kenINindy
I'm doing it my way.....
I hear it all the time...."You're having WHAT? Gastric bypass?! You're not fat enough for that!! You have huge shoulders! You just have a gut." It seems to be the curse of living in the fat state of Indiana. It's so prevalent here that most people aren't able to recognize morbid obesity for what it is.
BUT I CAN.
I'm ready to face it. I'm not just "heavy-set" or "Big and strong" or "Big boned, built big, robust, chubby, chunky" or a thousand other euphamisms. I am morbidly obese and at 36 years old I feel like I'm looking down the barrel of a gun. I am a registered nurse and I know what will become of me without major intervention. Most people do not recognize that carrying 110 extra pounds is killing me.
BUT I DO.
I feel it in my aching knees, my high cholesterol, my hypertension, my type 2 diabetes, my racing heart rate just from turning over in bed. I see it from my lack of interest in things I used to care a lot about because I just don't have the energy or strength to do them anymore.
I see in from the perspective of working out three times a week cardio and weights from July to November of 2006 and seeing only the most minute change in weight. (Funny what works in your twenties stabs you in the back in your late thirties!)
I see it in the rivulets of sweat pouring from my face when I have had to rush somewhere on a business trip. I see in the faces of my colleagues who kindly try not to notice. I see it in the fact I have to mail order clothing, jam my girth into airplane seats, pant during sex (for the wrong reasons!), and test chairs before I sit.
So...I'm having the surgery.
I have always listened carefully to the feedback of others, sometimes to my own detriment. I am doing this for me, making this one change that hopefully will cascade into countless others. I have the support of my partner and several family members and friends. My parents and the others who think it's a bad idea? They probably shouldn't have the surgery.
How did I get here?
It's a complicated road, but it basically stems from an environment where being BIG was good, small was bad, a boy who ate everything he could get his hands on was rewarded. When too much of a good thing led to me being too fat, the enforced diets started, and things progressively got worse, and here I am.
So I had a bad start. I was a toy and I wasn't treated with the respect that a child needs. I wasn't exactly taught what was good and bad about eating and I'm a little pissed about that. I was kind of just allowed to do my own thing until I was too fat, then I was basically shunned and punished for being fat, for being gay, for being not what was expected at all. The same thing basically happened with school. No one ever taught me to do homework or study or make sure that I had the tools I needed to succeed. But I did anyway. I did it my way.
I built my own nice life around the smartest, most loving people I could find. I still consider my partner, his family, some family members and friends my real family. I put myself through school (I'm the only on in my entire family to graduate college. Some don't make it through high school). I built a career. I have an incredibly strong relationship of 10 years, and honest to god I am genuinely pretty happy with life. I want to stop abusing food. This is my goal.
I am fat because I learned that abusing food works wonders (for the moment). I currently use it to de-escalate feelings. I use it to stuff down emotions, to satiate, to sedate, to soothe and comfort. I use it at a much a deeper level than I ever did cigarettes. My 17 year smoking history (quit 2 years ago, YAY ME!!) feels like just a drop in the bucket compared to the way I abuse food. I am going to see a therapist who specializes in emotional eating as well as have Roux en Y. I quit smoking, but I am always going to be a nicotine addict. I can quit overeating but I will always be a food addict. I am looking forward to talking to someone about it in person. Mostly I keep this kind of thing quiet!
Thanks a lot for reading all this. Say Hi and wish me luck! It feels good just to type it out.
