It's only gotten worse.

Nov 10, 2010

Today I am at 219.  This is SO much more than WLS!  I am addicted to food.  I do know this and over the past week I have decided to do something about it.  I am eating right and I will once again see ONEderland!!  It's not going to be as easy as it was the first time, but I CAN and I will get there.

The beginning . . . again.

Feb 17, 2010

I'm back here again.  I need support.  I have never attained my goal weight and I will be out 2 years this May.  Today I am re-committing myself as I did in May 2008.  Today I am 213 lbs.  Okay there I said it!!!  I was once in onederland.  No more.  I will be there again.  My goal is 165 lbs this time.  I have 48 lbs to go and would like to hit it by my 2nd surgiversary.  Impossible, maybe, but still I will try.  Whoever said that this was the "easy way out" has lost their mind.
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After last night's support group . . .

May 27, 2009

 . . . I really thought about how I "feel" about food and here's what I came up with.

I feel cheated.  I feel entitled.  I think that I am basically a "good" person and I deserve to be able to eat, what I want and when I want and as much as I want. 
.... (stop! Light bulb.)  Where does this come from?  My life experiences:  food=success, fun, happiness.  Whenever I did well in school or did something exceptional, what was there? a big old cake or an apple dumpling or an oreo.  Whenever we got a treat, what was it?  Ice cream, pie.  Whenever there was a birthday or a party with family, what was there? a banquet full of the most delicious food in the world.  Food has been at every "success" in my life.  So I feel that, I have been a good person, I am entitled to "enjoy" myself and the only way that I know how to enjoy myself is to celebrate with food.  WOW!  What a thought.  The thing that has been taught to me all my life and the "benefit" of doing well in life is my downfall.  I have often said that I can control everything else in life, except food.  I feel that I have no control over food, but do I.  If last night's support topic is correct, food is the action from the feeling.  If I can only realize the feeling and be aware of the feeling, before I stuff in that next cookie or carb-laden treat, I can get to my goal.  What to do about it at this time is hard for me to know.  But I know that I have been made aware of the pattern and I will be conscious of the action and therefore, the thought and see what I can do to try to re-train my brain.  I also know that I need to stop being a "mind reader" and think that I know what everyone is thinking about me.  Like when I go to the pool and can't get up off my chair for fear that someone is looking at me saying "OMG, look at her, does she know how she looks?  If she did, she wouldn't be here with that on." 
This journey is so not over.

One Year Out

May 18, 2009

Well this is my one year post.  I wish I could say that I am at goal, but I'm not.  So read on . . . or not if you are not interested, because I am doing this for me.

"What happened?" were the words that came to his mouth when I finally went to see Dr. K for my 1 year appointment.  I knew in my mind that he wouldn't be happy with me and I deserve everything that I got yesterday.  It's time for me to come clean.  I missed my 6 month appointment because I had no time to take off from work so he hadn't seen me in 9 months.  At my 3 month appointment he surprisingly told me that he thought I was doing great.  At my 6 month mark.  I was at about 96 lbs lost.  Yesterday when I got on the scale it read 191.  I had only lost about 40 lbs from my 3 month appointment.  That's nine months ago.  So I started this journey a year ago at about 303 lbs.  So I have lost a total of about 112 lbs in the past year.  To anyone else, this would be wonderful.  For a gastric bypass patient, not so much!  Especially for a patient of Dr. K's.  He expects alot from his patients.  And that's what I want, that's what I need. 

How has this year changed me?  I no longer am diabetic, I do not take any medications, I do not sleep with a CPAP, I can and do get out of the house every minute that I can, I do have energy, I feel like playing with the grandkids, i was able to fit in a roller coaster, people have noticed and commented about how great I am doing, I can fit in the booth at the restaurant, i am no longer worried that if I sit in a folding chair that it may collapse, I can buy clothes from the "non plus-size" part of the store, I completed a full-marathon and pushed myself to physical limits that I never thought possible.

What hasn't changed?  The way that I think/or don't think about food.  I still love food.  I love it's taste and I eat things that I know I should be eating.  I eat more than I know I should to sustain or loose the final 40 lbs that I need to loose.  I still see myself at that "morbidly obese" girl that is sometimes afraid to get out and do something because of "what people might say" about her.  I still head for the plus size clothes first, thinking that this is where I belong and that people may be thinking, what is she doing over on this size, she knows she can't fit that.  My food cravings.  I still love sweets and I still love "crunchy" carb loaded snacks.  I sometimes can't determine whether it's real hunger or head-hunger.  I still eat without consciousness.  I still eat when I'm not hungry.  I still eat after I'm full.  I am still afraid of being a failure.

So, Dr. K has given me an appointment in 3 months for a weight check.  What am I going to do.  I am going to do everything in my power for the next 3 months to be a "success."  I will take one day at a time and one minute at a time if I need to.  I will not eat food that is not good for me.  I will journal to help me see what I'm doing and correct issues that I have had.  I refuse to be a WLS failure.  I refuse to blame my surgery or the surgeon for failing me.  I know that Dr. K is tough, but he wants his patients to be success stories.  You haven't heard the last from me.  I refuse to fail and I will fight every minute to overcome a lifetime of unhealthy food relationships.

A long road

Jan 21, 2009

Well, I've made a committment to walk in the AVON Breast Cancer walk.  This is a 2 day event that is held in Washington, DC on May 2-3.  What does that mean?
Personally it means to me, that I can give to those in need.  I am proud to be a cancer survivor and I know what it means to be told that you have cancer and how it devistates your life so much that you can't breathe.  Now that I am healthier, I can make a commitment to help others with their health issues (do you know how good it feels to say that?)
Health wise it means a lot of training between now and May.  I started about 2 weeks ago and I'm up to 4 miles a night (that's a long way from 26).  I feel good working out and I hope it facilitates my weight loss again.
Financially it means that I really have to raise the $1800 required for me to participate in the event.  It would be devistating if I trained for the next 12 weeks and then didn't have the funds raised to participate.  I certainly don't have the means to do it all myself.  It's a great cause and I appreciate all that will help me in it.  I'm trying to find creative ways to solicit money as I know these are difficult times.
This is a long road, but it is getting shorter to meet my goal!!!  Finally! 

The end is near

Dec 28, 2008

That is, of 2008.  What a year it has been.  I can't believe that just over 7 months ago I had the surgery.  I am down 108 lbs.  I wish I could say that I feel a dramatic difference, but I don't.  I know it's in my mind.  What hasn't changed:  the way that I see myself in the mirror (I still see me~not a fabulously thin girl), the way my husband reacts to me (he is not "all over me" because of my weight loss), the way that strangers see me (I'm still invisible), my life (in general things are the same ~ nothing dramatic has happened to make my life the fabulous life that I thought would come with weight loss).  What has changed: my clothing size (from a 30/32 to a 16), my diabetes (gone), my health (no more sleep apnia, high blood pressure), what I look like (I think I look older than before, because of the sagging skin ~ I always told myself that I was cute ~ just fat ~ now I don't think I'm cute anymore ~ I just feel old), I can fit into the booth at the restaurant, I can cross my legs, I did get a pair of baby phat jeans (they are now getting too big, but I had to have them), I have started to run on the treadmill.  Things that I am hoping for in 2009.  More weight loss ~ people are saying, "you don't need to loose any more weight."  Really folks that is not helpful.  I am a size 16, not a size 6.  I want to be at goal.  I want to, for the first time in my life not be categorized in the overweight category.  I am wishing for my husband to find a keep a job that he enjoys so that we can be financially stabil.  I am hoping for success at my job ~ with all the changes at work, I want the company to continue to grow and I would like to grow with it.  I hope for health for my family ~ nothing is more important.  I wish that I will be able to see my father this year ~ I haven't seen him in 2 years and I really miss him.  Just to look at him or hold his hand.  What I didn't know about WLS ~ I didn't know that it would be this hard.  At first, it is just about being able to eat.  Just keeping something in, worrying if you are getting enough, but eventually you will be able to eat and eat things that you know you shouldn't be eating.  I will work this year on making healthy choices.  After all, isn't realizing my goal more important than food?
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Where has the time gone?

Nov 20, 2008

200 lbs as of this morning.  Yesterday was my 6 month surgi-versary and I have to say that this time has really gone by quickly.  Things have gotten a lot better as far as health wise and eating wise.  Other than having a bout of pneumonia last week, I'd feel great if I didn't feel so tired from that.  I've had to miss my 6 month appt with Dr. K because I don't have any more time left to take this year, but you can bet that I will be getting another appointment for the first of next year.  I've got to keep things straight.  Don't want any vit deficiencies or dehydration issues.  Things that have been great in the last 6 months:  I've lost 103 lbs since starting this journey (not too bad, even if I do say so myself), I feel good, loving crossing my legs and fitting into seats that I couldn't before.  No more insulin shots, blood pressure in normal range and beginning to feel and see bone structure in my body.  Things that I really wasn't expecting:  the large loss of hair.  I really have lost a lot of hair.  My hair is now very thin and eventhough it doesn't seem to be coming out as fast anymore, it still isn't growing back quickly either - Make sure you take your vitamins, and I mean all of them, no skipping, no I'm feeling good and I don't need them, no excuses.  I didn't expect to have this much drooping skin.  Everything is drooping - I look like an 80 yr old woman without my clothes.  Thank god I have a husband, because if I was out there trying to find a man, I would have many issues with showing him my naked body.  I didn't think that I would want plastic surgery, but I really want it now - badly.  We'll see how that goes in the months to come.  The funds really aren't there.  This all said - I would do it over in a heartbeat!!!  I love my WLS and I love my surgeon.  Thanks to Dr. K for saving my life!


Oct 05, 2008

219.5 - I wish I could say that it has been easy to loose this weight, but it hasn't.  The past few weeks, nothing and then in the last week, I've started again.  I think it has something to do with stress.  I have been stressed at work (changes and new projects) and stressed at home.  My landloard went into default on the home that we have been renting and we had to move last week.  Thank the lord that the new house is really nice and we had the means to be able to make the move.  I have 16.5 more lbs to loose before I hit 100 lbs.  I really want to do this.  I need to be more careful about what I'm putting in my mouth.  As time goes foreward, I am able to eat more and more.  Just because I can, doesn't mean I should, and I know that.  This surgery has fixed by overeating habit, but sure can't fix your head.  I feel better, my health is better and I will call myself successful only after I get under the 200lb mark.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

Sep 08, 2008

Remember the movie.  Where Clarise the female reindeer says Rudolph is cute and Rudolph goes jumping and flying saying she thinks I'm cute, she thinks I'm cute.  Well that's how I felt yesterday.  Not that Dr. K thinks I'm cute, but he said that he was pleased with my progress and thinks I'm right on track.  I couldn't have heard better words.  His scale officially read 231.3.  That's 64.7 lbs down since surgery and 71.7 lbs down since before my liquid diet.  I am vitamin D deficient and he gave me a perscription and he said he wants me to push my exercise so that I will reach my goal.  He set a new goal of 140 lbs for me.  My original goal was 150 lbs, but he said that in the years to come I will probably gain some of the weight back and if I start out at 140 lbs than I will look my best.  I can't wait to see what happens in the next 9 months.  Other than that, still more drama at home with Larry's son.  It is putting a real strain on my marriage.  I don't know if we are going to make it, but it's not because I'm not doing my part.  I have pledged to exercise everyday this week.  So far I have made it Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.  After my appointment with Dr. K yesterday all the drama from home seemed to disappear.  I need to make myself the priority.

That was a bust

Aug 25, 2008

246.5 - Yesterday was my 3 month appointment with Dr. K at 1:30.  I arrived in Millersville about 15 minutes early and went to check in and the receptionist says, didn't you get the letter?  I said, what letter?  Dr. K is out of the office today.  You were supposed to have received a letter telling you to call the Baltimore office to reschedule.  Then she proceeded to say that 3 other people said they had not received anything either.  WTF?  I just drove 1 1/2 hours to get here, didn't hardly sleep the night before in anticipation of my 3 month appointment and NOTHING.  I kept it inside, but I was disappointed.  I asked if I could be weighed.  I did, 238.2.  Down 58 lbs from surgery.  I saw Mary B.  She kept calling me Cathy (Don't know why), but she said that the 3 month point really doesn't count and to look at the 6 month goal of 100 lbs. She said that they had adopted a new pedometer program of 10,000 steps per day and gave me the info.  She also told me that Dr. K doesn't like protein bars, he says they are only 1 step away from a candy bar.  UUUUGGGGHHHH.  I feel like a total looser.  I've got to get more exercise in to make my 6 month goal.  I did get to meet Toccara there when I came out of the back.  So that was my positive.  New appointment scheduled for September 8th.

About Me
Cambridge, MD
Surgery Date
Sep 04, 2007
Member Since

Friends 46

Latest Blog 26
Where has the time gone?
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
That was a bust