Justaphotogirl
Things have become dark...
Aug 26, 2008
August 20th 2007
Aug 20, 2007
August 15th 2007
Aug 15, 2007
Life stresses
Jul 31, 2007
Well, it was a stressful day yesterday...my family and I are trying to buy a large piece of land and there is all sorts of stress involved with that. Ive never bought property before so there is all sorts of paperwork and people to talk to. Plus work was really busy..and im broke till thursday. I'll be honest....luckily i am broke, otherwise i would be buying food and dealing with the stress that way. I really need to find a good way to get rid of that stress. I ate my jenny craig meal last nite....so instead of over eating i just crawled into bed early and watched tv and tried not to think about it. My shoulders got really sore (thats where i hold my tension) and i almost got a tension headache. My point is...without food....just trying to "deal with it" didnt really work either because that was tough on my body as well. Im still waiting on my insurance benefits package..then as soon as i get it i will be making a Drs appt and getting a physical. Then discussing WLS with my Dr. and hopefully i will be on the path to healthier happier life. I have only told my immediate family...i will be going on a road trip with my favorite Aunt on Friday..and i think i will take that opportunity to talk to her about my decision to have surgery. I really value her opinion and i look forward to hearing what she has to say. So, im trying to keep my head up...hopefully today will go smooth. Jenni
July 30, 2007
Jul 30, 2007
July 24, 2007
Jul 24, 2007
Its Tuesday, about 8am...im headed to work pretty soon, just thought i should blog. i wanted to last nite but i was just exhausted after i had gotten home, cleaned up a bit, took a shower...by the time i sat down on my bed i was ready to pass out. I had a bad day yesterday...problems with the plumbing in the house, which is both frusterating to me and my roomates. then when my dad (the landlord) came to look at it my roomates didnt hear him knocking and they didnt answer their phones when i tried calling them to say he's at the door...so, it waits another day. then my bosses wife was in a horrible mood and took it out on everybody...which is not only frusterating but extremely rude. and it took all i had not to throw it back at her and/or confront her about it. I am getting more and more excited about getting health insurance...my paperwork should be arriving in the mail soon. I cant wait to go see a Dr and get a physical and find out exactly what kind of health im in. I was watching a documentary on TLC about the worlds heaviest man...and it was very upsetting. Seeing him bed ridden with all of those sores....i think, ill never get like that. But the other part of me thinks, well, ive let myself get to 463 pounds. Im only 40 pounds away from being 500 pounds! No wonder its hard for me to continue to work full time. I was actually thinking about taking fridays off permantly...But, now i worry i would just stay in bed all day and continue to grow. I really feel like i need to get my head together...write out some goals....write out the reasons i want WLS, the things i want to change about my life, the things that i miss from my thinner days...there are so many i think the list would be huge! But better huge than blank. I did good last nite though, for dinner just had my Jenny Craig frozen meal and then some pretzels, water to drink. (didnt stop and get a pop, or dairy queen, or fast food)
Well, i suppose i should head to work....Jenni
July 18, 2007
Jul 18, 2007
Well, its Wednesday...Gotta head to work soon. I have good news...found some health insurance, thru United Health Benefits. Anybody ever have them ?? I am hoping they take care of me. and they say, that they will cover 70% of the cost of either gastric bypass or lap band. So, it will begin August 1st, so then i will be heading to the nearest Dr and asking all sorts of questions. Next step....do i want to get the surgery in eugene or coos bay? I dont want to get ahead of myself. Just starting to see some light at the end of the tunnell. I weighed 463 the last time i weighed. That means i have gained 100 pounds since i started my new job a year ago. How did that happen??
I went on a date on friday...and it was so uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable in his car...didnt even try the seat belt. Then he wanted to go to the art movie theatre, but, i knew i wouldnt be able to sit in the seats. We went to a park, took a long walk and he wanted to sit in the grass....i couldnt do that because i wouldnt be able to get back up. It was just horrible. So, i am trying to have faith that this will work out for me. I feel like this is my destiny. My destiny is to get gastric bypass....lose over 200 pounds, be active, healthy, athletic. Chase my kids around, kick the ball around with them...and at this weight....i go to work everyday, come home and want to go to bed right away. I am just exhausted all the time. this is no way to live.
Jenni
Self Esteem, Confidence, Self-Confidence
Jul 07, 2007
Those are things im feeling that i am seriously lacking at the moment. I have tried things that have worked in the past....and they just arent having the same effect. I am not taking care of myself. I keep reading "love yourself" " your worth it" "dont you care about yourself" and i think....well, im pretty sure i do. But if i did i wouldnt feel so shitty about my body and i would care more about what im eating. My dad is paying for me to go on Jenny Craig again. Very nice of him to do, and i know its because hes concerned about me. But i just wish the money we were spending on jenny craig could go towards a loan payment for the weight loss surgery. I am so tired of being this fat...but i feel like ive given up. When people watch me, snicker at me, think whatever thoughts they are having...on one hand it bothers me alot. But on the other it cant bother me that much because its not making me change. Its like im sucking all of that negative energy in and just swallowing it in a sense. I have always had a problem with emotional eating and it seems like its worse than ever. I keep trying to write it out, take notes on things to do to help it...but, i feel like im so weak. I take one step forward and then stumble a bit. I have good support from family and friends all around im just missing that #1 support. ME I am obviously not supporting myself and i keep beating up on myself. Thinking im just not good enough, give up, youll never find someone and marry them or have children because no one wants you. your getting too old and your definately too fat to have a baby. I will just grow old and be that crazy fat aunt.
I am trying my absoulte best to stay positive. My birthday is on Tuesday. I know that will be a blast of a week, lots of time with friends and family. And after that im back on track 100 percent! Jenni
Weight Loss Surgery
Jun 04, 2007
It is on my mind everyday. This is my answer, this is the way i will finally get this weight off. But i keep hitting roadblocks. Maybe i should give up for now? My dad wants me to put it off for a year....to which my reaction was shock. I said in a year! i could have lost 100 pounds by then! I just feel like why waste time. He suggested going back on jenny craig. I dont want to go on anymore diets! No more diets! I want restriction. Less portions. and i dont want to have a choice. The lap band will assist me with that. I found a much cheaper way....which got my hopes up. But 10 grand is still alot of money to come up with. and a loan is out of the question due to my bad credit. So, next step is to research disability income/insurance. Next step after that is writing to talk shows looking for a sponsor. I dont want to give up...but at this point, im driving myself crazy being upset all the time being that its just not an option financially right now. It is sad and im going to try not to let it bother me. I am going to think positively and have faith that if this is the right choice for me.....the right direction...then with Gods help it will happen for me. Thanks for listening, Jenni
Not giving up
May 26, 2007