Why I Post So Much About Food

Apr 16, 2009

Well, it's because I LOVE the stuff. But there's more to the story, and even those of you who were here at the time mightn't be aware of it.

I am neither big boned, nor do I have a thyroid condition. I was morbidly obese because I ate lots and lots of food. I used food as a sedative-- I have a very big but kinda twitchy brain, and I adored the sensation of eating a bag of this or that until I was sated and sedated. I was a very big volume eater. I never said no to anything I wanted in my entire life. I never dieted. I ate nothing but crap.

People warned me that food commercials would drive me nuts after surgery, but you can't avoid them-- so I took a different approach-- and decided to leave the Food Network on 24-7! I figured I would become desensitized if I watched it all the time.

Instead-- something else happened-- I developed an interest in food. Not in *eating*-- which is what I used to do-- I bought the same ten foods over and over and ate incessantly. I liked the rules of food, the creativity, the look of it. I passed the meat case and Wegman's one day and cried because it was so beautiful.

At the same time, I would visit these boards and hear about how I would be eating a bar, a shake and a thimble full of salad for the rest of my life-- and I believed it. I stuck with a very low calorie level-- about 700 calories-- for many months-- and remember I was supersized, so I was running on a horrible deficit. I was badly dehydrated and haggard. I was exhausted all the time, and felt sick, like I was dying. I underate for the first year-- I thought the weight loss gods would look favorably upon me because of my devotion-- and they did, but the cost was very high.

I seriously thought about killing myself. I really didn't even have the energy to make a proper plan-- all I knew is that I wanted OUT of this bullshit. Never eating again? Nothing tasty? Bars and shakes? Effin' Puh-LEEZE! The boards read like a contest :we had, and still occasionally have what reads like "I bet I ate the least today" kinda crap.

But one day, something in me clicked, and I realized it didn't have to be that way for me. No matter what anyone here tells you-- this gig is NOT about deprivation, it's about living a healthful and meaningful life. I allowed myself a sample of cheese and preserves on a piece of melba toast-- oh the horror--- and it sang in my mouth! And I realized, maybe you *can* have a piece-- a slice, a handful, even a day-- of anything! Maybe the answer isn't deprivation, but moderation, like they say! Instead of the pendulum swing from plenty to deprivation, what if we all learned how to have "enough"?

Now I practice moderation--- in a goofy assed way-- instead  of little treats here and there all the time (which is a little too loose for my Germanic brain) I plan the crap out of my days-- and I keep it pretty tight-- and once a month or so, I go out without my calculator and just do whatever strikes my fancy. At first, that meant some HIDEOUS binges, including one where I hate a half salad, 2 slices of pizza, a mug of sipping chocolate and half of two small cakes in Vermont, which was followed by a carb coma I could literally not be awakened from (read: dumb!) After doing that a couple times, the urgency's worn off-- I realize there will be other free days not far from now, I don't have to cram it all in at once. That's good to know.

The rebellious part of me gets a big kick out of beating the system. Having 6-7 meals a day, including some sweets, tasty casseroles, pizzas, sammiches-- and making it work: It's my way of thumbing my nose at this dumb-assed predicament and enjoying my life. I share what I do in case it might help some other post op who's in the throes of the Food Police and thinks that that's just the way life's gonna be-- it's not-- and it doesn't have to be.

What kind of role model does this make me? I eat pizza! Candy! I walk instead of run!

Well...the only kind I know how to be-- the kind I wish *I* had. I know not everyone feels comfortable with my lifestyle-- but in the event someone's thinking of making their own way, I just want them to know that with a little creativity and science on your side, it can be done. Try things and watch the data. If you can create a life you enjoy and support the body you need to do it-- you're golden. That might be at 150 pounds, or it might be at 250. It's NOT a contest to see who can be the most "compliant"-- it's a challenge to see who can find the balance that best suits themselves. I am bound and deterimined that I can, and I would love to have every one of you here get there too, on your own terms and in your own time.

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About Me
Near Media, Pa- South of Philly, NJ
Location
24.8
BMI
RNY
Surgery
07/16/2007
Surgery Date
Nov 16, 2003
Member Since

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