One Year Out

May 18, 2009

Well this is my one year post.  I wish I could say that I am at goal, but I'm not.  So read on . . . or not if you are not interested, because I am doing this for me.

"What happened?" were the words that came to his mouth when I finally went to see Dr. K for my 1 year appointment.  I knew in my mind that he wouldn't be happy with me and I deserve everything that I got yesterday.  It's time for me to come clean.  I missed my 6 month appointment because I had no time to take off from work so he hadn't seen me in 9 months.  At my 3 month appointment he surprisingly told me that he thought I was doing great.  At my 6 month mark.  I was at about 96 lbs lost.  Yesterday when I got on the scale it read 191.  I had only lost about 40 lbs from my 3 month appointment.  That's nine months ago.  So I started this journey a year ago at about 303 lbs.  So I have lost a total of about 112 lbs in the past year.  To anyone else, this would be wonderful.  For a gastric bypass patient, not so much!  Especially for a patient of Dr. K's.  He expects alot from his patients.  And that's what I want, that's what I need. 

How has this year changed me?  I no longer am diabetic, I do not take any medications, I do not sleep with a CPAP, I can and do get out of the house every minute that I can, I do have energy, I feel like playing with the grandkids, i was able to fit in a roller coaster, people have noticed and commented about how great I am doing, I can fit in the booth at the restaurant, i am no longer worried that if I sit in a folding chair that it may collapse, I can buy clothes from the "non plus-size" part of the store, I completed a full-marathon and pushed myself to physical limits that I never thought possible.

What hasn't changed?  The way that I think/or don't think about food.  I still love food.  I love it's taste and I eat things that I know I should be eating.  I eat more than I know I should to sustain or loose the final 40 lbs that I need to loose.  I still see myself at that "morbidly obese" girl that is sometimes afraid to get out and do something because of "what people might say" about her.  I still head for the plus size clothes first, thinking that this is where I belong and that people may be thinking, what is she doing over on this size, she knows she can't fit that.  My food cravings.  I still love sweets and I still love "crunchy" carb loaded snacks.  I sometimes can't determine whether it's real hunger or head-hunger.  I still eat without consciousness.  I still eat when I'm not hungry.  I still eat after I'm full.  I am still afraid of being a failure.

So, Dr. K has given me an appointment in 3 months for a weight check.  What am I going to do.  I am going to do everything in my power for the next 3 months to be a "success."  I will take one day at a time and one minute at a time if I need to.  I will not eat food that is not good for me.  I will journal to help me see what I'm doing and correct issues that I have had.  I refuse to be a WLS failure.  I refuse to blame my surgery or the surgeon for failing me.  I know that Dr. K is tough, but he wants his patients to be success stories.  You haven't heard the last from me.  I refuse to fail and I will fight every minute to overcome a lifetime of unhealthy food relationships.

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