Cleaning up my old life

Feb 13, 2011

So today, as I cleaned up old clothes and organized my bedroom, I thought about how many years I ate myself into a constant circle of failure.  Mild depression was what the psychologist called it during my evaluation.  I know it has stopped me from succeeding in so many areas of my life.  I think it's impossible to think about the exact time, event or confrontation that lead me to doubt myself.  Being heavy was like covering myself up with a heavy thick blanket.  I was safe with food.  I was happy to binge.  I looked forward to it. But it didn't match my personality and my need to be adventurous.  It robbed me for the last 10 years of those adventures.  I use to be up for anything but the added weight was always there - a road block to an active life.

Dance may have had something to do with it.  The pressure to be thin and my rebellious personality didn't match.  I remember being 14 and my dance teacher told me that I was a wonderful dancer but I needed to lose some weight.  I really admired him.  From 4 years old, he had taught me this wonderful art form and to hear these words from him was devastating.  But I had a choice, I could have lost weight and been ultra thin but I chose a different path.  And every year in high school, I gained weight.  14 at 140 - 17 at 170 and then 20 at 200.  By the time I was 30, I was 300 pounds and in such denial.  And at 33 when I was desperate to have a child, my 320 body said "no". 

I was able to get down to 280 and get pregnant.  After my daughter was born, I was 275 (yes, I lost weight after pregnancy) and at a perfect place to lose weight but all of my energy went to her and my husband.  For the last 8 years, I have gone up and down from 275 to 319 when I had my first consultation with Dr. Halmi. I never want to see 319 again.  I valiantly packed 4 bags of clothes today for the Salvation Army and I vow never to buy a size 26/28 again.

Life is beautiful and cleaning up the past gives rise to the future. 

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About Me
VA
Location
34.6
BMI
RNY
Surgery
03/16/2011
Surgery Date
Surgeon
Oct 13, 2010
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