kathy S.

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So, today was day one of liquid diet and my last day at the office.  I bought all light juice drinks and was looking at the bottle on the way to work and realized it had fructose in it and freaked out and called Tracy SUPERFLY (that's what I call her).  She said it was fine.

I tried my citracal chews today.  They are really good.  I had apple juice, cranberry juice, power ade (too sweet) Emeril's beef broth (really good flavor and had 2 gm of protein in it) an EAS Cafe Caramel  pre-made protein shake (coffee flavor-good) and around 3pm, I had a fuzzy headache.  I was talking to a friend on the phone and she said I was probably suffereing from low blood sugar.  Duh...took my amaryl this morning and that was not a good thing.  Hadn't had carbs since about 10:30 or so either.  I drank an apple juice and felt better in about 15 minutes.

Fuzzy headache came back around 5pm.  I was trying to tie up loose ends before I left and needed to finish.  

Got home and made my unjury chocolate protein shake with skim milk.  That's really good protein powder.  Smooth...not gritty.

I keep remembering what Jan said on tuesday about "liquid in...liquid out" and am wondering when that will start.

I've had 2 apple juices 10 oz, 2 cranberry juices, 1 water, 1 EAS protein shake 11 oz, 4 cups of broth (2 emerils beef and 2 of Liptons Beefy Onion soup with onions removed -really good) and 8 oz chocolate unjury protein shake and a SF cherry jello cup.  That's less than 500 calories.  I'm not hungry.  What's wrong with this picture?  If I can do this to prepare for life changing surgery, why can't I keep myself in control all the time?  It's probably a question I'll never answer.  All I know is that this surgery is going to save my life.  PERIOD.

I am so thankful to God that I have this opportunity.  God, reveal to me the ministry that you have for me from this surgery.  In Jesus name...

Well, I am all done and ready for surgery.  Had my pre-registration yesterday for surgery.  Had instructions for surgery and what to expect following surgery.  Took a tour of the bariatric floor and met some of the staff.  

Today had an appt with the PA, Mark.  He's cool, in a band called Miles from Coletrain.  Found out my goal weight is 135.  I'll be skinny at 135.  

I'm exicted!

Since I have my pre-op on Wednesday, tomorrow is school, I was trying to figure out what I wanted to indulge on before surgey.  I decided I wanted to have prime rib.  Well Steak and Ale doesn't have good prime rib.  I went to Longhorn or Lonestar ... I don't k now which it is.  It's on Bayou Blvd in front of Target.

I had a long island iced tea and wanted the prime rib, but they only serve it on the weekend.  Mostly what they had was sirloin and I eat that all the time.  I splurged on a T-bone.  Salad was great---had blue cheese on the side.  Two slices of their pumpernickel bread with butter, and I ate the entire 20 oz steak.  I only ate about 5 steak fried because I was about to bust!

It was great though and I enjoyed my last meal.  Tomorrow night will probably be soup...the dinner of lonley women and I don't know what Wednesday will bring with Halloween.  

I really didn't overdo it though tonight and I'm proud of myself.  Since Karl left for good, I've lost 10 pounds and dropped my bmi by 1 point.  Not too bad, but I know it's stress.

So Saturday I was up early to print off something for school (and finish something a paper) and my internet was not working.  So I get on with Cox and the poor guy could sense my frustration.  They could  send someone out on Saturday but he couldn't give me a time.  Well, I have school on Sat till about three and I needed to get downtown to get the table set up for the ghost tours.  I asked him if he would do a search for me for a paper source and he helped me out with that.  I apologized for getting an attitude with him.

I was on my way to Starbucks after that and almost got stopped by the breast cancer walk on 9th.  I zipped through and took a shortcut to tippin. 
Got my venti cup of coffee with a shot of hazelnut syrup.  Came back down 9th with plenty of time to get to PJC and stuck again.  The women were crossing the street and they weren't letting anyone turn.  I tried to do a u-turn and a PPD blew his siren at me.  I did it anyway after he passed by me.  I finally got to school about 5 minutes late.

We had a quiz.  I finished my coffee and ate my biscuit and we were reviewing a short story.  My skin started crawling from the coffee.  I almost couldn't keep myself together.  We left there and went to the computer lab for 2.5 hours to learn how to do research using pjc library internet.  So cool.  Done with school and I ran to get my nails done.  She did a really crappy job, but I didn't have time to complain.  Still feeling like my skin was crawling.  I've never had a caffine buzz except for one time before.  It's enough to make you swear off of caffine.

We had a fundraising party and I was still very jumpy at 5:30.   I was drinking water and someone told me I should have a drink.  So I had a weak drink (3 of them) but they were in small rocks glasses.  It helped calm me.  

I got home and talked to my husband for a while and then I had another call.  My body was still shaking and I felt like I was shivering in my gut but I wasn't cold.  Saturday really scared me.  I also had no appetite of course.  Big Sexy Foods did the catering and I could have put the feed bag on but I only nibbled.  Got home and opened a can of soup and only ate about 5 bites of the soup.  I'm swearing off caffine from Starbucks forever (well, forever is a long time).  I brew my own starbucks at home, but it's never as strong.  

What a weird feeling!

So this morning @ 9am my husband and I were in the parking lot of McDonald's hugging and crying because he leaves for 5 months for Texas.  The reality is that if he weren't leaving, I wouldn't be having surgery.  The other reality is that I'll have to do the surgery without him.  What a double edged sword.  

We haven't been separated like that since he went to school the first time in 1987...twenty years ago.  The thought of not having him here as I go in for major surgery is pretty scary.  We had the discussion of "what if" and he and I were in agreement in case something happens with surgery.  I know I'll be surrounded by friends, can't say as much for my family but my husband's family will be there.

So today, I am two weeks out from surgery.  Actually, right now I am less than two weeks out from surgery! Yippee for me!!

I am so excited.  I went to Biloxi on Wednesday to help my husband and make sure that he didn't leave anything behind in his room.  He finished out-processing and the Reserve liaison told him he had to report on Monday which was totally different from what his orders said.  We were both really pissed off about it and it ruined our day together.  

He called the reserve liaison @ Sheppard AFB and they said to report next Monday so I'll have him until Wednesday morning!  And then won't see him again until Christmas.  I'll probably have lost 40 pounds by then.  He graduates in the middle of March so I won't see him after Christmas.  This week I will cherish.

The American Heritage Dictionary defines catharsis as a release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or refreshes the spirit.

Now, this is not going to be a long philosophical discussion.  But just an observation of my actions last night.

I cleaned out my closet last night.  Until 12:30 AM!  I've been weeding out my closet for over a year now, getting rid of stuff that I don't like to wear, etc.  When I found a weed, instead of discarding it, I dropped it on the floor of my closet.  My walkin closet was about 2 feet deep with discarded "weeds." I got 3 bags of clothes off the floor and a bag of table cloths, placemats and old sheets from there too.  

Then my focus went to the clothes that were hanging up, packed and crammed like little sardines in my amply sized closet.  Since we are moving into another season (is that what we call it in Florida?), I decided to pull out my summer clothes that I know will be too big to wear when the weather jumps back into the 90's again.  By the end of the night, I had another 4 bags of clothes to donate to charity.  I don't have the time or energy to put them on Ebay right now, but will definitely do that with the clothes after surgery.  I need to think about who would benefit the most from these clothes.  Probably a homeless shelter or a family shelter.  There usually aren't many options in a thrift store for plus sized clothes and these are the bigguns!  3X & 26-28 and some 30-32's.

So here's how it broke down:  

1 full bag of dresses
1 bag of sweat clothes (I don't even wear them out in public!)
1 bag of skirts and dress shirts
1 bag of sweaters
3 bags of cotton polos, blouses and t-shirts

Stacy London and Clinton Kelly would have had a ton of fun with my closet, but I've never seen a really fat person on What Not To Wear.

The purge felt so great.  It was almost like loosing weight!  I can walk in my closet now and not have to shove things around to get to what I want to wear for the day.  The next step will be my dresser drawers, but I'm not ready for that yet.

I stopped and looked at all the "pods" of clothing scattered around my floor last night and thought to myself, I wonder how much money did that represent?  I couldn't grasp the figure in my mind, but probably $1-2,000.  I saved some of my nicer outfits that I know will sell well on EBAY though.  But the bags represented years of being uncomfortable in my clothes.  I'm not depressed about my weight.  It is what it is.  I did it to myself and why should I be depressed about it.  There are good choices in clothing for fat people now and there is no excuse not to look great when you go out.  What I don't like is the immobility that the weight causes.  Movement and exercise is like torture to my back, knees and ankles.  Ugh.

But that is soon to be a memory for me and I am so looking forward to shopping in a regular store!!! No more Lane Bryant, Plus Size Cato, and Romans catalog.  That will be wonderful.

I would recommend the closet clean out thing to anyone who is about to have surgery.  It's a walk down memory lane too.  My best friend died in 2005 from leukemia and I struggled with the decision to throw away a blouse that she gave me.  But I eventually was able to do it and felt like she would want me to do it.  The blouse doesn't represent our friendship.  I still have our memories together.

And the beat goes on....

I am so much a procrastinator and have already bought 3 pairs of new PJs and today I saw my calcium citrate at the Comissary for $4.99 and bought the 3 remaining boxes and some Scooby Doo vitamins.  Thank God for the Comissary...it's a matter of $10 difference for the Calcium alone.  

I guess I'm doing advance preparation because my husband won't be here for the surgery.  That will be a weird thing.  I am just imagining the roller coaster ride of emotions the morning of surgery.  I don't call my Dad anymore because he doesn't bother to call me or send cards or just to say Hi.  And the rejection is harder to accept than not talking to him.  My mom passed away 6 years ago on the day of my surgery.  So I'll have my son, my adopted mom, my pastor and lots of friends praying for me.  I know I'll be ok!

My son is 19 and I get so ticked off at him.  I am trying to keep the house clean so that I won't have a massive clean to do before my surgery and I don't want to come home to a dirty house.  He just doesn't seem to want to do anything.  I told him today that he should move out because he doesn't help at all and I don't see him sometimes for days.  I hate cleaning house but I don't like it messy either.  I feel almost like I am nesting.  Lots of changes ahead of me.

I've done so much better on my eating habits.  Fast food has almost been banned from my diet.  I've switched from Sausage Egg and Cheese McMuffin meal to a large coffee and the fruit and yogurt parfait 1-2X per week.  For lunch, I've been eating Subway or Healthy Choice meals, and for dinner, really making good choices.  It would be awesome to drop a few pounds before surgery!  I am going to make my husband Thanksgiving dinner next weekend before he leaves for Wichita Falls for 4.5 months.  That's going to suck!

Did you ever just feel like the food wasn't moving in your stomach and it was just sitting in there rotting?  These posts always seem to have the most personal information and I haven't even had surgery yet.  I was nauseus all weekend and couldn't even enjoy being in Biloxi with my husband.  I learned from that though.  Stomach doesn't feel good...don't eat.  Amazing the things your body will tell you!

So now I am sitting at less than a month away from surgery and I don't know what to feel.  I am excited and nervous and anxious and peaceful all at the same time.  I know that doesn't make sense, but it's a weird feeling.  I looked at all the supplements at GNC this weekend and they definitely aren't the place to buy them!

Seems like 1 month is so long away, but I think back to the beginning of this journey and it was such a long time ago that 1 month will go by fast! 

When Jan finally called today and gave me my surgery date, I immediately remembered that was the day my mom died in 2001.  Jan was very sensitive and asked if I wanted to move it, but the only significance to that date is that she left this earth and went to be with Jesus.  Of course I lost my mom, but it's just a date to me.  I don't ever really think about the day she died anymore.  I think about her on holidays and her birthday and special occaisions like when my son graduated.

What a whirlwind of emotions this afternoon.  I called my husband and gave him the news and started crying.  He thought I was scared, but I was really just relieved!  It's been a long time coming.  I thought about my pastor who has been battling shingles for several years and how he won't be able to come to the hospital to pray with me, but I'm sure that he'll make it a point to call before I go in to surgery.

I love attention so I am looking forward to the visits in the hospital from my friends!  I already bought 3 new pairs of PJ's for the hospital and was going to wait to open them up, but I just couldn't do it.

I am actually going to try and loose a few pounds before the surgery.  I'd like to be under 300 pounds before 2008 and that's going to be a stretch with a 11/7 surgery date.

One big bummer is that my husband won't be here for the surgery.  He leaves for Wichita Falls for school on 10/25.    He'll really be able to see the changes in me every month when we see each other!  How exciting!

The journey is just beginning...