Kaley J.

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Total Inches lost in the last month: 1
Total Inches lost Post-Op (June 2008-May2009): 56
Total Inches lost Pre-Op (March-June 2008): 16.5+
Total Inches lost Since Started Measuring (March 2008-May 2009): 72.5+

Date               Pant Size        Bra Size           Shirt Size         Shoes
3/2/08             4X/32W            52G                  30/32                M 7WW
4/7/08             4X/32W            50F                  30/32                M 7WW
5/3/08             4X/32W            50F                  28                     M 7WW
6/1/08             4X/32W            50F                  28                     M 7WW
6/23/08           3X/28W            48DDD              28                     M 7WW
Surgery!
7/25/08           24W                 48DDD              22/24                M 7WW
8/25/08           24W                 48DDD              22/24                M 7WW
9/25/08           24W                 48DDD              22/24                M 7WW
10/25/08         1X/22W            48DDD              22/24                W 8.5W
11/25/08         1X/22W            46DDD              18/20                W 8.5W
12/25/08         16WP               44DD                14/16                W 7.5W
1/25/09           16WP               44DD                14/16                W 7.5W
2/25/09           16WP               44DD                14/16                W 7.5W
3/25/09           16WP               44D                  14/16                W 7.5W
4/25/09           16WP               42DD                14/16                W 7.5W
5/25/09           16WP               42DD                14/16                W 7.5W
           
Date               Upper Arm      Forearm          Wrist             Neck
3/2/08             17”                   13”                   8”                  17-1/2”
4/7/08             16-1/2”             13”                   7-1/2”            17-1/2”
5/3/08             16”                   12-1/2”             7-1/2”            17-1/2”
6/1/08             16”                   13”                   7-1/2”            17”
6/23/08           16”                   13”                   7-1/2”            16”
Surgery!
7/25/08           15-1/2”             12-1/2”             7”                  16”
8/25/08           15”                   12”                   7”                  15”
9/25/08           14”                   11-1/2”             7”                  15”
10/25/08         13”                   11-1/2”             7”                  15”
11/25/08         13”                   11-1/4”             6-3/4”            15”
12/25/08         13"                   11"                   6-1/2"            14-1/2"
1/25/09           12-1/2"             11"                   6-1/2"            14-1/4"
2/25/09           12-1/2"             11"                   6-1/2"            13-3/4"
3/25/09           12"                   11"                   6-1/2"            13-3/4"
4/25/09           12"                   11"                   6-1/2"            14-3/4"
5/25/09           12"                   11"                   6"                  14-1/4"

Date                Thigh              Calf                 Ankle              Waist
3/2/08              34”                  24”                  12”                   57”
4/7/08              34”                  23”                  12”                   56”
5/3/08              34”                  23”                  12”                   56”
6/1/08              34-1/2”            23”                  12”                   55”
6/23/08            34”                  22-1/2”            12”                   55”
Surgery!
7/25/08            32”                  21-1/2”            11-1/2”             51”
8/25/08            31”                  21”                  11-1/2”             49”
9/25/08            29”                  21”                  11-1/2”             49”
10/25/08          29”                  20”                  11”                   48”
11/25/08          27-3/4”            20”                  10-1/2”             47”
12/25/08          27-1/2"            19-3/4"            10-1/2"             47"
1/25/09            26-1/2"            19"                  10"                   44-1/2"
2/25/09            26-1/2"            19"                  10"                   44-1/2"
3/25/09            26-1/2"            19"                  10"                   44"
4/25/09            26-1/2"            19"                  10"                   44"
5/25/09            26-1/2"            19"                  10"                   44"

Date               Knee               Elbow              Hips                Ribcage
3/2/08             20”                   13”                  **                   52”
4/7/08             20-1/2”             13”                  **                   47-1/2”
5/3/08             20”                   12-1/2”            **                   48”
6/1/08             20”                   12-1/2”            **                   46”
6/23/08           19”                   12”                  **                   44”
Surgery!
7/25/08           17”                   12”                  63”                  44”
8/25/08           17”                   11-1/2”            61”                  44”
9/25/08           17”                   11-1/2”            58-1/2”            43”
10/25/08         17”                   11”                  56”                  43”
11/25/08         16”                   10-3/4”            55”                  41”
12/25/08         16"                   10-1/2"            55"                  40-1/2"
1/25/09           15-1/2"             10-1/2"            53"                  39-1/2
2/25/09           15"                   10-1/2"            52"                  39"
3/25/09           15"                   10-1/4"            52"                  39"
4/25/09           15"                   10-1/4"            52"                  39"
5/25/09           15"                   10-1/4"            52"                  39"

I feel like my body is not my own.  Like I have no say in what it does, what it feels or what happens to it.  I feel unsafe in my own skin.  When I look in the mirror or take pictures of myself now I see a stranger, I don't see me and it makes me insecure.  Add to that that I have never seen myself before as a curvy feminine woman, let alone a sexual being and it scares me.  I have always I guess viewed myself as an aesexual entity, neither feminine nor masculine and definitely not sexual.  And as the fat disappears my skin is feeling sensations more readily and many of them are completely foreign to me.

My surgeon and therapist assure me this is normal and will pass and I will adjust and I am working on it in therapy but it is seriously freaking me out and unforunately causing me to not eat all of the nutrients that I should.  Very dangerous, I know, and I'm working on it.

I need to gain some sense of ownership over my body.  Some recognition that it is mine, even in this new form.  And I don't know how to do that feeling as unsafe as I do.

Basically in the last month I have been at a stand-still weight and measurement-wise (except for losing a cup size).  I am not here to dog on myself about it because it has been an incredibly and unusually stressful month.  I have been hospitalized in-patient for 6.5 days, had to take FMLA off of work through the end of the school year, am currently in out-patient hospitalization and am just trying to function without being a complete emotional wreck.  The stress alone could put me into a stall based on past experiences.

That being said, I have some goals for myself...

1.  Start keeping my food journal again and planning my meals and snacks for the day the night before (I was doing this but with how crazy everything has been it fell off).

2.  Start excercising more regularly now that the weather is good - going for walks, exercise DVDs, etc. (I was doing this regularly before I lost my car and the ability to drive by going to the Y.  I have borrowed some exercise DVDs from a friend and have started doing them).

3.  Start doing more to consciously relax - yoga, deep breathing, mindfulness, etc. (Just in general try to look out more for my emotional, spiritual, and mental well-being).

I think if I do these things I will start to lose weight again.  I know that the numbers should not be my ultimate goal, health should, but I think at this point the numbers are a reflection of how crazy everything has been and I need to actively try to counteract that.

One thing I learned in March that I forgot to share was that the notion of queen-size beds being for 2 people was not just the hype a savvy salesmen!  I have never been able to share a queen-size bed with another person.  I was always too large.  So when my mom came to visit and we went to stay in a bed and breakfast in Amish country I figured I would let her have the queen-size bed in the room and I would sleep on the 2-seater couch.  I just "knew" I couldn't fit on the same bed as another person without it being a king-size.

To me the sizes of the beds went: twin-sized is for children, queen-sized is for one adult, and king sized is for two adults.  I never understood how a married couple I knew managed on a queen-sized bed.  It frankly did not seem possible for me, or for anyone else comfortably.

So my mom suggested we share the bed and I said, okay we could try for the first night but I'd probably move to the couch and be more comfortable - I did not think sharing the bed would work but did not want to bring that up.  Lo and behold, we could fit relatively comfortably.  It probably would have been more comfortable had I not been so tense about it we FIT!  I could never do that before!  Will the wonders never cease?!

Total Inches lost in the last month: 1 cup size
Total Inches lost Post-Op (June 2008-April 2009): 55
Total Inches lost Pre-Op (March-June 2008): 16.5+
Total Inches lost Since Started Measuring (March 2008-April 2009): 71.5+

Date               Pant Size        Bra Size           Shirt Size         Shoes
3/2/08             4X/32W            52G                  30/32                M 7WW
4/7/08             4X/32W            50F                  30/32                M 7WW
5/3/08             4X/32W            50F                  28                     M 7WW
6/1/08             4X/32W            50F                  28                     M 7WW
6/23/08           3X/28W            48DDD              28                     M 7WW
Surgery!
7/25/08           24W                 48DDD              22/24                M 7WW
8/25/08           24W                 48DDD              22/24                M 7WW
9/25/08           24W                 48DDD              22/24                M 7WW
10/25/08         1X/22W            48DDD              22/24                W 8.5W
11/25/08         1X/22W            46DDD              18/20                W 8.5W
12/25/08         16WP               44DD                14/16                W 7.5W
1/25/09           16WP               44DD                14/16                W 7.5W
2/25/09           16WP               44DD                14/16                W 7.5W
3/25/09           16WP               44D                  14/16                W 7.5W
4/25/08           16WP               42DD                14/16                W 7.5W
           
Date               Upper Arm      Forearm          Wrist             Neck
3/2/08             17”                   13”                   8”                  17-1/2”
4/7/08             16-1/2”             13”                   7-1/2”            17-1/2”
5/3/08             16”                   12-1/2”             7-1/2”            17-1/2”
6/1/08             16”                   13”                   7-1/2”            17”
6/23/08           16”                   13”                   7-1/2”            16”
Surgery!
7/25/08           15-1/2”             12-1/2”             7”                  16”
8/25/08           15”                   12”                   7”                  15”
9/25/08           14”                   11-1/2”             7”                  15”
10/25/08         13”                   11-1/2”             7”                  15”
11/25/08         13”                   11-1/4”             6-3/4”            15”
12/25/08         13"                   11"                   6-1/2"            14-1/2"
1/25/09           12-1/2"             11"                   6-1/2"            14-1/4"
2/25/09           12-1/2"             11"                   6-1/2"            13-3/4"
3/25/09           12"                   11"                   6-1/2"            13-3/4"
4/25/08           12"                   11"                   6-1/2"            14-3/4"

Date                Thigh              Calf                 Ankle              Waist
3/2/08              34”                  24”                  12”                   57”
4/7/08              34”                  23”                  12”                   56”
5/3/08              34”                  23”                  12”                   56”
6/1/08              34-1/2”            23”                  12”                   55”
6/23/08            34”                  22-1/2”            12”                   55”
Surgery!
7/25/08            32”                  21-1/2”            11-1/2”             51”
8/25/08            31”                  21”                  11-1/2”             49”
9/25/08            29”                  21”                  11-1/2”             49”
10/25/08          29”                  20”                  11”                   48”
11/25/08          27-3/4”            20”                  10-1/2”             47”
12/25/08          27-1/2"            19-3/4"            10-1/2"             47"
1/25/09            26-1/2"            19"                  10"                   44-1/2"
2/25/09            26-1/2"            19"                  10"                   44-1/2"
3/25/09            26-1/2"            19"                  10"                   44"
4/25/08            26-1/2"            19"                  10"                   44"

Date               Knee               Elbow              Hips                Ribcage
3/2/08             20”                   13”                  **                   52”
4/7/08             20-1/2”             13”                  **                   47-1/2”
5/3/08             20”                   12-1/2”            **                   48”
6/1/08             20”                   12-1/2”            **                   46”
6/23/08           19”                   12”                  **                   44”
Surgery!
7/25/08           17”                   12”                  63”                  44”
8/25/08           17”                   11-1/2”            61”                  44”
9/25/08           17”                   11-1/2”            58-1/2”            43”
10/25/08         17”                   11”                  56”                  43”
11/25/08         16”                   10-3/4”            55”                  41”
12/25/08         16"                   10-1/2"            55"                  40-1/2"
1/25/09           15-1/2"             10-1/2"            53"                  39-1/2
2/25/09           15"                   10-1/2"            52"                  39"
3/25/09           15"                   10-1/4"            52"                  39"
4/25/08           15"                   10-1/4"            52"                  39"

I had an appointment with the neurologist and he cleared me to go back to life as normal (including driving)!   His opinion is that whatever work was claiming to see (if indeed they really saw anything) was the result of stress and depression (caused by administration of course).

Basically though, I want a new job.

Total Inches lost in the last month: 1.25
Total Inches lost Post-Op (June 2008-March 2009): 55
Total Inches lost Pre-Op (March-June 2008): 16.5+
Total Inches lost Since Started Measuring (March 2008-March 2009): 71.5+

Date               Pant Size        Bra Size           Shirt Size         Shoes
3/2/08             4X/32W            52G                  30/32                M 7WW
4/7/08             4X/32W            50F                  30/32                M 7WW
5/3/08             4X/32W            50F                  28                     M 7WW
6/1/08             4X/32W            50F                  28                     M 7WW
6/23/08           3X/28W            48DDD              28                     M 7WW
Surgery!
7/25/08           24W                 48DDD              22/24                M 7WW
8/25/08           24W                 48DDD              22/24                M 7WW
9/25/08           24W                 48DDD              22/24                M 7WW
10/25/08         1X/22W            48DDD              22/24                W 8.5W
11/25/08         1X/22W            46DDD              18/20                W 8.5W
12/25/08         16WP               44DD                14/16                W 7.5W
1/25/09           16WP               44DD                14/16                W 7.5W
2/25/09           16WP               44DD                14/16                W 7.5W
3/25/09           16WP               44D                  14/16                W 7.5W
           
Date               Upper Arm      Forearm          Wrist             Neck
3/2/08             17”                   13”                   8”                  17-1/2”
4/7/08             16-1/2”             13”                   7-1/2”            17-1/2”
5/3/08             16”                   12-1/2”             7-1/2”            17-1/2”
6/1/08             16”                   13”                   7-1/2”            17”
6/23/08           16”                   13”                   7-1/2”            16”
Surgery!
7/25/08           15-1/2”             12-1/2”             7”                  16”
8/25/08           15”                   12”                   7”                  15”
9/25/08           14”                   11-1/2”             7”                  15”
10/25/08         13”                   11-1/2”             7”                  15”
11/25/08         13”                   11-1/4”             6-3/4”            15”
12/25/08         13"                   11"                   6-1/2"            14-1/2"
1/25/09           12-1/2"             11"                   6-1/2"            14-1/4"
2/25/09           12-1/2"             11"                   6-1/2"            13-3/4"
3/25/09           12"                   11"                   6-1/2"            13-3/4"

Date                Thigh              Calf                 Ankle              Waist
3/2/08              34”                  24”                  12”                   57”
4/7/08              34”                  23”                  12”                   56”
5/3/08              34”                  23”                  12”                   56”
6/1/08              34-1/2”            23”                  12”                   55”
6/23/08            34”                  22-1/2”            12”                   55”
Surgery!
7/25/08            32”                  21-1/2”            11-1/2”             51”
8/25/08            31”                  21”                  11-1/2”             49”
9/25/08            29”                  21”                  11-1/2”             49”
10/25/08          29”                  20”                  11”                   48”
11/25/08          27-3/4”            20”                  10-1/2”             47”
12/25/08          27-1/2"            19-3/4"            10-1/2"             47"
1/25/09            26-1/2"            19"                  10"                   44-1/2"
2/25/09            26-1/2"            19"                  10"                   44-1/2"
3/25/09            26-1/2"            19"                  10"                   44"

Date               Knee               Elbow              Hips                Ribcage
3/2/08             20”                   13”                  **                   52”
4/7/08             20-1/2”             13”                  **                   47-1/2”
5/3/08             20”                   12-1/2”            **                   48”
6/1/08             20”                   12-1/2”            **                   46”
6/23/08           19”                   12”                  **                   44”
Surgery!
7/25/08           17”                   12”                  63”                  44”
8/25/08           17”                   11-1/2”            61”                  44”
9/25/08           17”                   11-1/2”            58-1/2”            43”
10/25/08         17”                   11”                  56”                  43”
11/25/08         16”                   10-3/4”            55”                  41”
12/25/08         16"                   10-1/2"            55"                  40-1/2"
1/25/09           15-1/2"             10-1/2"            53"                  39-1/2
2/25/09           15"                   10-1/2"            52"                  39"
3/25/09           15"                   10-1/4"            52"                  39"

Cardboard Testimonies

LifeHouse's Everything Drama

Total Inches lost in the last month: 2.5
Total Inches lost Post-Op (June 2008-February 2009): 53.75
Total Inches lost Pre-Op (March-June 2008): 16.5+
Total Inches lost Since Started Measuring (March 2008-February 2009): 70.25+

Date               Pant Size        Bra Size           Shirt Size         Shoes
3/2/08             4X/32W            52G                  30/32                M 7WW
4/7/08             4X/32W            50F                  30/32                M 7WW
5/3/08             4X/32W            50F                  28                     M 7WW
6/1/08             4X/32W            50F                  28                     M 7WW
6/23/08           3X/28W            48DDD              28                     M 7WW
Surgery!
7/25/08           24W                 48DDD              22/24                M 7WW
8/25/08           24W                 48DDD              22/24                M 7WW
9/25/08           24W                 48DDD              22/24                M 7WW
10/25/08         1X/22W            48DDD              22/24                W 8.5W
11/25/08         1X/22W            46DDD              18/20                W 8.5W
12/25/08         16WP               44DD                14/16                W 7.5W
1/25/09           16WP               44DD                14/16                W 7.5W
2/25/08           16WP               44DD                14/16                W 7.5W
           
Date               Upper Arm      Forearm          Wrist             Neck
3/2/08             17”                   13”                   8”                  17-1/2”
4/7/08             16-1/2”             13”                   7-1/2”            17-1/2”
5/3/08             16”                   12-1/2”             7-1/2”            17-1/2”
6/1/08             16”                   13”                   7-1/2”            17”
6/23/08           16”                   13”                   7-1/2”            16”
Surgery!
7/25/08           15-1/2”             12-1/2”             7”                  16”
8/25/08           15”                   12”                   7”                  15”
9/25/08           14”                   11-1/2”             7”                  15”
10/25/08         13”                   11-1/2”             7”                  15”
11/25/08         13”                   11-1/4”             6-3/4”            15”
12/25/08         13"                   11"                   6-1/2"            14-1/2"
1/25/09           12-1/2"             11"                   6-1/2"            14-1/4"
2/25/08           12-1/2"             11"                   6-1/2"            13-3/4"

Date                Thigh              Calf                 Ankle              Waist
3/2/08              34”                  24”                  12”                   57”
4/7/08              34”                  23”                  12”                   56”
5/3/08              34”                  23”                  12”                   56”
6/1/08              34-1/2”            23”                  12”                   55”
6/23/08            34”                  22-1/2”            12”                   55”
Surgery!
7/25/08            32”                  21-1/2”            11-1/2”             51”
8/25/08            31”                  21”                  11-1/2”             49”
9/25/08            29”                  21”                  11-1/2”             49”
10/25/08          29”                  20”                  11”                   48”
11/25/08          27-3/4”            20”                  10-1/2”             47”
12/25/08          27-1/2"            19-3/4"            10-1/2"             47"
1/25/09            26-1/2"            19"                  10"                   44-1/2"
2/25/08            26-1/2"            19"                  10"                   44-1/2"

Date               Knee               Elbow              Hips                Ribcage
3/2/08             20”                   13”                  **                   52”
4/7/08             20-1/2”             13”                  **                   47-1/2”
5/3/08             20”                   12-1/2”            **                   48”
6/1/08             20”                   12-1/2”            **                   46”
6/23/08           19”                   12”                  **                   44”
Surgery!
7/25/08           17”                   12”                  63”                  44”
8/25/08           17”                   11-1/2”            61”                  44”
9/25/08           17”                   11-1/2”            58-1/2”            43”
10/25/08         17”                   11”                  56”                  43”
11/25/08         16”                   10-3/4”            55”                  41”
12/25/08         16"                   10-1/2"            55"                  40-1/2"
1/25/09           15-1/2"             10-1/2"            53"                  39-1/2
2/25/08           15"                   10-1/2"            52"                  39"

In the last week or so I have suddenly and without warning gotten more male attention than I have ever gotten in my entire life (probably from having to start to use the public transit system with some regularity to get home from work).  I have NEVER had anyone hit on me before now, not even in high school.  My usual historical interaction with guys has been being ignored, rude reactions, or just indifference.  My interactions with people I don't know well in general tend in relation to my gender tend to be indifferent or nonexistent, though in the past (high school) I was asked at one point what gender I was which was weird.  I dress like a woman.  It's clear that I'm a woman, but no one has ever shown any interest in me as a woman, which is why the sudden shower of interest is very confusing and strange and unexpected for me.

Here is what happened (in order of occurance)...

Scenario #1:  A 24-year old male on his way to an early party with a rather sizeable bag of alcohol proceded to hit on four younger girls on the bus who declined his advances and then moved on to me.  I didn't know what to do (having never dealt with that before) but was able to finally get him to desist.

Scenario #2:  An older guy (I'm thinking late 50's maybe early 60's) struck up a conversation with me and told me that looking at me with the eyes of a man looking at a woman he found me very attractive.  (Same day as Scenario #1, Second Bus)

Scenario #3: I'm getting on the bus at the transit station, putting my token in the slot and saying hello to the bus driver who I'm getting to know by now, and a guy about my age gestures to a seat in the front and says very nicely to me, "Why don't you have a seat over here sweetie, so I can get off the bus?"

Okay, starting with Scenario #3, I would never have gotten such a polite statement before, let alone a sweetie.  Before now I would have either gotten a rude comment or just a general excuse me, I need to get through.  I have never had a random guy, or any guy, call me sweetie.  I just don't know what to make of that.

It's just, I am so used to being either invisible to guys or to being seen as a fat, unattractive blob of a person who is not worthy of any proper treatment.  I am not used to being seen by guys, let alone being seen as someone worth noticing for more than a passing glance.  And it's bringing out all of these insecurities about not only my body but also about who I am as a person and whether anyone of the male gender will ever accept me fully for who I am because they're only now noticing and seeming to begin caring about me now that my body is starting to fit better into the mold that they like.

It's like all of a sudden I crossed that magic line to being visible.  That magic line to being human.  And now people, and guys in particular, want me to let them in to get me and I feel like saying "What makes me trust you any more now than I did then?"  Yes, being noticed is nice.  Yes being found attractive is nice.  Yes having people want to get to know me and want to introduce me to their friends is nice.  But where was that a year ago?  5 years ago when I was at my highest weight?  I am the same person.  I know how to be invisible.  I know how to be nonhuman.  I don't know how to be "human" as it were.  I don't know what I want to let other people see when they see me, when they get to know me.  Because all these new people who are wanting to get to know me are people who are wanting to get to know me now, now that I am visible, and I don't frankly feel I can trust them.  I don't know how to deal with this.

I want to be a lady of God.  A woman after God's own heart who finds her beauty in God, not in the physical appearance.  But at the same time, going through this weight loss journey it feels like everything is about the physical because everything about me physically is changing and the way people are responding to my physical appearance is changing and the way I feel about my physical appearance is changing and I don't know what to do to keep it balanced.  I just feel very confused and very off kilter.