Dont feel like myself anymore

Apr 29, 2009

I feel as if im going out of my mind. I may even have allready lost it... Lately I have been so stressed out I hardly smile anymore. I used to find humor in everything, joke and laugh, and that has been far and few between as of late.  I feel like im on the edge and about to fall over into an endless abyss... I should be a happy camper. I should be looking forward to these next few months with excitment and joy... Im getting married in 24 days to a good man, im going on a honeymoon at a beautiful resort right on the water, then three weeks after we get back from the honeymoon I am going on a week long trip with my son to disneyworld, and meeting up with some friends who are very special to me. Shouldnt I be jumping for fucking joy? Well... im not. There is so much pressure on me, and family drama and financial struggles and emotional struggles and then there is everyday nuances and they are adding up and I really seriously want to disappear... to cease to exsist even. My soon 2 be mother in law is a huge issue. I love her to death, but its something new every 5 minutes. All my ideas for the wedding are stupi, my weddings going to be stupid if we dont do things her way, if my son and fiance get their haircut a certain way they will look horrible and she just wont show up, we were going to have a beach wedding. Sweet, simple, barefoot in the sand on the family beach. Thats what we even put on the damn invitations. But, so-and-so- couldnt come to the beach because of their knees/back/leg/old etc, what happens if it rains, its crab/oyster season the birds will be all over screeching/we cant have chairs in the sand/everyone has to stand for that long oh my god your stupid/ you have to have your dress altered because itll get ruined in the sand/You have to have this and this and this at the reception and do this and this on the day of the wedding, and make sure your here by this time and omg I cant let you marry my precious son... So I changed the damn wedding to the church and now its stupid if we dont have a song played during the ceramony and stare into each others eyes (sorry but I dont want to stand there for 3 damn minutes looking at Bri while everyone looks at me thinking hurry up allready) and so I was an airhead because I said no to that, then she said she was going to have Brians aunt come anyway and make us do it, and she would sing live (heared her sing and not planning on hearing it anytime soon not-2-b rude so I tryed to say no... but she is insisting) then for three days I get shit from her and Brians aunts because we arent planning on walking down the isle to the wedding march... its ' How stupid, people in Arizona sure are ass backwards, this wedding is going to be so stupid Im embarrassed to go...'  Its retarted we arent having a bride side and a groom side... um only two of my arizona people are able to make it, and they are IN the wedding, so esentially my side would have a handfull of friends compared to everyone Brian has in his family and all his friends... thatll make me feel real good! Its something new every damn day!!! Not only am I getting shit from her and her sisters (who I have to see every day because I work for the state taking care of the disabled sister) so I feel beat down constantly... which makes me feel under pressure and strained. So im harder on my fiance and my son... which makes things more tense at home. We are struggling right now with finances, weddings aint cheap, and with summer coming there will have to be summer camp... we have problems in the house, a mold issue in the office which we are trying to have repaired, and testing to make sure Owens not sick from that, Brians cousin Alison the druggie is jelouse that I was given the job to take care of the aunt so she calls my job to tell them im not there when I am and that I dont do what I should be doing, and they call me and tell me what she says and even though they say they know im doing fine it still stresses me out because I cant afford to loose this job. No other place would give me 56 hours a week at the amount that I make. I have to keep my cool with his cousin because she essentially is homeless and is staying with the aunts. Where I work 56 hours a damn week... I really just want to beat her ass. Violent I know, but she keeps pulling shit with them and treating her little girls like shit... I just want to put her in her place one damn time... not only that im still hurting over the fact that MY mother has essentially abandoned me, and it hurts that I wont have a parent there for me on my big day.  Then I thought that day would be about family and Brian is having all of his guy friends up that day of the wedding, and was saying how I would have to get Owen (my son) ready and all this, and I had always envisioned them getting dressed together, and Brian fixing the tie and talking about father/son stuff and how happy he was to be his dad... so im sad that has gone down the drain... There is so, so much more not even worth writing about I guess. The bottom line is I feel overwhelmed and... so very sad and.. alone. Im excited my bestfriend and my cousin (who is essentially like a sister to me) are coming, as they are both very important to me... but i am still sad that I wont have any other family here. Dont get me wrong, I understand why... It just hurts.  Anyways. Sorry for ranting. I just needed to I guess. Hope I can snap out of this soon.

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