Things have become dark...

Aug 26, 2008

I am trying to see the light...but its pretty damn foggy where im standing. Its now August 2008, and i weigh more than i did a year ago...Id say im pretty close to 500 pounds now. How disapointing. How did it get this far? I am in desperate need of a medical intervention. My heart has been broken several times at the possiblity that this or that might work out so i could get surgery and it always falls thru. I have tried Counseling, The Secret, Affirmations, Monarch Medical Weight loss (only went once), i just seem to be in such a deep hole that nothing is helping. And now i seem to be isolating myself. My only social activity is with my family which isnt always the most positive situation...and my job is pretty lonely and depressing right now too. help help help
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August 20th 2007

Aug 20, 2007

Well, back to work from the weekend. Went pretty well overall, went to the fair a couple more times, this time wearing tennis shoes. I still got tuckered out really quick though. I bought a new journal, im hoping to do some writing in that and start getting my head together. I cant wait till my insurance starts. I really hope im not putting all my eggs in one basket in this case. I am doing my best to stay hopeful. i have been seeing a new guy...but, i seem to be pretty low on his priority list. its really not even worth it to get my hopes up with him. Ever wonder why we settle for crap? when we know we deserve better? anyone else dealing with this?  Jenni

August 15th 2007

Aug 15, 2007

Well, went to the fair yesterday...and my legs are in so much pain from all the walking. I am so disapointed with myself. Last year it wasnt nearly as big of deal, but im 100 pounds heavier than i was last year and i need to keep that in mind. I ended up bailing on my friends because i was having such a hard time following them around. I just feel horrible about myself. Plus, now i am going with my family. Supposed to go tonight but im going to try to get them to go thursday night instead, give my legs and feet a rest. I am just so sad today. I cant wait till i get my insurance papers the beginning of september. I will be running to a Drs office saying, lets get this show on the road! Jenni

Life stresses

Jul 31, 2007

Well, it was a stressful day yesterday...my family and I are trying to buy a large piece of land and there is all sorts of stress involved with that. Ive never bought property before so there is all sorts of paperwork and people to talk to. Plus work was really busy..and im broke till thursday. I'll be honest....luckily i am broke, otherwise i would be buying food and dealing with the stress that way. I really need to find a good way to get rid of that stress. I ate my jenny craig meal last nite....so instead of over eating i just crawled into bed early and watched tv and tried not to think about it. My shoulders got really sore (thats where i hold my tension) and i almost got a tension headache. My point is...without food....just trying to "deal with it" didnt really work either because that was tough on my body as well. Im still waiting on my insurance benefits package..then as soon as i get it i will be making a Drs appt and getting a physical. Then discussing WLS with my Dr. and hopefully i will be on the path to healthier happier life. I have only told my immediate family...i will be going on a road trip with my favorite Aunt on Friday..and i think i will take that opportunity to talk to her about my decision to have surgery. I really value her opinion and i look forward to hearing what she has to say. So, im trying to keep my head up...hopefully today will go smooth.  Jenni


July 30, 2007

Jul 30, 2007

Well, July is just about over.I am ok with that. My new health insurance starts August 1st. I am looking forward to going to the Dr and getting my health back on track. I had a fun weekend with my neice. We went to Florence on Saturday and enjoyed the day together. We even got those "old time" photos done. Ill post one later today. As far as my weight and being on Jenny Craig...I dont think ive lost a thing. I am pretty much back to old habits. My dad is starting to notice i think. I dont want to disapoint him. I am going to keep working on it... Jenni

July 24, 2007

Jul 24, 2007

Good Morning to Everyone! 
Its Tuesday, about 8am...im headed to work pretty soon, just thought i should blog. i wanted to last nite but i was just exhausted after i had gotten home, cleaned up a bit, took a shower...by the time i sat down on my bed i was ready to pass out. I had a bad day yesterday...problems with the plumbing in the house, which is both frusterating to me and my roomates. then when my dad (the landlord) came to look at it my roomates didnt hear him knocking and they didnt answer their phones when i tried calling them to say he's at the door...so, it waits another day. then my bosses wife was in a horrible mood and took it out on everybody...which is not only frusterating but extremely rude. and it took all i had not to throw it back at her and/or confront her about it. I am getting more and more excited about getting health insurance...my paperwork should be arriving in the mail soon. I cant wait to go see a Dr and get a physical and find out exactly what kind of health im in. I was watching a documentary on TLC about the worlds heaviest man...and it was very upsetting. Seeing him bed ridden with all of those sores....i think, ill never get like that. But the other part of me thinks, well, ive let myself get to 463 pounds. Im only 40 pounds away from being 500 pounds!  No wonder its hard for me to continue to work full time. I was actually thinking about taking fridays off permantly...But, now i worry i would just stay in bed all day and continue to grow. I really feel like i need to get my head together...write out some goals....write out the reasons i want WLS, the things i want to change about my life, the things that i miss from my thinner days...there are so many i think the list would be huge! But better huge than blank. I did good last nite though, for dinner just had my Jenny Craig frozen meal and then some pretzels, water to drink. (didnt stop and get a pop, or dairy queen, or fast food) 
Well, i suppose i should head to work....Jenni

July 18, 2007

Jul 18, 2007

Well, its Wednesday...Gotta head to work soon. I have good news...found some health insurance, thru  United Health Benefits. Anybody ever have them ?? I am hoping they take care of me. and they say, that they will cover 70% of the cost of either gastric bypass or lap band. So, it will begin August 1st, so then i will be heading to the nearest Dr and asking all sorts of questions. Next step....do i want to get the surgery in eugene or coos bay? I dont want to get ahead of myself. Just starting to see some light at the end of the tunnell. I weighed 463 the last time i weighed. That means i have gained 100 pounds since i started my new job a year ago. How did that happen??
I went on a date on friday...and it was so uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable in his car...didnt even try the seat belt. Then he wanted to go to the art movie theatre, but, i knew i wouldnt be able to sit in the seats. We went to a park, took a long walk and he wanted to sit in the grass....i couldnt do that because i wouldnt be able to get back up. It was just horrible. So, i am trying to have faith that this will work out for me. I feel like this is my destiny. My destiny is to get gastric bypass....lose over 200 pounds, be active, healthy, athletic. Chase my kids around, kick the ball around with them...and at this weight....i go to work everyday, come home and want to go to bed right away. I am just exhausted all the time. this is no way to live. 
                                                           Jenni


Self Esteem, Confidence, Self-Confidence

Jul 07, 2007

Those are things im feeling that i am seriously lacking at the moment. I have tried things that have worked in the past....and they just arent having the same effect. I am not taking care of myself. I keep reading "love yourself" " your worth it" "dont you care about yourself" and i think....well, im pretty sure i do. But if i did i wouldnt feel so shitty about my body and i would care more about what im eating. My dad is paying for me to go on Jenny Craig again. Very nice of him to do, and i know its because hes concerned about me. But i just wish the money we were spending on jenny craig could go towards a loan payment for the weight loss surgery. I am so tired of being this fat...but i feel like ive given up. When people watch me, snicker at me, think whatever thoughts they are having...on one hand it bothers me alot. But on the other it cant bother me that much because its not making me change. Its like im sucking all of that negative energy in and just swallowing it in a sense. I have always had a problem with emotional eating and it seems like its worse than ever. I keep trying to write it out, take notes on things to do to help it...but, i feel like im so weak. I take one step forward and then stumble a bit. I have good support from family and friends all around im just missing that #1 support. ME I am obviously not supporting myself and i keep beating up on myself. Thinking im just not good enough, give up, youll never find someone and marry them or have children because no one wants you. your getting too old and your definately too fat to have a baby. I will just grow old and be that crazy fat aunt. 
I am trying my absoulte best to stay positive. My birthday is on Tuesday. I know that will be a blast of a week, lots of time with friends and family. And after that im back on track 100 percent! Jenni


Weight Loss Surgery

Jun 04, 2007

It is on my mind everyday. This is my answer, this is the way i will finally get this weight off. But i keep hitting roadblocks. Maybe i should give up for now? My dad wants me to put it off for a year....to which my reaction was shock. I said in a year! i could have lost 100 pounds by then! I just feel like why waste time. He suggested going back on jenny craig. I dont want to go on anymore diets! No more diets!  I want restriction. Less portions. and i dont want to have a choice. The lap band will assist me with that. I found a much cheaper way....which got my hopes up. But 10 grand is still alot of money to come up with. and a loan is out of the question due to my bad credit. So, next step is to research disability income/insurance. Next step after that is writing to talk shows looking for a sponsor. I dont want to give up...but at this point, im driving myself crazy being upset all the time being that its just not an option financially right now. It is sad and im going to try not to let it bother me. I am going to think positively and have faith that if this is the right choice for me.....the right direction...then with Gods help it will happen for me. Thanks for listening, Jenni


Not giving up

May 26, 2007

Well, i sent in my application. Went in and applied for financing and was rejected. I was upset. Really upset for a few days...but , im not going to give up. I feel better now. Hopeful. I know this is my future. I know this is my destiny. I'll be hanging in there, Jenni

About Me
eugene, OR
Location
Feb 14, 2007
Member Since

Friends 65

Latest Blog 19
August 20th 2007
August 15th 2007
Life stresses
July 30, 2007
July 24, 2007
July 18, 2007
Self Esteem, Confidence, Self-Confidence
Weight Loss Surgery
Not giving up

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