Whats That

Jan 16, 2010

1-13-10

What’s That

It has been a while since I have posted, no excuses just haven't. I still go to the gym I joined last time I posted now 4 days a week and am doing the majority of my walking at the gym on a tread mill. One of the down sides of having the bypass is I am cold all the time, now compound that by living in New England and the temps outside in the 20’s all that equates to “I’m freezing my ass off”. Taking a dose of my own medicine that is just an excuse, however, I am walking 12 miles a week at the gym plus working with weights. I lie to myself telling myself I can and will catch up to all this lose skin. Realistically some maybe I can and some there just aint no way without surgery. I am 36 pounds lighter then I was at my last post in November, I have lost a total of 117 pounds in 4.5 months, if someone had told me that was possible on 8-24-09 I would have called them a liar. When I started my 2 week pre-op diet I was at 328 pounds and today I weigh 211, WOW, reading what I just wrote doesn’t seem real to me. I write this sitting in my office and around me are pictures of me and my wife, if pictures could talk they would be telling me we don’t take enough pictures and we need to take more or have more taken of us. That's me in the pictures but it’s not me anymore. It’s me 117 pounds ago and boy what changes have occurred. I have a neck. I always thought I was built strange because I never had a neck. I was laying in bed half awake a month ago and my hand was resting on my side, I had an itch and then got really scared, “what’s that” I thought to myself, it was a rib, I can feel my ribs now, I can also see my collar bone and my jaw line. Just today I felt a bone in my shoulder I never felt before, it’s all really strange, really cool too. None of my old clothes fit anymore, I have bought a few new one, didn’t have a choice but don’t own many, you know those clothes you have stored way out of the way because they do not fit, have not fit in a real long time, maybe didn’t fit when you bought them and you figured you would hang on to them cause if you could ever lose the weight they might fit clothes? Even those don’t fit. I’m 48 years old at this writing and weighed more than this at my high school graduation, im lighter then I have been in 30years. It’s easy right, think again!

The surgery is only one step, one of many and all the steps/tools are to be used to fight the good fight and that's the way I look at it, im in a fight, a war even with my own weight problems and eating disorders. Exercise is one tool we have, learning to eat new things in new ways, chewing well; not drinking while we eat and learning about nutrition are all tools we need to fight our battles. All along I have said this surgery is a very mental thing, I do not think our doctors or nutritionists stress that point enough, maybe because they do not think like we do, maybe because if they told us how hard it was going to be mentally many of us would turn tail and head for the hills and a large pizza or maybe because the surgery is so different for so many people that there is no easy explanation on what we will go through but people be advised, it’s not an easy journey.

In mid November through part of December I plateau’d, my weight loss stalled. It upset me so bad. I didn’t gain but I was not losing either. It would seem no two people have the same explanation of why these stalls happen only that they do. I keep a detailed food journal so I know what I am eating; I knew it had not increased. I go to the gym 4 days a week even through Thanksgiving and I work out pretty hard for a guy who has really not worked out in the last 25 years or so. I figured my body was catching up and maybe needed a jump start to get back on a weight losing pattern so what I did was started adding a protein drink a day into my diet. I get all my required protein from eating so I stopped drinking protein drinks quite some time ago. In my case it would seem the added protein/calories got things started again although I will add my nutritionist disagrees with that but offered no other explanation.

Some cool things, I can feel my own bones now, knee bone, ribs, a whole bunch I can’t ever remember feeling before, clothing is a good and bad thing, some of my old clothes had became old friends, I have had to say goodbye to them. An example is what im wearing now. It’s a Big Dog sweat suit that's a 3X, the shirt fits more like a dress would a woman and the pants droop off me. I have the tie pulled all the way in, I don’t think it will go any smaller, it’s an ugly green or brown or something but just a few short months ago this was everyday wear, I have 3 others like it, 2 blue and another in this ugly green. I only wear this in the house now as im sure I look like a clown in it but it’s an old friend, one that I just need to let go of but I struggle with that just like I still struggle letting go of other old friends, food.


The food addiction is one hell of a thing; I wish I had never become addicted to food. I’m not really sure when it happened but it must have been at a very young age and I’m positive my mother enabled the addiction. That is a threshold I have crossed, I can now say I am addicted to food. Food is not like cigarettes or Booze or drugs, we don’t need those things to survive but we do need food so we have to eat. I still want the things I know I can’t have; everything in life is set up to work against me on this, every commercial, all the food shows and when traveling what seems like miles and miles of places to stop to eat. It’s hard to keep one’s mind occupied thinking of something else other than all the food being thrown at you but not impossible. That's where this surgery plays in, it gives you a tool and more important it gives you time. The tool makes you not need as much to eat to feel full and helps us to lose the weights that's killing us quickly allowing our bodies a chance to recover and gives us time. This time we can use to follow the program guidelines we have been given and learn how to eat properly, time to start exercising to get and stay healthy, time to learn how to cook meals that are good for us and are not filled with carbs and useless calories and time for some of us to learn how to cook maybe for the first time. I do not think we will be able to eat the way we are being taught at fast food places or the local pub so I feel it important to learn how to prepare meals for ourselves so we are not dependant on others who don’t care what or how we eat, if we are large or small other than to give us one of those “looks” fat people get while they shove food in front of us telling us it’s our fault we are they way we WERE, and they might be right. No one made us stop at that restaurant, no one made us order all you can eat ribs, no one forced us not to learn how to cook a proper meal for ourselves, that's our job and our WLS is giving us the time to learn how to do it, a weapon to use against all the advertisements and even a penalty if we screw up (dumping).


 One thing that bothers me and ironically I have read about this in the support boardrooms recently and it has been brought up by people other than me in the group meetings I attend is the fear of going back, almost paranoia of waking up and being heavy again? It’s the craziest thing, that worry and fear is a trigger and makes me want to eat something which would lead to exactly what I am afraid of. What’s important is finding out that I am not the only one who thinks or feels that way and at this point in my journey these feelings are normal and knowing there are others to talk to about it. Support websites, group meetings or one’s own therapist or all of those plus family and friends who are supportive of us. The further out I get the more I am realizing how important long term support is. Failure is not an option for me, I will never go back to 334 pounds but I also understand it’s going to be a lifelong battle and I will need a loving word from time to time, a helping hand once in a while and a compassionate ear and at times maybe even a kick in the pants but forward I will move!
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Eighty One

Nov 05, 2009

11-05-09

One month since my last post. I am now 66 days post-op and have lost 81 pounds and falling, although at present not as fast as it was. That may be a good thing. It is amazing how much I am loosing yet scary at the same time, I don’t want to stall but I do want to stay healthy. My surgeon hasn’t really said anything about at what rate I should lose weight just that I would and rapidly, well rapidly it has been.

There have been many very cool aspects to this surgery I am hoping will inspire anyone reading this, a few weeks ago my wife and I went for a drive in the mountains, we stopped often and even hiked up a few trails for a ways to see some of the local natural attractions, something we would not have thought about doing before our surgeries, walking up and down the basement stairs to do laundry winded us to the point where we would have to sit and take a break to catch our breath and wait for our lower backs to stop hurting from the exertion. Today, I walked 3 miles and last weekend I walked 3.5 around our local lake. I find I miss walking if I don’t do it and feel guilty too, exercise is becoming part of my life and daily routine and as a result I am feeling better both physically and mentally. I took the leap of joining a gym today, I plan on starting out slowly of course and meeting with the gyms trainers to get a system started for someone at my level, it will come in handy as New England winters are harsh and not being able to exercise due to inclement weather could be a trigger for old habits to return. Another really cool thing that has happened is when I started this blog right after returning home from the hospital I was wearing a size 3-X everything and before starting the pre-op diet pushing, if not already in 4-X clothing. Some major shrinking is taking place here! I have had to buy new coat for winter, my old 3X coat was so big on me that cold air just blew up through the bottom of it when I walked, the new coat I bought is a size LARGE and fits really good, im only wondering how long it will be before its to big, the same is true for other clothing, shirts and jeans, my jeans are huge on me and I have purchased a belt hole punch to make more holes in my belts that without my pants would fall right off me,. I have even had to cut inches off the end of my belts to get them to fit into my pants properly, all that being done I will soon have to buy new pants because pulling the belts tight enough to hold my pants in place causes them to bunch and is becoming uncomfortable. Even my feet are losing weight, I looked down at them today, yes, when standing and looking down I can see my "feet", I noticed they are looking skinny. When I touch myself I can feel bone I haven't felt in many moons, my shoulders feel much thinner and I can feel my hip bones.

All of the above being written there is a strangeness to it, the clothes are not lying, the scale is not lying either, when I get on the scale I see what it reads, when I take the few new clothes I have bought out of the dryer I can see how small they look to me but when I look in the mirror I do not see this person that I am becoming, I see the old me, the very heavy me, don’t get me wrong, im still not little boy, im still a pretty big guy by anyone’s definition and that's what I see, not the guy who has lost 80 pounds and dropped three sizes. I have inquired about this here on the OH website forums and also the WLS group meetings I attend every month and people say pretty much the same thing, have the same perception of themselves that I do, some say it goes away in time and other still suffer from it, I say suffer because inside I think one of the reasons we go through this surgery is because we all want to see ourselves as thin for a change and so far I am not seeing it. Other people tell me how good I am looking and go “Oh, you have lost a lot of weight” and the signs are there, just not in the mirror yet when I look in it. Im not saying that is how it will be for those reading this but it may be so be prepared, it pisses me off at times and if I let it could be depressing, I fight that by telling myself that it’s all in my head and all the other signs that I have lost 80 pounds are there so keep moving forward.

Just to recap on some of the other things mentioned further back the head hunger I wrote about a few months back is still there but not as bad as it was and easier to control, not as overwhelming. It use to hit with a feeling of panic and now I can indentify it faster and dismiss it. That being said I get the munchies at night, im not really hungry but I guess it’s because for as long as I can remember I eat at night, settling down to watch TV in the evening I am finding to be a trigger for it and is another reason I joined a gym, its open 24 hours most days and in the evening I can go to the gym and work out the munchies literally. I still find it difficult to get all my proteins and fluids in, most nights its one or the other, if I have my proteins in I will be low on my fluids or vice versa, hunger is still not really an issue other then the head version mentioned earlier. I have found that that when going to long without eating in place of hunger pains I get a terrible forum of heartburn, acid reflux I guess it is, very unpleasant and eating makes it go away,. At times I forget to eat, I have been many things in my life but forgetful when it comes to eating has not been one of them, until now. I find the busier I am or the more I have to do the more likely I am to forget to eat, lending truth to a comparison I made earlier in my blog to a method I used to stop smoking 4.5 years ago, when a craving hits reoccupy my mind by doing something, anything other than lighting up. It works so far to a large degree with food cravings too, almost to being a negative thing in that if I forget to eat a regular meal it puts me behind on reaching my protein goals.

I have met two goals that I set for myself, one was reach 250 pounds by Thanksgiving, I have made that and one or two more almost a month before time, the other was longer term and not used as part of this site, just something I had in my own mind which is to be able to buy clothes off the rack at major department stores and I have been able to do that too. Losing 81 pounds is awesome yet I am only a little more than half way to my overall goal of 170. I cannot imagine how good it will feel to be at such a weight. I weighed more than that in high school some thirty 30 years ago or more but it’s going to be a very interesting trip getting there.
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60 and counting

Oct 05, 2009

10-05-09

It has been a month since my last post; I am down 60 pounds in 6 weeks, amazing. I have just started stage 4 of the post diet protocol which is introducing cooked vegetables, fruits and starches. It is still a chore to get in all the protein and fluid requirements as im still not hungry or very thirsty except first thing in the morning where I am very thirsty. My blood sugars now run around 100 to 110 and I have reduced the number of times I check my blood sugars. Not having to prick my fingers anymore was as much a goal as not having to take insulin or Metformin was. Head hunger described earlier in this blog has not been as much of an issue as it was and more easily controlled when it does start to bother me. I am finding myself falling into better habits of eating by following the protocols and starting to think in healthier terms. I am walking 2 to 3 miles a day or every other day, my legs get sore after real long walks and sometimes I will take the next day off. I have also started a mild workout using thera-bands to help tone my muscles and to help with my left shoulder that im pretty sure I have I have a torn rotator cuff in. I had a rotator cuff repair May of 07 and im not looking forward to having another surgery so maybe MY WLS is helping motivate me to exercise and that will help my shoulder. Rotator cuff surgery is very painful, way more than WLS so im not looking forward to another but honestly I think im only kidding myself and I am going to need it sooner or later, probably sooner but I would like to fully recover from WLS and get well on the road to better eating habits before I go through that ordeal again. I am finding that my knees do not bother as bad now that I am 60 pounds lighter and going up and down the basement stairs in our house is much easier and I do not get winded anymore doing the simplest things. Sixty pounds, imagine carrying a 50 pound bag of dog food plus a 10lb bag or 6, 10 pounds bags of flower around all the time. I’m glad to be rid of it and have just short of twice that to go to reach my goal. I know how good I feel and how much better I am moving now and I am so looking forward to see what 170 will feel like, maybe lighter.
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Losing Myself, a new beginning. 8-29-09 through 9-6-09

Sep 05, 2009

8-29-09 through 9-6-09

Things have been good since coming home from the hospital, pain was easily controlled using pain meds and the worst part has been trying to get in all the protein and liquids required in stage two of the protocol. I have found myself to be very tired since coming home, my doctor tells me this is normal yet there are peaks and valleys to this tiredness. I link them directly to the amount of protein intake. Shortly after a protein shake I have plenty of energy when that wears off, not so much so it is important to keep up with your protein shakes but trust me when I say this that's easier said than done. I’m not hungry nor have I been since surgery. THAT IS A GOOD THING, it seemed as if I have been hungry from the moment I was born and nothing satisfied it which has brought me to this point in my life and this site.

I am an insulin dependent diabetic but since shortly after starting the two week pre surgery prep diet I have come off of both Regular Insulin and Lantus and also Metformin. My blood sugars have stabilized at between 115 and 120. I know there is a risk that as I go back on regular food that my sugars might go up but with continued weight loss my hopes are my body will keep the two factors in balance and my sugars will stay within normal range and I can stay off insulin all together. I was also on Fosninoprill for hypertension. My BP came under control in the hospital and I have been checking my BP regularly since coming home and it has been within normal ranges too. I have not been back to see my PCP since coming home and it will be interesting to see what she has to say about that.  

I am simply amazed at how my body is responding to this change in diet and for the first time in a long time I am starting to notice changes in myself when I look in the mirror, what’s really strange is that I bother to look in to a mirror at all, it has always been my habit to avoid them like the plague for fear of seeing myself but now these are exciting times and I want to watch. The hair loss we are told about is not a concern for me so I cannot address it as I shave my head weekly and would be fine if what’s left fell out and stayed out but honestly I have not noticed any as of yet but I am also not sure that I would notice either. Clothing is starting to fit looser and it looks as if swelling has gone done in my face. The pain that I got in my lower back over my hips when walking or standing has almost disappeared and I have been walking a lot, since coming home I have worked myself up to two miles a day and hope to increase that constantly. Im not a jogger and doubt I ever will be but I can see myself on a bicycle again one day. For now it will be walking every day. My knees are starting to feel better yet after a long walk I still feel it in them most.


Everything is not a bed of roses however, if you are like me be prepared for an emotional roller coaster. If you can use a therapist I highly recommend it and also using support groups and sites such as this to reach out to others whom may be going through the same things as you or that has been through them already. I consider myself a strong person and even with counseling was not prepared for the battles I have been fighting within myself. This blog is even helping me cope a little. I have gone through moments of great anxiety and depression, crying fits and even temper tantrums like a two year old. My body is telling me im not hungry yet my brain is telling me I want to eat. This confuses the hell out of me and honestly at time really pisses me off. Why if I am not hungry do I want to eat and I miss my favorite foods as if they were old friends or family who has died or have been kidnapped and kept away from me against my will but it is my will that has brought me to this point in my life and the choices I have made so who is to blame for the loss I feel of both satisfaction from eating to the point of making myself ill or the control of being able to do what I want when  I want, only one person, me, so I get angry at myself and everyone and everything around me yet I am able to rationalize what is happening and why. I know this is the result of a life time of bad eating habits and part of my addiction to food which has also brought me to this point where I have had this surgery to use as a tool in my recovery to good health. Being able to rationalize it does not make it any easier to deal with and no one told me these confusing feelings were coming so be prepared if you are reading this considering this surgery, this is the hardest part to get through so far 12 days post op. The bright side is the anxiety and rage passes fairly quickly, but they return frequently at this point. I use to be a smoker too. I quit on 7-22-05 after being diagnosed with throat issues that required surgery to repair and my doctors telling me that not quitting could result in me losing the gift of speech in the not so distant future. Quitting smoking was very hard but I found that when cravings hit the hardest reoccupying my mind with something, anything else made those cravings go away and I am attempting to employ that same tool to these overwhelming desires to want to eat even when my body tells me im not hungry, after all that is one reason I had this surgery, eating when I didn’t need to. To date I can say with confidence that quitting smoking is easier then this diet I have forced on myself, we do not need to smoke to survive even though each of us who smokes know we are endangering ourselves by doing so but we do need to eat, we can quit smoking, we can’t quit eating at least not long term. Add all that and everyplace you go your favorite restaurants jump out at you and call your name to come have a reunion with an old friend, food, and seemingly every commercial is about food you can no longer eat and there are more shows about food or featuring cooking food then I ever realized. Nope this is no walk in the park. People in group support meetings and also in reading this site indicate those feelings mentioned above are somewhat temporary and subside with time. I sure hope so, being torn between doing the best thing that could ever happen to you and making the worst decision of your life is a hard place to live but the fact remains, I will live, perhaps even longer and feel better doing it.

TO BE CONTINUED
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Losing Myself

Sep 03, 2009


Losing Myself


This is my first blog entry on my Gastric Bypass surgery. 9-4-09
My surgery date was 8-25-09 performed at Brigham and Womens Hospital in Boston MA by Dr. David Lautz
The procedure is a Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass.

I had lots of anxiety leading up to the surgery and the dreaded the pre-op diet designed to shrink my liver prior to surgery. Surprisingly i had a better time of it then i thought i would, being diabetic the diet called for me to eat a 1200 calorie a day diet low in fat and sugar and high in protein. I was able to complete the two week diet with minimal cheating but i did sneak a hamburger or two in. Hamburgers have always been both a favorite and a weakness of mine. I love um all and just can’t say no.

Day 1 Pre-Op
I am a high strung person to say the least and get very antsy in high stress situations so the day of surgery a few Adivan helped get me to the hospital, my wife drove me in of course. Upon checking in the wait was not long to get to the pre-op area and after in hospital garb and in the bed it was not long before the surgical team dropped in and introduced themselves and an IV was started. For me getting an IV put in is as stressful as the surgery almost, i just hate it but i will say the IV team numbed the site first and the IV went far smoother than any i had ever got prior. One of the hardest parts for me now being done, that and the shot they gave me to relax and off to surgery i went.

The rest of the day of surgery is pretty much a blur, i remember waking up in my room with an NG tube up my nose and a catheter in me and a nurse handing me a button saying "if you’re in pain push this button" i pushed it right now. I remember my wife being in the room but between the surgical meds and the "Magic Button" they gave me that’s about it for memory of day 1 post-op.

Day 2 Post-op
The first night post-op was a different story only because I guess from the way i was laying in surgery my middle back area was killing me, no amount of pain medication was helping it either, at some time during the night a nurse brought in a nice reclining type chair and helped me out of bed, before getting into the chair the nurse raised the bed for me to lean against and rubbed the sore area of my back, nothing has ever felt so good and after sitting in the chair my back started to feel better so the chair is where i stayed pretty much all through my 4 day hospital stay. The surgery itself took about two hours and the hospital stay was suppose to be 2 to 3 days, i ended up staying an extra day due to some redness from one of my lap sites. A lap site is the place where an incision was made to insert the tools needed to perform the procedure; i have 7 such lap sites and understand there can be between six and 10 normally. My wife who had the same procedure as me two weeks prior to mine has 9 lap sites yet i was told by my surgeon that men are a little harder to do then women. The next cause of high anxiety for me was the test i knew was coming on day 2 post-op. This is a CT scan, painless enough in itself but this one is to test for leaks in my newly created stomach and the other nips and tucks done inside to complete the procedure.
The "Leak Test" involves a CT scan where they take you into the CT room, a sort of x-ray and inject contrast into the tube running up your nose and into your new belly, then they have you drink a small amount of contrast too, this stuff tastes terrible but only for a few minutes. During the test itself its kind of scary, there are several people surrounding you, all looking terribly concerned and worried, concerned you might fall down and worried you might puke all over the place from the nasty contrast they just made you drink. Seriously, they are watching to make sure your ok, puking at this point post-op is NOT a good thing and the rest are looking at the CT monitor looking for leaks as the contrast passes through your redesigned digestive system. What made it so high anxiety for me is knowing if there are serious leaks you go back into surgery and this time not the non invasive laparoscopic procedure i just had but the fully open one, i was scared to death and oh so relieved when they told me i had no leaks i almost missed them saying it and barely noticed when they pulled 2 feet of NG tube out of the left side of my nose, all i can say is thank God they put that, and the catheter in while i was under in surgery the previous day. The hardest part of the "Leak Test" procedure was waiting for hospital transportation people to pick me up from the CT waiting area to take me back to my chair in my room, seems as if it took an hour, im sure it didn’t but it seemed that way. I was done with this test.


Later in the day the catheter was also removed, once this is done i started to feel a little more human and was able to put on a pair of comfortable shorts and with only the IV left having me hooked up and being able to be removed without taking it out of my hand I was also able to put on a comfy loose fitting shirt. The whole time still having the “Magic Button” to help with pain which never during the process ever went above 5 on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being no pain and 10 being the worst pain imaginable. The button helps and is your friend, use the button because the next day they take it away and you just do not get drugs like that anyplace except the hospital so use it or lose it, besides, you need it and it truly helps. Now stage 2 of you post op diet starts, stage one was water only in a medicine cup, you are not allowed any liquids prior to the leak test then if you tolerate water ok you move on to stage two which for the program I am in is protein shakes such as Carnation Instant Breakfast. Starting stage two I was only able to take very small sips. I was full all the time with the even the smallest sip but I had to be able to tolerate the shakes before I would be allowed to go home. It was explained to me that my new stomach is very swollen from surgery and my intake would be very little amounts and even those were somewhat painful. The good thing is for what might be the first time in my life I am not hungry. At this point I want to write about what I think is the source of the largest point of discomfort of the entire surgical procedure, GAS. When doing the surgery being I had the Laparoscopic bypass you are injected with some type of gas to inflate your abdomen so the surgeon has more room to work around inside your body. Try as they may the surgical team cannot get all the gas used expelled from your body, this gas gets in paces and pushed against spots inside you that are very painful, the pain meds help relieve it some but nothing except time removes it as it is absorbed into your body and passed naturally but I'm here to tell you it hurts, expect it and after being home a few days it passes. While in the hospital your nurses will tell you that walking helps moves the gas around and it does, sometime this is a good thing and sometimes not, sometimes it moves the gas into a more painful spot then it was before but I feel walking is a big part of recovery. Walking not only moved around the gases inside your body and helps them be absorbed for passing it helps to prevent blood clots in your legs and the rest of your body while you’re in the hospital but it breaks up boredom, by now I was starting to feel better and wanted to go home but until you show you can handle stage 2 of the diet they will keep you there, also in my case one of my lap sites showed signs of infection so my surgeon put me on IV antibiotics, I also started running a low grade temp so he decided I was staying in the hospital until I had no fever for 24hours explaining to me if it’s nothing that's fine and if it’s something im already in the hospital. I was released from the hospital on Saturday 8-29-09 with nothing but starry strips covering the 7 lap sites from surgery and no hunger. Pain was minimal and easily controlled with the pain meds they sent me home with.


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About Me
Wakefield, MA
Location
23.5
BMI
RNY
Surgery
08/25/2009
Surgery Date
Nov 14, 2008
Member Since

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