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This realtor was amazing and definately sent by God.  I'm not selling my house...at least not right now.  She helped me to see why I was feeling defeated and destroyed and showed me how to fix it.  There are more sacrifices to be made and more hard decisions to follow but she showed me that I don't have to give up my house.

The dogs have to go.  Aside from feeding them I cannot afford to take care of them properly.  I don't know the last time they went to the vet for a check-up and God forbid one of them got sick or injured.  I don't have the money for that. This is hard but it's the right thing to do for them and for me. I love them so much.  Now about Molly and her destructiveness.  She has ruined my furniture, my house, my backyard and Lord only knows how many possessions she has destroyed.  She is why my house is in bad shape and why I don't have anything.  Janette made me realize that Molly is controlling me. Her behavior is horrible which is why no one comes over here--I can't expose people to her. So anyway...I'm trying to figure out what to do with them & where to surrender them to.

Janette was sent by God to educate me on His ways and what he wants for me and to remind me how much He loves me.  I need to forgive myself for what I deem as my failures..but she reminded me they aren't mine.  I am a child of God and through Him I am blessed and loved.  Amazing...it was truly amazing and I am thankful that I found her.

One year ago today I was getting ready to go to the hospital for my RNY.  I weighed 268 lbs having lost 10 lbs on my pre-op diet.  I was wearing a size 26/28 pants and a 3X or so top (always bought big so I'm not real sure of the size on the tops).

I don't remember much about that day except that DD drove me & we hit bad traffic & I freaked out cause I thought we were going to be late.  Once I got to the hospital it's a blur. Whatever meds they gave me really mellowed me out cause I fell asleep while doing the pre-op prep and remember nothing until I got to my room.  The hospital was great. Opposite of most (of course lol) I slept A LOT--the pain meds knocked me out. I did minimal walking because I was always asleep but did force myself to walk between doses.

The first few months were tough.  Weight loss was slow and emotionally I was a wreck.  I am addicted to food and that liquid diet I was on drove me crazy (I was on full liquids for 2 months).  Once I started adding in solids I threw up everything for the first month -no nausea just couldn't tolerate solid food.  The recovery from the actual surgery was easy--the food was hard.  But at about 4 or 5 months things started to improve tremendously.  I was throwing up less and able to add in food without a lot of difficulty.  The weight started to fall off.

Let's go on to my actual life.  I became extremely active in TMB.  Just jumped right in for support and met the most wonderful people I have ever met.  Cheered me on and gave me a butt kicking when needed.  Who knew that this surgery would not only change me physically but emotionally and most importantly--spiritually.  While my body was shrinking on the outside-inside I was growing & still am.  I've been though more challenges in this last year than at any time in my life and it's been hard...BUT thanks to GOD and you all I am able to withstand anything.  Yes I have meltdowns every so often but even that is okay.  I am a stronger, happier person today than I was one year ago.

So I've lost 133 pounds, tons of inches and gained a family.  I could not be more thankful for RNY if I tried.  I love you all and even through the struggles feel more blessed than at any time in my life.

In 24 days it will be a year since my surgery.  I have been doing some reflecting lately about all the changes that have come about in my life in the last year...getting laid-off from Dell being the worst thing thing that happened and finding the "REAL" me being the best.
I have lost 130 pounds and tons of inches.  I am happy, calm and my life is on an even-keel even though money is the worst it's ever been.  I am able to handle the crap that life throws at me because I no longer hate myself and know that God loves me even when things are tough.  HE is teaching me lessons every day about who I am supposed to be...not who I think I should be.  I still have lots of moments where I think about how bad things are--but I also am wise enough to know it could be much worse.  This surgery has blessed me in so many ways.  I have found ME again...I lost her so many years ago and blamed my ex, my Mom...everyone but me.  I thought I was taking responsibility for what happened but truly I was too angry and miserable to really do that.  I hated myself and who I had become.  I was always overweight but the self-hatred really didn't start until my 30's when I gave up on everything.
So here I sit today at 47 years old (will be 48 in December) better at being me than I have ever been.  Thank you JESUS.  This would not have been possible without HIM leading the way because all I ever did was make a mess of it all.  I'm older, wiser and healthier than I have ever been...and HAPPY and feeling like I'm in my 20's wanting to try new things, make friends and find someone to share it all with.  That will come in time as well...now I truly understand it's in HIS time...never mine.

I haven't done my measurements in a while.  Since I'm 11 months out I decided it was time to do it again.  I'm now in a size 10/12...started out at a tight 26/28.

Now                                                          Pre-OP         Lost

Waist--27"                                              44"               17"

Chest--35"                                              51"               16"

Hips--38"                                                58"               20"

Thighs--L-19.5"  R-20"                     Both-33.5         13.5"

Calves--L-15"  R-15"                       Both-10.5           4.5"

Total inches lost since Oct. 30th, 2007--71 freaking inches!!!!!!  Totally incredible and it just blows my mind!!!!  I can honestly say at 47 1/2 years old I have never felt better or been happier.

I haven't blogged in a while.  Things are a mess.  Money is a mess, my daughter is a mess, my house is a mess--I feel like it's going to fall apart any second & I can't fix a thing right now.  I'm depressed and on anti-depressants.  I'm sick of the depression thing. Tired of fighting, tired of struggling. I knew losing weight wouldn't solve any of my problems but I sure thought I would have the ability to handle things better if I didn't hate myself so much.  Who was I kidding??  I still don't know how to handle anything and get so down I can't breathe.  All I can do is look up and say "Okay God this is all yours I can't deal with it" but I still can't feel positive like I normally am.   UGH...I am tired.  Sick and tired.

Well this is not what I wanted to post here.  I wanted to be inspirational and movtivating to anyone who might run across this.  Any newbies who might read this--depression is something I have always struggled with and it is NOT because of my surgery that I am going through this.  Surgery has been a blessing that's for sure.  Eating well and living well physically is a way of life now and I could not be happier about that one thing.  Food is no longer the enemy and my eating issues are no longer a problem.

I have to admit that I am not feeling very supportive right now.  I don't post that much on TMB and I don't cheer everyone on like I was.  I hope this passes soon.  I miss my TMB family but it's just not in me right now.  I start Home Depot on Saturday and dammit I will be there.  I need that money badly and can't afford to blow this opportunity to add that income to my "budget" (that was sarcastic...what freaking budget???).

Okay enough.  I'm just in a blah, down mood and beating up on me isn't going to help.  More later.

So today I had some interesting comments made to me about how I don't need to lose any more weight.  I'm not offended at all by them...these comments were made by people I love very much and I definately respect their opinions.  I'm just baffled by it though.  I'm still moderately overweight according to BMI & weight charts and still feel I have weight to lose.  But I'm confused because I don't want to go too far with the weight loss.  My goal in having surgery was to be healthy and I feel if I'm still in the moderately overweight category I'm not there yet.  I'm not trying to be a size 2 or be super skinny.  Body wise I'm happy being a size 12/14.  I feel great, know I look good...but am I ready to be done losing?  This is my question of the day and maybe the week.  Have I accomplished all I set out to accomplish if I stop now?  Will I be happy in the long run if I don't lose the last 10 pounds or am I just stuck in the habit now of losing & don't know when to quit?  Lots of stuff rattling around in my brain this evening.

I had to PM a fellow TMB'er and get on them for the way they've been acting towards me lately.  Not a thing I like to do.  Up until recently I considered this person a friend.  Have heard lots of bad stuff about them but brushed it off because I like to make my own judgements about people.  But this person is seriously on my last nerve.  I didn't read their response because quite frankly I'm tired of crap right now after all I've been through with the family.  Don't need it here--which is what I said to this person & basically told them to knock it off.  I'm so very tired of people telling me how to think, feel and behave.  This is a thing my family does that keeps me away from them...don't need it here.

ANYWAY...so I have lots of thinking to do about this weight loss journey.  I see Dr. Ganta next week and will be discussing this with him as well.  When should I stop?  When is it too much.  Am I being OCD in wanting to keep going & lose a few more pounds?  I've never been this thin..when do I stop?  Interesting place to be in & I don't know how to deal with it.

So I failed miserably at quitting smoking and haven't blogged in a while. I need Chantix and can't do that until I have health insurance...not too much longer now. I think my hire date is going to be Aug. 4th that means I will have my insurance back in November. Thank the Lord!!!

Ok so the bad news is that I don't think Amanda is going to get hired...at least not by Jo Anne. From what Jo Anne told me today she is interviewing her because it's company policy. Dang me. lol  I encouraged her to email Jo Anne & now I feel like this is my fault.  Nothing I can do though.

As for my eating...I AM SICK OF MY DIET. I go through these spells where I get frustrated because I feel as if my entire life revolves around WLS and I guess it does and will for however long GOD blesses me to be here.  I just need to accept that..but today I don't even want to eat dinner just cause I'm sick of the whole mess.  Goodness.  I have been trying to shake things up but it seems as if I need a change.  Maybe the barbeque this weekend will help.  Don't know what I'll be brave enough to try...but I am going to have a spoon of something different.

Weight is holding steady for now at 164.  That's so incredible!!!  I do want to lose more but am so thankful to be where I am!!!!!!!!!

So I have 2 adoptees...Dana & Teena.  Both have different needs and wants and I think I can help them both.  And they can both definately help me.  I love this idea & am SO GLAD that Tanya came up with it.

I am thankful everyday for my chosen family on TMB.  They are what I have always been lacking in my life.  Unconditional love and support.  What a concept.  Wonder why my family still doesn't get it?? 

Ok so last night at about 6 p.m. I smoked my last cigarette.  I put the ashtray in the kitchen and them went to the bedroom to lay down & watch TV.  I pretty much have been asleep ever since.  It's not 12:30 p.m. & I've been up for about 45 minutes.  The good news is it's easier to quit if you aren't awake.  The bad news is more caffeine today & less water. I will hopefully be able to stay awake longer now & get some water in.  I mixed my protein powder in my 2 extra coffees today so at least I've gotten in the protein. 

I have eaten a little more today but it's been protein sources.  I do not intend for this to mess up my progress at all.  I don't think smoking for 2 months necessarily means the addiction to cigarettes is back in full force & I am not going to allow it to mess with my eating. 

Hmmmm can't think of a single thing to say. Maybe my brain is still asleep..