Inquiring Minds... (Posted from Myspace)

Jan 01, 2009

I wrote this today for myspace and thought I would post here too... I plan on writing more here and not filter as much either...I tend to filter things there for fear of hurting someone's feelings.  On here...I feel like you guys get it and just understand more what I am saying!  

So...Looks like I haven't blogged here in quite some time...  My friends and co-workers keep asking me all these questions and some of my friends keep telling me to blog...so here it goes...  ;)

Let's see, where to start, well, I am down about 105 pounds.  (As of this morning it was 104.6)  I still have another 120.4 to go...  But I have already accomplished so much and just excited and grateful to be on this path!!!

Food...
People ask me often what do I eat all day?!?  Well I don't eat much that is for sure!  For breakfast I usually eat 1-2 ounces of yogurt and am stuffed...That's right girls about 1/3 of yogurt or less. A lot of times I will eat half a grapefruit with Splenda.  I don't eat much of the pulp, it is mostly the juice I am craving.  For lunch (at work) I will eat either another bit of my yogurt, or crackers and cheese, or if I feel like going out to get a bite I will eat either Chicken noodle soup from panera (about 1/3 of the bowl) or a baked potato from Wendy's with a little sour cream and butter.  (I eat about 4 spoonfuls of this and am stuffed to quite uncomfortable!!)  By 6 months I should be getting 60-80 grams of protein in a day and right now it's not even close...  Dinner is easier to get some of the ptotein in, I have chicken or roast almost every night.  About an ounce worth and then a couple bites of carrots, mashed potatoes, or green beans. 

I mourn food...just this morning I was looking at a Pizza Hut ad and they have new toasted subs...I was almost crying wishing I could eat it!  I do that with Potbelly's too! I COULD eat some of it...but 1, it doesn't taste good to me anymore and 2 I would get SOOOO sick if I did!!  I can't really explain how I feel about this besides maybe saying that I am grieving the loss of unhealthy JUNK that I want to eat and poison my body with!  This surgery has changed my tastes and those junk food things don't even taste good anymore...but I miss them...maybe the grease and just guilty pleasure of eating whatever I want...  I can't even go to El Lorro anymore!  I can't eat a fucking fajita?!?  The tortilla shell makes me sick!  I know this is good, El Lorro is one of the reasons I needed this surgery...I guess I just thought I could still eat this stuff and it would taste good...I could just only eat 3 bites!  SO not the case!!! 

I have to make sure to get AT LEAST 64 ounces of water in, which before would have been accomplished before I left work!  Now...I can't gulp water, my stomach is so little that if I was to fill my mouth with water I would have to swallow about 3 times to get all of that in my stomach.  It takes all day and I don't get enough in.  Thank goodness for the magic bullet!!  I chop ice in there at least once a day and that helps me get the water in!!!  I take 2 childrens chewable multivitamins a day, 3 calcium citrate vitamins that I have to suck on and they take FOREVER to dissolve and a B12 pill that goes under my tongue.  I haven't been very good about taking them, but about a week ago or so, I realized that is why I must be so tired and have really dedicated myself to take them.

Exercise...
I make sure to be more active at least 30 minutes a day, wether that is walking around Target on my lunch break at work, walking the apartment when I get home, or battling the elliptical at night...  I also have 5 and 8 pound dumbbells and am pretty dedicated to my every other day arm workouts.  (Now I am thinking of adding an ab workout to that routine.)

Relationships...
I found a great website for WLS (weight loss surgery) patients.  It's pretty much just like myspace only for WLS.  It seems sometimes that there are just somethings that as hard as they try, they just can't understand some of the things I go thorugh since surgery, or living life morbidly obese before.  This website is a great place where I can go and blog and share my crazy thoughts about food or what have you.  Before surgery I read lots of blogs from there, and people on there were talking about how their relationships suffered and just flat broke up.  Friends, family, spouses, lots of them suffered.  At first when I started reading this, I thought, are you SERIOUS??  No way would I ever get this big head and quit talking to my friends anymore!  No way are my friends shallow enough to quit hanging out with me cause I will get skinny and gorgeous and be competition or something for them when we go out?!?  I STILL beleive this!  BUT...I am seeing signs of crap like this...not from my friends, not from my sisters.  They are ALL thrilled for me!  But from other people, co workers, distant family, acquaintances.  Screw em!  I don't care! 

I asked a gal that fits into this latter category what size clothes she wore because I have a ton of clothes taht I thought would fit her...  Mind you, she DOES NOT have any decent clothes, and I DO!  I worked at Lane Bryant as a manger for a year and a half!  Even in my largest size, I tried to always dress cute!  She did tell me what size she wore...but she was very weird about it and seemed put off that I would be giving HER clothes that are too SMALL for me...like now SHE is the FAT one?!?  So I changed my mind and haven't given the bitch anything!  She can just keep dressing like shit!  I know I blogged about this before, I said I am always the fat one, the fat sister, the fat cousin, the fat friend, the fat coworker.  Now that I am losing weight, other people will be taking this title as I so happily and proudly give it away!  They aren't as nice to me.  Some have said they are jealous of my accomplishments, some just flat out quit talking to me, and some of them try to FAKE that they are happy for me but with all their back handed compliments I see through them.  Which is fine, I don't have time to hang out with all my REAL friends, I don't need to waste any time on those people!

I do see why some people that have gone through surgery do lose relationships, either by their choice or the other persons... I think that everyone in life settles with something!  For me, I definitely settled for a life I didn't want, I am changing that now.  Every day I am more and more proud of myself and realize I am stronger than I thought!  My thoughts and views are changing.  I realize how unhealthy I was before and how disgusting I let myself get.  I can't imagine going back to that life and I don't want too.  Everyone has those poisonous people th
at bring you down, and as time goes by I have just realized it is better to let them go. 

Drinking and Going out...
I don't drink anymore...  Could I?  Yes...  Have I?  Yes...  But this was a really stupid decision...  My surgeon told me because of the surgery and the way my new stomach was, the alcohol would not sit in my stomach and digest and be soaked up by any food in there, it goes directly into my blood stream.  1 shot to me, would be like 5 before my surgery.  But I used t literally drink 30 shots when we would go out!!  Before surgery I would joke and say so that's like what...  a 6 shot limit then after surgery??  But I think it is true!  I have spped on vodka and rum on a few occasions and nothing happens, a couple times I got light headed for a moment but that was it!  This last time, I did drink about a shots worth...(the most I have had since surgery!) and nothing!  I know that the alcohol will slow my weight loss down and I don't want that!  So as of this point I am done, no more drinking for me!  The times that I have sipped on a shot since surgery was becuase I was bored and not having fun.  I felt like I needed the booze to have fun with my friends...  So for now, if I do feel that way, I need to do something else... not drink!  Maybe the environment I was in and used to have such a blast at...maybe it wasn't as fun as I remembered??  The booze had really clouded my judgement and priorities for quite some time!  I don't need that anymore, I was and am an alcoholic.  I can't have one drink, so since I have been pretty much sober since my surgery...why start now??

I have gone out several times since my surgery...a few times I have danced totally sober and I am fine!  I do have to be in the mood though.  (Good music, good bar, fun friends, and me in a goofy/party) mood.    Some of my friends have asked me if they embarass me now since I am sober and they are drunk.  Absolutely not!!!  I love my friends!  They loved me before surgery was even a thought in my mind, and they were all supportive and encouraged me to make this life changing decision, they came to the hospital with me, they visited there, they made house calls after, they listen to my rantings and emotional roller coasters and are totally supportive of me!!!  (I think Ang was more worried day of surgery than I was myself!!)  Thank you to all of my friends and family who have stood by me through thick and thin!

Since I have now written a novel...I should just end it even though I could write for hours more!  Thank you for taking the time to read! 

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About Me
Coon Rapids, MN
Location
30.0
BMI
RNY
Surgery
09/15/2008
Surgery Date
Sep 02, 2008
Member Since

Friends 131

Latest Blog 25
2.6 MORE TO GO!!!

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