joe01880
Losing Myself, a new beginning. 8-29-09 through 9-6-09
Sep 05, 2009
8-29-09 through 9-6-09Things have been good since coming home from the hospital, pain was easily controlled using pain meds and the worst part has been trying to get in all the protein and liquids required in stage two of the protocol. I have found myself to be very tired since coming home, my doctor tells me this is normal yet there are peaks and valleys to this tiredness. I link them directly to the amount of protein intake. Shortly after a protein shake I have plenty of energy when that wears off, not so much so it is important to keep up with your protein shakes but trust me when I say this that's easier said than done. I’m not hungry nor have I been since surgery. THAT IS A GOOD THING, it seemed as if I have been hungry from the moment I was born and nothing satisfied it which has brought me to this point in my life and this site.
I am an insulin dependent diabetic but since shortly after starting the two week pre surgery prep diet I have come off of both Regular Insulin and Lantus and also Metformin. My blood sugars have stabilized at between 115 and 120. I know there is a risk that as I go back on regular food that my sugars might go up but with continued weight loss my hopes are my body will keep the two factors in balance and my sugars will stay within normal range and I can stay off insulin all together. I was also on Fosninoprill for hypertension. My BP came under control in the hospital and I have been checking my BP regularly since coming home and it has been within normal ranges too. I have not been back to see my PCP since coming home and it will be interesting to see what she has to say about that.
I am simply amazed at how my body is responding to this change in diet and for the first time in a long time I am starting to notice changes in myself when I look in the mirror, what’s really strange is that I bother to look in to a mirror at all, it has always been my habit to avoid them like the plague for fear of seeing myself but now these are exciting times and I want to watch. The hair loss we are told about is not a concern for me so I cannot address it as I shave my head weekly and would be fine if what’s left fell out and stayed out but honestly I have not noticed any as of yet but I am also not sure that I would notice either. Clothing is starting to fit looser and it looks as if swelling has gone done in my face. The pain that I got in my lower back over my hips when walking or standing has almost disappeared and I have been walking a lot, since coming home I have worked myself up to two miles a day and hope to increase that constantly. Im not a jogger and doubt I ever will be but I can see myself on a bicycle again one day. For now it will be walking every day. My knees are starting to feel better yet after a long walk I still feel it in them most.
Everything is not a bed of roses however, if you are like me be prepared for an emotional roller coaster. If you can use a therapist I highly recommend it and also using support groups and sites such as this to reach out to others whom may be going through the same things as you or that has been through them already. I consider myself a strong person and even with counseling was not prepared for the battles I have been fighting within myself. This blog is even helping me cope a little. I have gone through moments of great anxiety and depression, crying fits and even temper tantrums like a two year old. My body is telling me im not hungry yet my brain is telling me I want to eat. This confuses the hell out of me and honestly at time really pisses me off. Why if I am not hungry do I want to eat and I miss my favorite foods as if they were old friends or family who has died or have been kidnapped and kept away from me against my will but it is my will that has brought me to this point in my life and the choices I have made so who is to blame for the loss I feel of both satisfaction from eating to the point of making myself ill or the control of being able to do what I want when I want, only one person, me, so I get angry at myself and everyone and everything around me yet I am able to rationalize what is happening and why. I know this is the result of a life time of bad eating habits and part of my addiction to food which has also brought me to this point where I have had this surgery to use as a tool in my recovery to good health. Being able to rationalize it does not make it any easier to deal with and no one told me these confusing feelings were coming so be prepared if you are reading this considering this surgery, this is the hardest part to get through so far 12 days post op. The bright side is the anxiety and rage passes fairly quickly, but they return frequently at this point. I use to be a smoker too. I quit on 7-22-05 after being diagnosed with throat issues that required surgery to repair and my doctors telling me that not quitting could result in me losing the gift of speech in the not so distant future. Quitting smoking was very hard but I found that when cravings hit the hardest reoccupying my mind with something, anything else made those cravings go away and I am attempting to employ that same tool to these overwhelming desires to want to eat even when my body tells me im not hungry, after all that is one reason I had this surgery, eating when I didn’t need to. To date I can say with confidence that quitting smoking is easier then this diet I have forced on myself, we do not need to smoke to survive even though each of us who smokes know we are endangering ourselves by doing so but we do need to eat, we can quit smoking, we can’t quit eating at least not long term. Add all that and everyplace you go your favorite restaurants jump out at you and call your name to come have a reunion with an old friend, food, and seemingly every commercial is about food you can no longer eat and there are more shows about food or featuring cooking food then I ever realized. Nope this is no walk in the park. People in group support meetings and also in reading this site indicate those feelings mentioned above are somewhat temporary and subside with time. I sure hope so, being torn between doing the best thing that could ever happen to you and making the worst decision of your life is a hard place to live but the fact remains, I will live, perhaps even longer and feel better doing it.
TO BE CONTINUED
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About Me
Wakefield, MA
Location
23.5
BMI
Surgery
08/25/2009
Surgery Date
Nov 14, 2008
Member Since
