KCMusician
I must break up with my eating disorder/food addiction.
Feb 09, 2009
My counselor gave me an assignment to write a letter to sever ties with my eating disorder/food addiction. It has taken me several years of counseling to get to the point where I can honestly write this letter. Even now, it was difficult. This was my way of honestly acknoledging the purpose my eating disorder has in my life while also becomming aware of the ill effects.
12/31/08
To my eating disorder/food addiction,
You have been with me since I was young, but I never understood who you were until recently. You were in my life as my soother, protector, and friend. Starting today, I will know you only in my past.
When I was stressed, unhappy, lonely, or weak, you were there to soothe me. I needed this as an insecure teenager who never seemed to fit in and who felt continually criticized and judged by others. I needed this when I went to college, struggling to prove that I could make it on my own and to feel like I was accepted by others. I needed you when I started a new career in a new state without friends and family. Teaching was scary for a shy and perfectionistic Amy. I was continually being criticized by teenagers, parents, and administration. During these painful times, you rocked and cradled me as a mother cradles her newborn. Eventually after spending time with you and binging, I would feel numb and strong enough to face a new day. Without you, I would have had to face my feelings of insecurity and admit that I was not perfect. I was not ready to do this at the time. Your soothing prevented me from having a total meltdown. Without you, I would have never been able to persevere and become the successful teacher I am today.
When my weight began to affect my health and limit my life activities, you served as my protector, protecting me from feelings of guilt. I heard you speak to me. You said it wasn’t my fault. It was you who said that I was perfectly healthy. You told me that no one can notice my weight gain. You convinced me that 50 pounds was only 5 pounds. You helped me to ignore the fact that I gained over 100 pounds in a year. You said that the garbage I was putting in my mouth had no ill health effects, that the doctors just didn’t understand that my weight was caused by forces outside my control, and that I had plenty of time to lose weight and get the life I dreamed about. I now know all of this was a lie, but you had to lie to me in order to protect me from the pain of feeling like a failure and from being paralyzed by my guilt. At that time, I wasn’t strong enough to hear the truth, so I must thank you for protecting me with your lies.
Finally, you were my friend. When the excess weight increased to the point that I was no longer able to participate in social activities with other people (i.e. amusement park rides, airplane travel, physical activities), you convinced me to pull away from others. Dating was also completely out of the picture. It was you who encouraged me to not open up and get close to **** who I had dated for 2 years. You said he might reject me. Of course, when I couldn’t let him into my life, the relationship ended. You then told me that I was too fat and self-conscious to attract other men. So when I was feeling rejected, you served as my friend. My binges comforted and numbed me to my feelings. You spoke to me and told me that I had plenty of time to start a relationship and get married. Over the years, the pounds you put on my body made me stop trying to put myself into dating situations. This helped me to feel less rejection until I was finally numb to the idea of ever getting married. So now that I was alone, feeling like the whole world was moving on without me, you were the only friend who was left. We spent hours in the car together, driving through fast food drive-thrus and renting movies. I remember spending whole weekends with you on the couch, watching movies, napping, and eating. In order for me to avoid my feelings, you convinced me to remove myself from scary situations where I might meet a human friend. As a friend you knew that I was not capable of handling these risks.
That was then. However, today is a new day. Today I know that the cost of having you in my life is more than I am willing to pay. In the past, you have served me well, but now I want to be free. I need to be free from the control you have over my eating. I need to be free from the control you have over my mind. I need to be free from your constant criticism, manipulation, and lies. I know life without you will be painful. I will feel rejection from others. I will hurt. I will realize I am lonely. I will become angry and frustrated. I will feel like a victim. I will feel the consequences of spending over 20 years with you as the center of my life. On the other hand, I will also begin to feel real joy and to enjoy the intimacy of good friends. I will become healthier and stronger, both physically and emotionally. I will learn to cope without your support. I will learn to love and respect myself. I will be courageous and adventurous. Even though leaving you will be painful, I must separate from you now, while at least a small piece of my true self is still alive.
In closing, I am officially saying good bye. We can no longer be life partners. My relationship with you is over. I know from time to time life without you may be so hard that I will begin to flirt with you. I may hear you when I feel weak; I may drive through our old stomping grounds to reminisce about old times. I may flirt with you, but hear me clearly now. DO NOT take this momentary weakness on my part as a sign of our reconciliation. You are no longer welcome in my home, you are no longer welcome in my car, and you are no longer welcome in my life. I know you are laughing now and thinking that I am not strong enough to live without you. You may even be planning an attack on me. Let me respond to you by saying that I have filed a restraining order against you. You are being replaced by my counselors, nutritionist, doctors, group members, friends, and family. They are now my security detail. They will zap you whenever you approach me. With their love and support, I am strong enough to live without you. I (my true self) will survive, Amy
1 comment
12/31/08
To my eating disorder/food addiction,
You have been with me since I was young, but I never understood who you were until recently. You were in my life as my soother, protector, and friend. Starting today, I will know you only in my past.
When I was stressed, unhappy, lonely, or weak, you were there to soothe me. I needed this as an insecure teenager who never seemed to fit in and who felt continually criticized and judged by others. I needed this when I went to college, struggling to prove that I could make it on my own and to feel like I was accepted by others. I needed you when I started a new career in a new state without friends and family. Teaching was scary for a shy and perfectionistic Amy. I was continually being criticized by teenagers, parents, and administration. During these painful times, you rocked and cradled me as a mother cradles her newborn. Eventually after spending time with you and binging, I would feel numb and strong enough to face a new day. Without you, I would have had to face my feelings of insecurity and admit that I was not perfect. I was not ready to do this at the time. Your soothing prevented me from having a total meltdown. Without you, I would have never been able to persevere and become the successful teacher I am today.
When my weight began to affect my health and limit my life activities, you served as my protector, protecting me from feelings of guilt. I heard you speak to me. You said it wasn’t my fault. It was you who said that I was perfectly healthy. You told me that no one can notice my weight gain. You convinced me that 50 pounds was only 5 pounds. You helped me to ignore the fact that I gained over 100 pounds in a year. You said that the garbage I was putting in my mouth had no ill health effects, that the doctors just didn’t understand that my weight was caused by forces outside my control, and that I had plenty of time to lose weight and get the life I dreamed about. I now know all of this was a lie, but you had to lie to me in order to protect me from the pain of feeling like a failure and from being paralyzed by my guilt. At that time, I wasn’t strong enough to hear the truth, so I must thank you for protecting me with your lies.
Finally, you were my friend. When the excess weight increased to the point that I was no longer able to participate in social activities with other people (i.e. amusement park rides, airplane travel, physical activities), you convinced me to pull away from others. Dating was also completely out of the picture. It was you who encouraged me to not open up and get close to **** who I had dated for 2 years. You said he might reject me. Of course, when I couldn’t let him into my life, the relationship ended. You then told me that I was too fat and self-conscious to attract other men. So when I was feeling rejected, you served as my friend. My binges comforted and numbed me to my feelings. You spoke to me and told me that I had plenty of time to start a relationship and get married. Over the years, the pounds you put on my body made me stop trying to put myself into dating situations. This helped me to feel less rejection until I was finally numb to the idea of ever getting married. So now that I was alone, feeling like the whole world was moving on without me, you were the only friend who was left. We spent hours in the car together, driving through fast food drive-thrus and renting movies. I remember spending whole weekends with you on the couch, watching movies, napping, and eating. In order for me to avoid my feelings, you convinced me to remove myself from scary situations where I might meet a human friend. As a friend you knew that I was not capable of handling these risks.
That was then. However, today is a new day. Today I know that the cost of having you in my life is more than I am willing to pay. In the past, you have served me well, but now I want to be free. I need to be free from the control you have over my eating. I need to be free from the control you have over my mind. I need to be free from your constant criticism, manipulation, and lies. I know life without you will be painful. I will feel rejection from others. I will hurt. I will realize I am lonely. I will become angry and frustrated. I will feel like a victim. I will feel the consequences of spending over 20 years with you as the center of my life. On the other hand, I will also begin to feel real joy and to enjoy the intimacy of good friends. I will become healthier and stronger, both physically and emotionally. I will learn to cope without your support. I will learn to love and respect myself. I will be courageous and adventurous. Even though leaving you will be painful, I must separate from you now, while at least a small piece of my true self is still alive.
In closing, I am officially saying good bye. We can no longer be life partners. My relationship with you is over. I know from time to time life without you may be so hard that I will begin to flirt with you. I may hear you when I feel weak; I may drive through our old stomping grounds to reminisce about old times. I may flirt with you, but hear me clearly now. DO NOT take this momentary weakness on my part as a sign of our reconciliation. You are no longer welcome in my home, you are no longer welcome in my car, and you are no longer welcome in my life. I know you are laughing now and thinking that I am not strong enough to live without you. You may even be planning an attack on me. Let me respond to you by saying that I have filed a restraining order against you. You are being replaced by my counselors, nutritionist, doctors, group members, friends, and family. They are now my security detail. They will zap you whenever you approach me. With their love and support, I am strong enough to live without you. I (my true self) will survive, Amy
I Know the Truth
Feb 09, 2009
The following are song lyrics from the musical Aida and a journal entry from 2006. When I first heard theses lyrics, I was near my highest weight and was feeling very desperate and out of control. These lyrics helped me to see my own truth. To me, these lyrics and journal entry represent the beginning of my journey. I didn't know it at the time, but it would take me 2 years to begin my path to a better life.
I Know the Truth
How have I come to this? How did I slip and fall? How did I throw half a lifetime away, Without any thought at all? This should have been my time. It’s over-it never began. I closed my eyes to so much for so long, And I no longer can. I tried to blame it on fortune, Some kind of shift in the stars, But I know the truth and it haunts me. It’s flown just a little too far. I know the truth and it mocks me. I know the truth and it shocks me. It’s flown just a little too far. Why do I want it still? Why when there’s nothing there? How to go on with the rest of my life, To pretend I don’t care. This should have been my time. It’s over - it never began. I closed my eyes to so much for so long, And I no longer can. I tried to blame it on fortune. Some kind of twist in my fate. But I know the truth and it haunts me, I learned it a little too late. Oh I know the truth and it mocks me. I know the truth and it shocks me. I learned it …a little…too late, Too late.
My truth - I destroyed my body by eating. I have limited my life choices by choosing food over emotion. I am not a victim. I am the one responsible for destroying life options and for lying to myself. In the past, I blamed my failures on fortune (family genes and poor metabolism.) I remained blind to my truth for years. I told myself that eating was not affecting me. It was OK. I could over eat and have a good life. Now that I know the truth, the truth haunts me and mocks me. The life I could have had haunts and mocks me. (I could have done different. I should have done different.) Even now that I know the truth, I still want to live in a life of overeating, even though it has nothing healthy to offer me. I still want the protection of food, even though it is destroying me. I still want to hide from that which is uncomfortable, even though there is nothing positive in that life. I was blind to the truth for so long, but now that I know the truth, I am angry at myself for allowing my life to turn out this way and for allowing myself to continue to be haunted by my poor choices. I pray that some day, I will be strong enough and wise enough to make the right choice.
0 comments
I Know the Truth
How have I come to this? How did I slip and fall? How did I throw half a lifetime away, Without any thought at all? This should have been my time. It’s over-it never began. I closed my eyes to so much for so long, And I no longer can. I tried to blame it on fortune, Some kind of shift in the stars, But I know the truth and it haunts me. It’s flown just a little too far. I know the truth and it mocks me. I know the truth and it shocks me. It’s flown just a little too far. Why do I want it still? Why when there’s nothing there? How to go on with the rest of my life, To pretend I don’t care. This should have been my time. It’s over - it never began. I closed my eyes to so much for so long, And I no longer can. I tried to blame it on fortune. Some kind of twist in my fate. But I know the truth and it haunts me, I learned it a little too late. Oh I know the truth and it mocks me. I know the truth and it shocks me. I learned it …a little…too late, Too late.
My truth - I destroyed my body by eating. I have limited my life choices by choosing food over emotion. I am not a victim. I am the one responsible for destroying life options and for lying to myself. In the past, I blamed my failures on fortune (family genes and poor metabolism.) I remained blind to my truth for years. I told myself that eating was not affecting me. It was OK. I could over eat and have a good life. Now that I know the truth, the truth haunts me and mocks me. The life I could have had haunts and mocks me. (I could have done different. I should have done different.) Even now that I know the truth, I still want to live in a life of overeating, even though it has nothing healthy to offer me. I still want the protection of food, even though it is destroying me. I still want to hide from that which is uncomfortable, even though there is nothing positive in that life. I was blind to the truth for so long, but now that I know the truth, I am angry at myself for allowing my life to turn out this way and for allowing myself to continue to be haunted by my poor choices. I pray that some day, I will be strong enough and wise enough to make the right choice.
About Me
Overland Park, KS
Location
40.6
BMI
Surgery
11/24/2008
Surgery Date
Dec 06, 2008
Member Since