Headgames

Jul 27, 2013

Last year I went on the Dr. Poon diet. It's OHIP approved, and was recommended to me by my doctor when I went to him with frustration at my lack of success in losing weight. I started in February and lost 15lbs in the first two weeks. All water of course, but it felt good. By July I had lost 70 lbs. Of course the entire time I was eating nothing but spinach and chicken, ranch dressing and the occasional egg. I cheated of course, got popcorn at the movies, ate salads with colourful veggies when I was out, but for the most part I actually did eat nothing but chicken and spinach for seven months. That isn't the diet, you are allowed to eat more than that I am a slave to simplicity and routine, and hate cooking. I could throw chicken in the oven, put some on top of some spinach and be done with it. No chopping, no steaming, etc etc. I really am the laziest person in the kitchen. But the entire basis of phase one was that you could only eat lean protein and green veggies - no colour. No dairy at all. Egg whites were allowed, and I think two egg yolks a week. I was on phase one the entire time I was going to the clinic and it was awful. I kept asking when I'd get to move up, and they'd always say, "Let's look at where you are two weeks from now."

Anyway, in July my Nana got sick and by the end of August she had died. It was short, but painful, and there was non-stop family drama surrounding the whole ordeal for two months. Needless to say I fell right off the Dr Poon wagon, and by December I had gained back those 70 lbs lost. I think I gained about 40lbs from July to August. I was downing boxes of donuts, eating McDonald's twice a day. I just lost my mind a bit, and binged like there was no tomorrow. When I finally woke up from everything, it was Christmas and I was right back at the same spot I was the Christmas before - the Christmas that spurred me to go to the doctor out of frustration in the first place. Right back where I started. Then I added another 10lbs, then another 10 more and suddenly I was at a scary weight, one I had never even imagined it would be possible to get to. I tried going to the gym to no avail, I was still eating junk. Sometimes I'd go to the gym and come home and eat a box of Kraft Dinner or cookies or something. Just nuts. But I haven't been able to get my head back in to that place of determination and focus like when I was doing Dr. Poon. I try and do the diet, even thought I know it's not healthy and not realistic, but just to try and get some pounds off so I can stop feeling so disgusted by myself, but I practically gag eating spinach and chicken now. 

Anyway. Then came the time when I finally decided it was time for surgery, and looked in to it enough to fully understand the risks and benefits, and that it was possible for me to do. And now I'm on the path to surgery, and still feeling in that stuck place. I know I need to eat better, but it's like there is a monster in my head who takes over when I have any kind of emotion that feels like too much - anxiety is the biggest one, but sadness, loneliness, boredom. It's so hard to control. It's like I go in to a trance and just eat. When I wake up, oh gee, that entire pizza is gone. It's hard to use CBT, just like it was hard to use it in regards to my anxiety issues, but I have to try and do it. I have to try and catch the monster before it busts down the mental doors and locks I put in front of it. It seems like there is no "mental door" strong enough to keep it out - I guess that is the nature of addiction.

I just have to keep trying. It feels good to have this written out.

0 Comments

About Me
Georgetown, XX
Location
48.1
BMI
RNY
Surgery
10/18/2013
Surgery Date
May 15, 2013
Member Since

Friends 42

Latest Blog 8

×