a year to come clean

Jun 01, 2010

well i had my 1 yr surgiversary in may, just a few weeks ago. it wasnt exciting. i went for a walk.
I am not where i wanted to be but definately not where i was so the glass is "half" neither empty nor full. I know why, I havent exercised and I have made some poor food choices, especially lately. I wear a size small yoga pant but dont let that fool you, i have a size 8 shorts, size 10 shorts and size 11 pant (though i swear that one is mismarked cuz its my only 11), my jean waist is a 29-30 (depending on my bloat).
when i was a preop i would think, how can people lose all that weight and risk their life just to go back to it..well you cant know till you know. old habits (addictions) die hard and i just didnt have a good enough plan in place to deal with those days and things. i havent been to a support meeting in forever and i havent planned and taken my nutrition as seriously as i need to. to good news, i think its never too late. time for a new plan...time to reach out for more help. time to DEAL with my stresses in life. Open to ideas and helpful comments (nothing negative, i have enough of that in my own head).

Planning nutrition, i can do this...i use to be pretty good at this.
Problems with it:i am a sucker for a craving and i usually give in in a decent way (modified version of before), the volume i eat is more then it probably should be, how to feel full/I drink water with my meals (i know i shouldnt but after doing it for over a year, i have tried and feel like i am just gonna die of thirst without fluid for an hour before or after (ugh, times 3 meals and 2 snacks, when do you drink?????)
Exercise, time and hate...open to ideas here. KEEP IN MIND, I really cant "push it" I can only do mild to brisk walks, ride bikes with little or no hills (my migrines will not allow for more), no gym membership (and not intrested at all), i have some exercise dvds, i also have a 5yr old who is very active and demanding and always BORED!
Stress, how to deal? I will be finding a way to attend a monthly support meeting, but how do you "deal" with stress, i dont get it, i hear people say it but have no idea what that means its like me telling you to "obdirate", you have no idea what i am talking about (OK, cuz i made up that word).
I have dumping but i think that is fadding from over exposure lately, i am hoping it comes back, but if not, i feel i can get over my sugar fix, i am too addicted and cannot have even a little of that stuff...its like my crack, my own personal crack.
so like the beatles said "Help, if you need somebody...PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME"
much love

slow slowslow

Jan 19, 2010

WEll, My weightloss has slowed, to be expected says my logic brain, my emotions are like WTF..HELP. I have been working these past 2 weeks (51 hrs work plus 4 hrs school at night, then homework and massage practice)...I am spent and needed time off, GOD saw to it, he made my babysitter awful so i had to fire them, and now i cannot work as much. Funny but probably good. The work was good for me though, very physical running, bending, stretching, lifting..all in a pharmacy.
I am at 165 which should be so exciting but the reality isnt that or it still hasnt hit. i am a size 11 pants and a medium top (depending Old Navy sizes are off, i am a medium in both there). skin skin skin...uck. thankful my face is still tight.
going to see doctor for first follow up in a while. sucks not having insurance the visit is 125 - 175 and the lab is...879. but i gotta do it, i need those labs and my rx for iron.
nervous about graduating school and going back to work or starting to work in massage. it is my life and my love though. when i am finished giving a massage, i am so happy and at peace...strange but true. i never was a giving healing helping person much not for just any body but with massage, i am. i connect to them in a way that only lets me see the good, feel the good and help them get better, to calm the mind and body and restore physical and emotional wellness. and from that we both walk away breathing and smiling in a better place. its just still trippy to me. so is it when i see my leg or a photo of me..wow. even funnier is a fat photo..i am like "that isnt me, i was nver THAT FAT...,was i?"
Still have food issues, try and stick to the doctor advice, protein shakes 3x day and all my suppliments then i try and have a bit of nuts or cheese or that. i do have sugar free chocolates...but i dont feel guilty and i only eat 1 or 2 tiny pieces. i do still measure my food because i know i can eat more, more then i should and more then i want to. me and food got a long road ahead of us! Trying to make peace, and find a healthy happy place.
I do love this sandwhich place called Jimmyjohns, they make a lettuce wrap...mmmh and guilt free! but still, i can eat too much of it, if i dont cut it and portion it out...food is funny because an alcholoic never has to drink again, a drug addict never has to use his heroine again, we, we still have to eat and be surrounded by eating people, smells, commercialls etc! But i am doing it!
supportive family and friends!
well...i gotta go go go!

month 7

Dec 21, 2009

i am just waiting for a massage client to arrive and had a second to update. seems  like time has been super fast flying. also know, i am someone else entirely. i hope all you pre-be's understand this, you have no way to know what will change, but know everything might. some its the marriage, others its friends, others get other addictions, i quit my job and changed everything i want out of life. when you cant eat, you have to deal...this has been really hard for me, if i could drink, i would but since i have migraines that is probably good so no addiction transfer. i made myself too busy, school, etc. i cut my own neck as i have no health insurance and yes, i havent had labs in a while. i will get back on it when money allows. i know its serious. the best i can do is to take really good care and take all my protein and suppliments which i have been. when hubby gets health insurance through his work, i will be seen. i dont think by srikanth though, i screwed that all up royally! I didnt know i would get to this place where i did put myself and wants and needs first (job), where i couldnt make myself go to the place of hell everyday, where i had to do something that forfilled me, that spoke or sung from my heart. at no matter the cost.
i am down really good on my weight, wondering where i am going to get the extra 30lbs to make goal, its barely there, on my belly only (thighs, boobs hang like heck  but not much weight).
cant wait to be done with school and figure out how to make a living again. cant wait for holidays to pass, too much emphasis on food and money...gagging me a lil.
who am i now....well a hippie, have i always been? may be a long time ago. a giver, this is new for me. a healer (not truly but more someone who wants to help facilitate healing, its up to god, not me). a thinker, not new. a mistake maker, yes turns out i am actually human, i would have never suspected this one, i was so perfect before (well minus the food issues and surplus 100lbs). I am a friend who is lucky to have a few amazing friends! I am blessed to have God give and take care of me, via some very special people who do and his putting "luck" there.
I am brave, in ways i couldnt ever imagine. i am not horny, i think my mind is too busy and my body too tired, but its getting better. a role model...nah, skip that one! a good mother to my son, may have messed up with daughter but amazing with my son (not a news flash).
sexy...where did that come from??? where did it go when it wasnt here?
a smart ass...always!
hit me up!


Nov 19, 2009

I have a loft goal of end weight 135, i am only 5'4' and think that is a good weight, I am at month 6 post op and down from start weight of 282 (so 107lbs gone). Is this a realistic goal? I hope it is. i just am worried now. its still coming off at a decent pace.
Hey, how do i get my 100lb gone mark thing??? Anyone know?
Life is crazy but as i promised i posted new pictures.
love you all!!!

1 comment

my friends only

Nov 04, 2009

well, i had to get a part time job...i knew it was coming so my massage hours available are strictly limited! I will reply to those who can be available during the weekdays (sometime between 9-3) there will be zero saturdays and i think sundays are going to go fast!
i love you all!
I hope to be on here more...just so much going on in life too busy


Oct 23, 2009

So sorry i really intend to keep you all involved in my evolving story but time is so short when you are in school, have to keep house, do homework, run hubbys business errands, cook ,sleep, etc not to mention trying to paint your massage room and bathroom, etc...but dont feel sorry for me, i love it.
if you guys want a student massage, call me, i need bodies!!! I am just about to paint my room this weekend and slowly buying stuff for it. i dont graduate till february! I can perform and charge for reflexology but not doing that just yet, still want more hours of practice...still doing full body swedish, shiatsu practice now...WOW.
I am at 185 still...but not worried. I would like to find time to exercise but its not gonna happend till i am finished with school.
 well if you are interested in donating your body to science (for me to practice on), let me know!!!
TTFN...i miss you guys so much...cant wait to see you all...i promise pictures in the next 2 weeks!!!!

Sept 23 2009

Sep 23, 2009

WOW, ok so i am down to 190, I am wearing a size 14. I am in massage school. I am super broke, LIFE IS GOOD! ALL the changes are so wonderful i cannot put the feeling into words. WLS changed me life and has helped me change more and more.
I would like to say more, but dont have time...like i said life is busy! hopefully after graduation, will be more available. all my TTNT girls, I MISS U! All my OH Online buddies I miss you! Everyone else, i will hope to be a good example or support person!
1 comment


Jul 20, 2009

WEll, yeah i always have been!
I put in my 2 weeks notice at work when my boss wouldnt work with my schedule to allow me to go to school. Its funny how it worked out and my hubby was my biggest cheerleader! My boss is now having a cow and begging me to work what ever hours i can till she can replace me since there is no way she can do that with the 2 weeks notice i gave (professionally its enough, she would have liked more because our system and her dumb arse takes about 4-6 weeks). BUT NO, i am starting clean and outta here. I feel so free, i should feel scared but i dont! My pastor gave a sermon that even was talking about making the necessary changes in your life so you can follow gods plan, no matter how hard! So i did =)
I had a yard sale and got rid of so much stuff, everything else went to the goodwill (except for my fat cloths). I kept my Calvin Klein, Hydralic etc cloths because i havent decided if i am going to sell them on craigslist (or some consignment shop) or just donate them to my support group this next monday. I kept my scrubs too since i may do the same thing with those (or try to find a big girl here at work to give them to).
I found my massage office space and it needs work but has soo much potential its a very old house (i would approximate about 1900) with lots of charecter. I will have to put in some elbo grease but my friend is giving me a really good deal and is actually going to share the space with me (his office will be in the back). So i will be having an open house my first week and will probably be giving free 10 min seated massages and discount books out...something fun and exciting. I will probably also have WLS friendly snacks around during that time (since its what i can eat). I will post a note about it when that time comes. I will also try and figure out a way to post progress pictures in the mean time! I have been mulling over names for my practice and have a nice list going!
I have been having strange nightmares but i think they are a sign of all the change in my life (there is not theme to them, just fear and/or anger).
I am going to miss 2 ladies at work, but i hope to keep in contact with them!
I also want to lean how to start my own blog (not like this one) and every few days put things in with pictures i think are cool. like the other day i went for a walk on the Ruston Way Waterfront at 630AM, it was amazing and beautiful and something i would like to share with the world especially those who dont wake and leave the house till 9AM cause its a totally different world as the sun is just waking up. my sewing purses projects etce etc.
I feel so full of ideas and excitment and its all GOOOOOOD! I dont know how but its all because of the WLS, i guess since i cant just eat to be happy, now i have to "DO" to be happy. I also uncorked my creativity finally after being bottled up for over 17yrs (i havent been expressive in creative ways since HS). And now its pouring out too! Its so amazing the direction my life is taking me, i know i will suceed, more importantly i know i will be happy!
I gave thought to growing my hair back out (as in my avi picture, those who know me, know i have a short Bob). but i decided that is seomthing i dont want to change, i like it! its spunky like i feel right now!
I hope everyone will check out my "goals" on this page, i have so many and they excite me even more, maybe they will you. So far i have achieved "thighs not rubbing together" that was sometime in the past few weeks but not sure which date exactly...thank god no more summer burn in the inner thighs! (wont miss that, no sir) AND fit comfortably in a chair again that was about 3 weeks or so ago but now i actually  have tons of room in a chair and i can cross my legs and not have to fight to keep them like that, they just flop over eachother and stay there with no work from me. At church i dont consume the chair and flood over into the person next to me, infact i have enough room to actually put my purse next to me, or lay both arms straight down and still have room!!! Its just crazy!

well....i gotta run (life is calling)...
1 comment

my job...

Jul 16, 2009

as i sit here (yup at work) i am struggling with a migraine, but my coworker (who is oncall today so is the main person responsible) is at a doctors appointment and no one knows when she will be in. So i had 2 choices i could call in, which is what i really wanted to do, or i could drag myself in here to handle the pt visit i know we have this morning, well you know what i choose. I asked if we could get stuffy ready early so i could leave since the pt appointment isnt until 9AM and i need to take drugs before then, but NO! So i am sitting here in pain AND SO FLIPPIN MAD! I hate this place, i hate everyone in it.
This place is standing in the way of my going back to school, as in EVER. becasue of my schedule, and being oncall for 2 weeks per month, i cant and never will be able to go to school for what i want (its not the kinda thing you can do online).

So as i sit and stew on all this, i am getting the overwheling urge to QUIT! Give proper notice and leave! This job will never let me go follow my dreams, it will never be convient for them or a good time for me to quit so why not now...i am already signed up for school on August 3rd but was going to contact them and try to delay my attendance date but as i sit here in pain and mad i ask myself WHY...Why wait? I know all the logical reasons for not quiting a job in this economy, for not quitting when i am so broke, but i am often broke and the ecomony, i cant control that and lord only knows when/if it will get better. in the mean time my surgery has made me have to look at things and deal with them or freak out (yes, i have really freaked out several times when i let something go that i should have faced head on).

I am realizing i need to do more to feed my soul (not stomach), i need to allow myself time and pleasure and the things i want, i can no longer live in a place where self denial is daily. I have to look at my goals, my hobbies/interests and pursue them all. I cant stuff my creativity down, it must come out. So i think i am going to quit my job.

Maybe after i take my migraine meds i will calm down and feel differently but i have honestly been thinking about this since BEFORE surgery and its only intensified since then....

Have you been here before or are you going through this now? Yours thoughts and words are a blessing to me!
Much love

Totally TMI, but its my new friend!

Jul 10, 2009

I had heard all about constipation, i knew it would be a part of my life (most likely), but when i was actually able to go every day or 2 i felt ok, it was very solid but not too....large so it passed just fine. WELL yesterday i had to go and there was actually blood in the toilet (after what felt like hours of pushing), i knew it was from "ripping" because it was very red. Imagine my surprise when i had to go again today. Ok well...it LITERALLY felt like i was giving birth out my butt, pushing, resting, repositioning. my co-worker (yes, i was at work folks) actulaly knocked on the door looking for me, i didnt reply and she didnt knock again. I grunted and finally passed most of the stuff. but some was still there, so work some more and get more creative. all said and done i was bleeding more then i would have expected to be safe. i call the doctor and so now my new friend
MIRALAX, i am leaving to get some on my break and it shall be my new best friend, i am sure.
As for this weekend, there are no bike rides in my future!!! Plenty of walking, not much sitting....ough.
Oh and did i mention that i also have a urinary tract infection that started last night. luckily i have this herbal mixture that ususally cures it for me!!
My poor bottom, eh

About Me
Tacoma, WA
Surgery Date
Apr 24, 2008
Member Since

Friends 39

Latest Blog 32