i am ready.

Jan 19, 2013

I just realized something astounding.  I am absolutely ready for this surgery.  Before this moment, I've been propelling myself along on the momentum of what ifs, being pretty sure I wanted this, and feeling like it was my my only hope.  I got brave tonight.  I looked through all of my photos from my last significant weight loss.  I was so happy.  My smile was genuine.  I realize now I was smaller than I thought I was.  I mean, by the world's standards, I was still a very big girl, but I had lost 120 pounds and by comparison, I was looking fantastic.  It's funny... the thing that hit me the hardest just now was looking at my skin in one of the photos.  The skin on my face was absolutely glowing and fresh looking.  I rarely look in the mirror anymore, and when I do, it's usually because I get stuck staring at my face in the bathroom mirror.  My skin is so dull.  It's aging.  I look twenty years older than I am.  I look tired.  I look... exactly how I feel.  Dead.  Seeing the flush of life and happiness and freedom in the picture solidified for me that this is absolutely what I want.  The fears will still be there, but I know for certain now that I am making the right decision.  I want my life back.  I want the life I've never even gotten to live.  It's sixteen days until my new birthday.  Let's do this!

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