I must break up with my eating disorder/food addiction.

Feb 09, 2009

My counselor gave me an assignment to write a letter to sever ties with my eating disorder/food addiction.  It has taken me several years of counseling to get to the point where I can honestly write this letter.  Even now, it was difficult.  This was my way of honestly acknoledging the purpose my eating disorder has in my life while also becomming aware of the ill effects.

                                                                                                            12/31/08
To my eating disorder/food addiction,              

You have been with me since I was young, but I never understood who you were until recently. You were in my life as my soother, protector, and friend. Starting today, I will know you only in my past.               

When I was stressed, unhappy, lonely, or weak, you were there to soothe me. I needed this as an insecure teenager who never seemed to fit in and who felt continually criticized and judged by others. I needed this when I went to college, struggling to prove that I could make it on my own and to feel like I was accepted by others. I needed you when I started a new career in a new state without friends and family. Teaching was scary for a shy and perfectionistic Amy. I was continually being criticized by teenagers, parents, and administration.   During these painful times, you rocked and cradled me as a mother cradles her newborn. Eventually after spending time with you and binging, I would feel numb and strong enough to face a new day. Without you, I would have had to face my feelings of insecurity and admit that I was not perfect. I was not ready to do this at the time. Your soothing prevented me from having a total meltdown.  Without you, I would have never been able to persevere and become the successful teacher I am today.              

When my weight began to affect my health and limit my life activities, you served as my protector, protecting me from feelings of guilt. I heard you speak to me. You said it wasn’t my fault. It was you who said that I was perfectly healthy. You told me that no one can notice my weight gain. You convinced me that 50 pounds was only 5 pounds. You helped me to ignore the fact that I gained over 100 pounds in a year. You said that the garbage I was putting in my mouth had no ill health effects, that the doctors just didn’t understand that my weight was caused by forces outside my control, and that I had plenty of time to lose weight and get the life I dreamed about. I now know all of this was a lie, but you had to lie to me in order to protect me from the pain of feeling like a failure and from being paralyzed by my guilt. At that time, I wasn’t strong enough to hear the truth, so I must thank you for protecting me with your lies.              

Finally, you were my friend. When the excess weight increased to the point that I was no longer able to participate in social activities with other people (i.e. amusement park rides, airplane travel, physical activities), you convinced me to pull away from others. Dating was also completely out of the picture. It was you who encouraged me to not open up and get close to **** who I had dated for 2 years. You said he might reject me. Of course, when I couldn’t let him into my life, the relationship ended. You then told me that I was too fat and self-conscious to attract other men. So when I was feeling rejected, you served as my friend. My binges comforted and numbed me to my feelings. You spoke to me and told me that I had plenty of time to start a relationship and get married. Over the years, the pounds you put on my body made me stop trying to put myself into dating situations. This helped me to feel less rejection until I was finally numb to the idea of ever getting married. So now that I was alone, feeling like the whole world was moving on without me, you were the only friend who was left. We spent hours in the car together, driving through fast food drive-thrus and renting movies. I remember spending whole weekends with you on the couch, watching movies, napping, and eating. In order for me to avoid my feelings, you convinced me to remove myself from scary situations where I might meet a human friend. As a friend you knew that I was not capable of handling these risks.               

That was then. However, today is a new day. Today I know that the cost of having you in my life is more than I am willing to pay. In the past, you have served me well, but now I want to be free. I need to be free from the control you have over my eating. I need to be free from the control you have over my mind. I need to be free from your constant criticism, manipulation, and lies. I know life without you will be painful. I will feel rejection from others. I will hurt. I will realize I am lonely. I will become angry and frustrated. I will feel like a victim. I will feel the consequences of spending over 20 years with you as the center of my life. On the other hand, I will also begin to feel real joy and to enjoy the intimacy of good friends. I will become healthier and stronger, both physically and emotionally. I will learn to cope without your support. I will learn to love and respect myself. I will be courageous and adventurous. Even though leaving you will be painful, I must separate from you now, while at least a small piece of my true self is still alive.                        

In closing, I am officially saying good bye. We can no longer be life partners. My relationship with you is over. I know from time to time life without you may be so hard that I will begin to flirt with you. I may hear you when I feel weak; I may drive through our old stomping grounds to reminisce about old times. I may flirt with you, but hear me clearly now. DO NOT take this momentary weakness on my part as a sign of our reconciliation. You are no longer welcome in my home, you are no longer welcome in my car, and you are no longer welcome in my life. I know you are laughing now and thinking that I am not strong enough to live without you.   You may even be planning an attack on me. Let me respond to you by saying that I have filed a restraining order against you. You are being replaced by my counselors, nutritionist, doctors, group members, friends, and family. They are now my security detail. They will zap you whenever you approach me. With their love and support, I am strong enough to live without you.                                                                           I (my true self) will survive,                                                                                                             Amy 

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