6 months out 2day!

Mar 19, 2009

So I got an email from OH this morning saying congrats on getting to my 6 month mark. I could not believe it has already been that long!!! It seems like yesterday that I got approved lol. A part of me is really proud of how far of come. The wii fit says Ive lost 131 pounds so far, but I haven't accepted that yet. Until I get on an official scale I'm not going to. Even if I have lost 131 pounds so far, how come I still feel like its not good enough? Wait, I think I actually may know the answer to that... because I know I'm not putting my all into loosing the weight like I should. I have a few friends (who shall remain nameless but know who they are lmfao) who have had they surgery, and they go to the gym and work their tails off every single day. I am so proud of them, wish I were doing that too, BUT but I don't. I have yet to get that motivation coursing thru my veins. I'm just so damn tired sometimes I don't feel like doing anything. I have started doing the wii fit like I stated above, and am proud that I'm sticking to it. It is pretty much the only exercise that Ive ever stuck to. I also do get on the treadmill, but I get tired out so quickly I get ashamed and down on myself. I am my own worst critic I think, because my brain KNOWS that the more I do it, the longer I will be able to. But then there is the other part of me that feels so damn ashamed of not being able to for a long time, so I end up avoiding it. What a stupid, dumb cycle, but its the truth. I also don't put the focus as much on protein as I should. I have laxed on measuring my protein the way we should, and I am ashamed of this too. I do emphasize protein when I eat, dont get me wrong, I just don't count it or anything like that. I am sure I don't eat enough. One thing I AM proud of is that I am drinking my water and taking my vits like I should. For a while after my surgery I wasn't, and my labs suffered for it. I had low prealbumin and Vit A. I was frequently dehydrated. But finally after forcing myself to adhere, I have made it a part of my daily routine. Now, can someone tell me why I cant seem to do this with my diet and exercise? I know that I choose to have the surgery, and I owe it to myself to be 100 percent invested. Am I the only one who hasn't stuck to it? I doubt it. But, I WANT to. So from this day forward I am going to FORCE myself to be more in tune with my body. Measuring my protein and carbs, and exercising daily. I owe it to myself. Maybe my mood will improve to. Lately I have had frequent mood swings. I can go from happy and joking to pissy and upset like the flip of a switch. I feel bad for the people who have had to endure it! I feel extremely bad about myself lately. People keep telling me how great I look etc, but all I see when I look in the mirror is the access skin, the fat that is still there and my thinning hair. Ive become obsessed with the fact that I THINK you can see my scalp thru my thin hair in some spaces. People say no, but I believe they are just trying to make me feel better. My relationship with my fiance has changed too since the day of the surgery. He flipped out in the hospital, treated me like crap and just hasn't been supportive. He has his good days, but for the most part I don't get any kind of compliments from him anymore, just constant belittling and under-minding. He has told me he thinks when I finish loosing the weight that I'm going to fins someone better. I understand that he is feeling scared, but his acting this way is only pushing me away further you know? I have heard this also isn't uncommon with us post opers. I know it seems like all I am doing is complaining, and that is not my goal. I would do this all over again if I got a do-over. I was so damn proud the other day when I put on 2x clothing and it was hanging off me. 6 months ago I was a snug 5/6X. I have come a long way and I can see that. I definitely think I need to have some sort of counseling. Maybe therapy would help me to discover the root of my emotional eating pre-surgery, and help me to cope with my feelings of worthlessness. Maybe it will help me to see the improvements in myself too, so that I can fully appreciate all that my surgery has done for me. Speaking of the surgery, I still haven't seen my surgeon since my 6 week follow up. The gave me a phone consult for my 3 month follow up, when they told me my labs sucked. I have an appointment next month, but Idk if I'll be able to make it. I'm getting married in May, so I cut my insurance off because Brian's is better, and he'll be able to add me after the wedding. So, we will see. Hopefully I can go, I am curious how my labs are. When I had them taken last time I still hadn't been taking my bits or protein, so they should be good... Hopefully!! Those of you who have continued to read this thru all my whining thank you so much for listening! I hope all of you have a great day and a successful journey!!

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About Me
Deal Island, MD
Location
35.5
BMI
RNY
Surgery
09/19/2008
Surgery Date
Mar 12, 2008
Member Since

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