God, Male Attention, Insecurity, etc...

Feb 09, 2009

In the last week or so I have suddenly and without warning gotten more male attention than I have ever gotten in my entire life (probably from having to start to use the public transit system with some regularity to get home from work).  I have NEVER had anyone hit on me before now, not even in high school.  My usual historical interaction with guys has been being ignored, rude reactions, or just indifference.  My interactions with people I don't know well in general tend in relation to my gender tend to be indifferent or nonexistent, though in the past (high school) I was asked at one point what gender I was which was weird.  I dress like a woman.  It's clear that I'm a woman, but no one has ever shown any interest in me as a woman, which is why the sudden shower of interest is very confusing and strange and unexpected for me.

Here is what happened (in order of occurance)...

Scenario #1:  A 24-year old male on his way to an early party with a rather sizeable bag of alcohol proceded to hit on four younger girls on the bus who declined his advances and then moved on to me.  I didn't know what to do (having never dealt with that before) but was able to finally get him to desist.

Scenario #2:  An older guy (I'm thinking late 50's maybe early 60's) struck up a conversation with me and told me that looking at me with the eyes of a man looking at a woman he found me very attractive.  (Same day as Scenario #1, Second Bus)

Scenario #3: I'm getting on the bus at the transit station, putting my token in the slot and saying hello to the bus driver who I'm getting to know by now, and a guy about my age gestures to a seat in the front and says very nicely to me, "Why don't you have a seat over here sweetie, so I can get off the bus?"

Okay, starting with Scenario #3, I would never have gotten such a polite statement before, let alone a sweetie.  Before now I would have either gotten a rude comment or just a general excuse me, I need to get through.  I have never had a random guy, or any guy, call me sweetie.  I just don't know what to make of that.

It's just, I am so used to being either invisible to guys or to being seen as a fat, unattractive blob of a person who is not worthy of any proper treatment.  I am not used to being seen by guys, let alone being seen as someone worth noticing for more than a passing glance.  And it's bringing out all of these insecurities about not only my body but also about who I am as a person and whether anyone of the male gender will ever accept me fully for who I am because they're only now noticing and seeming to begin caring about me now that my body is starting to fit better into the mold that they like.

It's like all of a sudden I crossed that magic line to being visible.  That magic line to being human.  And now people, and guys in particular, want me to let them in to get me and I feel like saying "What makes me trust you any more now than I did then?"  Yes, being noticed is nice.  Yes being found attractive is nice.  Yes having people want to get to know me and want to introduce me to their friends is nice.  But where was that a year ago?  5 years ago when I was at my highest weight?  I am the same person.  I know how to be invisible.  I know how to be nonhuman.  I don't know how to be "human" as it were.  I don't know what I want to let other people see when they see me, when they get to know me.  Because all these new people who are wanting to get to know me are people who are wanting to get to know me now, now that I am visible, and I don't frankly feel I can trust them.  I don't know how to deal with this.

I want to be a lady of God.  A woman after God's own heart who finds her beauty in God, not in the physical appearance.  But at the same time, going through this weight loss journey it feels like everything is about the physical because everything about me physically is changing and the way people are responding to my physical appearance is changing and the way I feel about my physical appearance is changing and I don't know what to do to keep it balanced.  I just feel very confused and very off kilter.

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