joe01880
Whats That
Jan 16, 2010
1-13-10What’s That
It has been a while since I have posted, no excuses just haven't. I still go to the gym I joined last time I posted now 4 days a week and am doing the majority of my walking at the gym on a tread mill. One of the down sides of having the bypass is I am cold all the time, now compound that by living in New England and the temps outside in the 20’s all that equates to “I’m freezing my ass off”. Taking a dose of my own medicine that is just an excuse, however, I am walking 12 miles a week at the gym plus working with weights. I lie to myself telling myself I can and will catch up to all this lose skin. Realistically some maybe I can and some there just aint no way without surgery. I am 36 pounds lighter then I was at my last post in November, I have lost a total of 117 pounds in 4.5 months, if someone had told me that was possible on 8-24-09 I would have called them a liar. When I started my 2 week pre-op diet I was at 328 pounds and today I weigh 211, WOW, reading what I just wrote doesn’t seem real to me. I write this sitting in my office and around me are pictures of me and my wife, if pictures could talk they would be telling me we don’t take enough pictures and we need to take more or have more taken of us. That's me in the pictures but it’s not me anymore. It’s me 117 pounds ago and boy what changes have occurred. I have a neck. I always thought I was built strange because I never had a neck. I was laying in bed half awake a month ago and my hand was resting on my side, I had an itch and then got really scared, “what’s that” I thought to myself, it was a rib, I can feel my ribs now, I can also see my collar bone and my jaw line. Just today I felt a bone in my shoulder I never felt before, it’s all really strange, really cool too. None of my old clothes fit anymore, I have bought a few new one, didn’t have a choice but don’t own many, you know those clothes you have stored way out of the way because they do not fit, have not fit in a real long time, maybe didn’t fit when you bought them and you figured you would hang on to them cause if you could ever lose the weight they might fit clothes? Even those don’t fit. I’m 48 years old at this writing and weighed more than this at my high school graduation, im lighter then I have been in 30years. It’s easy right, think again!
The surgery is only one step, one of many and all the steps/tools are to be used to fight the good fight and that's the way I look at it, im in a fight, a war even with my own weight problems and eating disorders. Exercise is one tool we have, learning to eat new things in new ways, chewing well; not drinking while we eat and learning about nutrition are all tools we need to fight our battles. All along I have said this surgery is a very mental thing, I do not think our doctors or nutritionists stress that point enough, maybe because they do not think like we do, maybe because if they told us how hard it was going to be mentally many of us would turn tail and head for the hills and a large pizza or maybe because the surgery is so different for so many people that there is no easy explanation on what we will go through but people be advised, it’s not an easy journey.
In mid November through part of December I plateau’d, my weight loss stalled. It upset me so bad. I didn’t gain but I was not losing either. It would seem no two people have the same explanation of why these stalls happen only that they do. I keep a detailed food journal so I know what I am eating; I knew it had not increased. I go to the gym 4 days a week even through Thanksgiving and I work out pretty hard for a guy who has really not worked out in the last 25 years or so. I figured my body was catching up and maybe needed a jump start to get back on a weight losing pattern so what I did was started adding a protein drink a day into my diet. I get all my required protein from eating so I stopped drinking protein drinks quite some time ago. In my case it would seem the added protein/calories got things started again although I will add my nutritionist disagrees with that but offered no other explanation.
Some cool things, I can feel my own bones now, knee bone, ribs, a whole bunch I can’t ever remember feeling before, clothing is a good and bad thing, some of my old clothes had became old friends, I have had to say goodbye to them. An example is what im wearing now. It’s a Big Dog sweat suit that's a 3X, the shirt fits more like a dress would a woman and the pants droop off me. I have the tie pulled all the way in, I don’t think it will go any smaller, it’s an ugly green or brown or something but just a few short months ago this was everyday wear, I have 3 others like it, 2 blue and another in this ugly green. I only wear this in the house now as im sure I look like a clown in it but it’s an old friend, one that I just need to let go of but I struggle with that just like I still struggle letting go of other old friends, food.
The food addiction is one hell of a thing; I wish I had never become addicted to food. I’m not really sure when it happened but it must have been at a very young age and I’m positive my mother enabled the addiction. That is a threshold I have crossed, I can now say I am addicted to food. Food is not like cigarettes or Booze or drugs, we don’t need those things to survive but we do need food so we have to eat. I still want the things I know I can’t have; everything in life is set up to work against me on this, every commercial, all the food shows and when traveling what seems like miles and miles of places to stop to eat. It’s hard to keep one’s mind occupied thinking of something else other than all the food being thrown at you but not impossible. That's where this surgery plays in, it gives you a tool and more important it gives you time. The tool makes you not need as much to eat to feel full and helps us to lose the weights that's killing us quickly allowing our bodies a chance to recover and gives us time. This time we can use to follow the program guidelines we have been given and learn how to eat properly, time to start exercising to get and stay healthy, time to learn how to cook meals that are good for us and are not filled with carbs and useless calories and time for some of us to learn how to cook maybe for the first time. I do not think we will be able to eat the way we are being taught at fast food places or the local pub so I feel it important to learn how to prepare meals for ourselves so we are not dependant on others who don’t care what or how we eat, if we are large or small other than to give us one of those “looks” fat people get while they shove food in front of us telling us it’s our fault we are they way we WERE, and they might be right. No one made us stop at that restaurant, no one made us order all you can eat ribs, no one forced us not to learn how to cook a proper meal for ourselves, that's our job and our WLS is giving us the time to learn how to do it, a weapon to use against all the advertisements and even a penalty if we screw up (dumping).
One thing that bothers me and ironically I have read about this in the support boardrooms recently and it has been brought up by people other than me in the group meetings I attend is the fear of going back, almost paranoia of waking up and being heavy again? It’s the craziest thing, that worry and fear is a trigger and makes me want to eat something which would lead to exactly what I am afraid of. What’s important is finding out that I am not the only one who thinks or feels that way and at this point in my journey these feelings are normal and knowing there are others to talk to about it. Support websites, group meetings or one’s own therapist or all of those plus family and friends who are supportive of us. The further out I get the more I am realizing how important long term support is. Failure is not an option for me, I will never go back to 334 pounds but I also understand it’s going to be a lifelong battle and I will need a loving word from time to time, a helping hand once in a while and a compassionate ear and at times maybe even a kick in the pants but forward I will move!
1 Comment
About Me
Wakefield, MA
Location
23.5
BMI
Surgery
08/25/2009
Surgery Date
Nov 14, 2008
Member Since
