What I Know Now That I Didn't Know 10 Years Ago.......

Nov 10, 2010

Sorry this is kinda long--I have a progressive10 yrs anniv album that I hope you'll check out.

It almost seems incomprehensable for me to believe that my one day at a time has now passed 10 years since I walked into that operating room Sept 18, 2000, & had my bariatric surgery. I didn't want to be that prisoner locked inside my obesity.  When winter arrived in 2000, I felt the first snowflakes fall on my cheeks because I was outside walking in the cold instead of sitting in my chair feeling sorry for myself & believing I couldn't exercise or lose weight.  Something as small as a snowflake had a tremendous impact on the beginning of my new life because I had hope & I was able to follow my program. 

My exercise started by taking one step @ a time & putting one foot in front of the other.  At first it was a challenge to get from one end of my small home to the other.  I didn't think of it as dreaded "exercise" that I had to do.  I was taking very small walks that progressed to a 10 year journey, losing 225#, & gaining a whole new life.   My honeymoon is over & now I go through the reality of the hills &  valleys.  I have my ups & downs.  Many of my goals & expectations have far surpassed what I ever expected & others have been a struggle for me, but all in all, I feel very blessed & wouldn't change anything about my journey.

My goal was/is to live the second half of my life much better than I did the first half.  I knocked on death's door twice in the first half.  Once from complications of a surgery & again when I was suicidal during my traumatizing divorce.  But God had different plans for me.  What doesn't kill you will make you stronger.  I'm a believer!  I've been thru every form of abuse.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone but if I hadn't gone through those fires, I wouldn't know today just how strong & determined I am.  Yes, it took the unbelievable, unimaginable, unthinkable, & unbearable to happen to me before I surrendered to God that my life was out of control & my way wasn't working. I couldn't change my past but I could change my future. I've risen from the ashes. My faith is stronger.  It's taught me perseverence, patience, & believing in myself.  I'm really proud of what I've done the last 10 years.  They are my past now & I don't look back on them with the same regret & wish I could do it over.  Yes, I'm grateful I had WLS & I would do it again! It is only a tool but it keeps on energizing me physically & emotionally over & over again just like the energizer bunny; I keep going & going.  But I have the responsibility of recharging the batteries & maintaining the tool, if you get my drift, or I'm not going anywhere.

My success is measured not by the things I've done right but by all the lessons I've learned from the mistakes I've made & worked hard to not repeat. In helping others that have struggled with abuse, divorce, relationship issues, depression, empty nesting, failed diets, food addiction, & other issues staying on track during maintenance, I'm not only paying it forward but I've received 10 fold in return.  I realized that I had to do some things I've never done in order to get some things that I've never had. I am "practicing" a new lifestyle just like an athlete practices for their particular sport.  They aren't going to be any good at it if they don't kept practicing over & over. The more effort they put into it, the better they are going to be.  The longer I practice, the better I get at it.  

I lost 225#  from my highest weight of 350# & I've kept it all off within a 15# window.   Even more remarkable is that I've had zero complications; not even 1 endoscope.  I did develop reactive hypoglycemia in Jan 2010. 10 years ago I couldn't even comprehend that I would be sitting here typing those first 2 sentences. I weigh myself at least 1X a week.  I allow myself a 5# gain, then a change my routine.  I've been richly blessed & sometimes wonder why I deserve these blessings. God gets the glory & I will continue to pay it forward.  But God didn't give me a free pass through this whole journey.  Its not been all hearts & roses. I still struggle with depression but I've learned to focus alot more on the positive & have a good attitude which isn't how I lived the first half of my life. Also having the strong support of my bariatric sisters & brothers has been pivitol in my journey.  You are family to me & I love you. 

I don't feel deprived of eating what I want.  I'm asked by post op's frequently,  "you can eat (in moderation) anything you want to right?"   My answer  is "I don't choose to eat anything I want to.  I didn't have this surgery so I could eat whatever I want.  I had it so I could DO whatever I want, whenever I want."  I can have a forbidden food if I want too but  9X out 10, I don't choose to because I don't want it. That didn't happen overnight but the more mobility I had, the more it lit a fire under me because I treasure what I can DO and WHERE I can GO, more than being a prisoner of my home in front of the TV surrounded by lots of junk food to numb my pain. If I choose to have that forbidden food or trigger food, I know the consequences of my choice but I'm not going to beat myself up for it.  I'm human, not perfect. Again, it takes lots of practice & repeating the same good habits over & over even when it feels foreign.  I didn't even realize that those good habits weren't foreign to me anymore.  They're now my daily routine (not diet) & the forbidden foods & triggers are on my short list now & seem foreign. That's cool. 
  
Relationships are much harder than I thought they would be with men, women, family, & friends.  2 yrs. after my WLS, I started dating. I hadn't dated for over 30 yrs., was 50 & feeling fabulous. But I didn't know how to be a thin single woman: how to act, socialize, date, & especially how to dress.  I want to show my curves & look sexy but I don't want to look like I'm ready for a booty call. I lost 225# of insulation to protect me & now I feel vulnerable, naked, & very visible.  I felt like the new woman that just moved into town.  No one knew me & it felt like the old Kat dropped off the face of the earth; but I knew better. I am turning heads like I never imagined.  Single, sexy, & desireable were words I never thought I'd hear after age 50!  Men offering their seat when I have to stand, letting me go ahead of them at the check-out, & giving me their phone numbers.  In my day girls didn't call guys but things are different now. They stop to let me walk across the street when they have the right of way.  I took several private ballroom dance lessons & felt like I was Cinderella being swept around the dance floor by one suitor after another.  They were wondering who this mysterious beauty was & where did she come from. I'm silently thinking, " Ashes."  It became obvious to me that many of the women thought I was their competition.  Who?  Me?  I've never been any woman's competition. Now women are jealous of me & can be cruel.  They wish I was fat, ugly, didn't know how to dance, & wasn't a Nascar buff! LOL  I did lots of fun things on dates but it also had lots of hard lessons for me, because I was use to that old familiar territory, which sub-consciously included the same kind of men like my abusive Ex.   I didn't know what I didn't know.  Now I do.  No more fairy tales for me.  

My decision to put myself & my health first has been difficult for my family & friends.  Misery loves company & I'm not good company for them anymore because I'm not miserable.  I choose not to eat like they do & its makes them uncomfortable so they criticize what I eat & what I don't eat.  Go figure!   I remind them of what they feel they can't accomplish in their own lives.  That's not my fault but I'm the target so I get shunned. Actions speak louder than their words when it comes to support being offered.  I feel like they want me to fail.  I don't like to be around their negative attitudes & put downs. Before I felt weak & insecure & sought my families approval to make any decision or choice.  Now I'm stronger, more secure, & confident in making my own decisions & choices.  This is foreign to them & not easily accepted thus they try to sabotage me. Setting boundaries is important & I'm worth it. But it takes lots of practice & it's hard. This leg of my journey has been really difficult.  I can't tell you how much my bari family's support has helped fill this void.  They have given me all the positive feedback & energy I've needed, & surrounded me with love & support.  Recently I've had more family drama & could really use your love & support right now.        

Nowoman--- or man stands alone in this journey.  I truly believe its a team effort & we all get our strength, encouragement,  inspiration & even our tough love from each other.  IMHO, anyone that believes they can have WLS, & then go home & do it all on their own, is the least likely to succed. 

                           BEFORE & MY 10 YEAR SURGIVERSARY 2010
   
 




 


                         

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