Keren F.

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Yay! First of all, since my last entry: another 3 lbs gone - hooray!
Also, I'm going back to work next week (yeah, I know... I took a ton of time off, not all exactly by choice, but that's show biz for ya), ironically, though health-wise I probably could have returned to work almost month ago,( just didn't really want too),  now that I'm going back on Monday, I managed to get some kind of mild flu-like thing... super sore throat, swollen glands, and general ickiness feeling. I hope I'm not still feeling sick on Sunday, because that's my birthday and would, therefore, suck.
But wait! That's not what I wanted to talk about at all!

Ok, ok, ok, ok - check this out:

So a couple of days ago, I was going to go visit some friends, and was trying to find something to wear. I decided on a whim, so try on my other, not on the large side nor stretch fabric, size 20 jeans, which I've been waiting to fit into. My jaw dropped when I not only fit into them comfortably, but they were actually loose! I couldn't believe it! So I took them off and went rummaging around my cabinet for the size 18s, and OMG!!! They fit perfectly! I haven't worn those in.... I don't even know how long. A couple of years at least! And again, these are true to size, non stretch, non lane bryant jeans. I am so happy! I keep thinking about how hard it was to manage to close my size 22 pants before I started all this... But I refused to go out and buy a bigger size. I promised myself that this was where is stopped. Goodbye all my size 20 and up pants - your service is no longer required.

I think this weekend I'll go through my storage stuff in the garage, see if I can dig up some size 16's for the next step. Tee hee hee...

I am happy and proud to say that I hereby declare my plateau OVER.
I lost another 2 lbs (total of 5 this week, I think). It's happening!
I've been going to the gym and working out like crazy, I think every muscle in my body has been sore for the last few days...
I believe that's my secret, build and maintain muscle. Even more than cardio, maybe. That way, I'm making sure my body eats the fat, and not the stuff I want to keep. Plus, it makes everything else easier, and I get to feel strong. I actually find those workouts a lot more satisfying. I get so bored just doing 30 minutes on an eliptical... even when I'm reading a book, or listening to music. I'd rather go hiking, at least there's something stimulating about that. One day I hope to go for runs and bike rides.
As of this morning, I am 249 lbs!!!!
You know what that means? That means I'm closer to 200 than to 300 lbs! Onederland - I'm on my way!
Kind of crazy when I think about how close I was to hitting 300 before I began the liquid pre-op diet,,,
I am very excited about this. :)

P.S. 4 more pounds, and I can stop taking my blood pressure meds! (though, I think I can probably stop already, it was actually LOW last week when I went for my follow up, but I'm going to listen to my doctor and do what she asked...)

Hey,

So I'm feeling kind of blah the last couple of days. I can always tell I'm falling into depression before I actually feel it, because my place gets very messy, like I just don't care. So sure enough... But maybe this time it's a bit of the chicken preceding the egg? I don't know.

I just kind of didn't feel like logging all the food and supplements yesterday, then I had (another) incredibly idiotic fight with my friend C, who is also an ex boyfriend (though we've been friends way way longer than we ever dated), and same as every time that happens, I ask myself why the heck we are still friends, when it's clearly such a dysfunctional kind of a relationship. I didn't exercise - I just had kind of a rotten off the wagon type of day yesterday. Somehow, I managed to eat an entire row of saltine crackers. How did that happen? Which brings me to another topic: I finally started to lose a little weight this week, after hitting a plateau since the surgery three weeks ago. But I'm a little concerned because I seem to still be able to eat way more than I was told I'd be able too. So if I watch it, and log everything, that's fine, I manage, and it's fine, but what happens when I don't? When I feel like pigging out? I mean... clearly, I cannot eat the same amounts that I used to, but still - I can definitely do more than the 4oz I was told would be my limit. Why is that? I hope it won't be a problem. I feel my relationship to eating and food is changing a great deal these days, but you know, old habits die hard, and when I am upset, or feel down, and feel like I just don't care, that's when I turn to self sabotage. I'm just saying... I think they made my pouch bigger than they said they would. But at least I'm not going through any complications, and am still able to eat really small meals and feel ok, so I should just be thankful I'm not throwing up daily or something like that.

I'm right now trying to push myself to go for a walk. I'm still upset about that fight, just needed to vent a little bit, I guess.
I'm glad I don't have to go back to work for another two weeks (I don't like my boss, and am trying to muster up the guts to quit that job), but I need to feel more useful, and get out of the house. Next week will be better, since a few friends will be done with school and have time to hang out and do stuff.

Anyway, just thinking on "paper"... Hope everybody's doing well.

K.

Hi all,

I'm back home - with my new baby stomach! Surgery went well, and though the first day I was pretty out of it (something my sister has been poking fun at since - gotta love the fam, eh?) by the second day I was feeling much better and had significantly reduced pain and nausea. So on the morning of day 3, they decided to send me home - yay!
I have to say the nurses and staff at St. Joseph's were all so wonderful, really top notch, and cool folks. Having my 5 year old niece stick around and go on my walks with me probably help charm folks as well and break the ice with most people... :)
At one point, this woman started chasing me down the hall, and asked me what kind of surgery I had had, I told her it was a Gastric Bypass, she asked about my doctor, and then told me she had had the same surgery by the same doctor 7 years ago. She was there visiting her sister and saw me walk down the hall and decided she had to talk to me and give me some encouragement. She looked AMAZING! Thin, fit, she was wearing a sleeveless top, so I could see her skin was tight, and the best part was - she was the same age I am now when she had her surgery, she had to lose more than I do, and she never had to have any plastic surgery, she said she just worked out a lot and kept doing strength training. That meeting was so inspiring for me! Really cheered me up. Thanks Melanie - wherever you are!
I weighed myself this morning, and it looks like I've lost almost 30 lbs since I started this whole process (I was 255, which was so cool because the 70's and 60's went by so fast, I barely got to see them on the scale!!). My "can't really close anymore" pants are now loose, and perfect for wearing even over my staples which come out in about 10 days. I am feeling very encouraged. I'm still very tired all the time, and can't really do too much running around before I have to rest, but I expected that, and I know it will get better as long as I make sure to eat and drink properly and get enough exercise.
I know I've been "thank you" crazed lately, but I just can't help it, I am just so truly grateful to everyone who has been cheering me on and supporting my efforts. I never expected this, and it's lifting my spirits more than I can say. So thank you again for being a part of this, I can not do this without you, look how far we've come already, and this is just the beginning!!
Love,
K.

So uh, I went to get my pre-op physical yesterday, you know, the blood & urine samples, deep breath, say "ahhhhh", all that stuff.
My doc's already called me twice today! Just feels weird when the doctor calls YOU. Like: "what do you want? Why are you calling me at work, or worse - after business hours! Am I dying or something?".
Well, the good news is: I'm not dying (yet). Hooray!
The less good news is, I seem to have a vitamin D deficiency. This kinda makes sense, I guess, considering I've spent the better part of the last 13 years in a sound proof bunker (AKA, recording studio / sound editing room) with no natural light, and the most common source of vitamin D is exposure to sunlight, but come on! Really?! I even take a multi vitamin every day! Argh.
They'd better not postpone my surgery over this! I'll be crushed. Just crushed. It's already evening, so I won't be able to talk to the surgeon's office until tomorrow.
Hopefully it's not as big a deal and she made it sound... crossing my fingers.

Quick note:
Just woke up, it's exactly a week since I started the liquid diet, and the scale is exactly 10lbs lighter - woohoo!!! I'm so proud of myself.
TV On The Radio concert tonight - yay!!!! I'm so excited to see these guys, hands down my favorite band these days.
Feeling GREAT.

Hey!

So guess what?? This liquid diet is SO not as hard as I thought it would be!!
First of all, I got this wonderful idea two days before I was scheduled to start it, because it suddenly hit me: "Wow, tomorrow night at dinner is the last time I will ever be able to eat what ever and how ever much I want to without worry FOREVER!". It kind of freaked me out, so I decided since it is such a special occasion, I'd rather go through it with a friend than alone in front of the TV... I wanted to toast my last meal, toast my new beginning, toast myself for good luck.
I called up one friend, and pretty soon I was organizing a dinner party dubbed "The Last Supper" with all my close friends - they were all so supportive and excited that I wanted to share that occasion with them. I chose a restaurant with the most decadent chocolate cake I know (hehe, figured - if I have to give up chocolate cake, I'm going out in a blaze of glory!), and we all met there for dinner - it was so much fun, and gave me a lot of strength to face the next day.
Also, since everybody was brought in to the process by being there - everybody has been calling to check up on me and see how it's going, which has been really nice and helps keep me focused on my goal.
And you know... I'm totally making it work!
The first day was very hard, but I just drank a ton of water, and didn't even bother counting calories, just wanted to make it through the day without eating any solids. Every time I felt sorry for myself, I thought about the evening before, and the fact that I closed that chapter of my life properly. I have no reason to feel deprived or like I missed out on something, because I wasn't, and I didn't. And lo and behold: I made it!
On day two, I woke up, feeling so proud of myself for having survived that first day! I stepped on the scale, and guess what? I was 6 lbs lighter!!!
6!!
Sure, some of that was because when I weighed myself the morning before (for the first time in months!), I had had a HUGE meal the night before, but so what? It was still 6lbs! Motivated by that, and also by the pride of having made it through the day before without cheating at all, I was determined to make it through day 2. It was pretty easy, until the evening, when I started going crazy. So I just had as much of the unlimited stuff as I could stand, and finally went to bed. I also noticed I was kind of head-achy and more fatigued than normal. I think that's because of the reduced caloric intake.
Day 3 - lost another 2lbs!!  Wow! day 3 was MUCH easier, I guess I was getting used to it.

I am just wrapping up day 5, as of this morning, I've lost 9lbs. yesterday and today I've been feeling pretty normal  as far as the fatigue goes, so today I added exercise for the first time. I took my ipod & my dog on a 2 mile brisk walk, and then got home and did some crunches and a bit of weight training. I never liked walking around outside with headphones on before, but I am pretty impressed at how the music keeps my pace up and also makes the walk feel shorter. I'm going to try and actually make it to the gym tomorrow (hehe, yeah, the one I've visited exactly twice since January)... I really want to try and get in as much exercise as I can before the big day. Besides, these 9 pounds I've lost, may not seem like much in the grand scheme of things, but a week ago, the mere thought of a 2 mile walk gave me lower back pain, but now I'm feeling so much better - it's pretty amazing. I can actually suck in my stomach for the first time in ages.

I've been logging everything I eat on this awesome website called fitday.com to track my calories (trying to stay around 1000 a day). The site is free, and super easy & helpful to monitor with. I'm loving watching the weight graph point sharply down... I think this is the first time in my life I'm actually self motivated to journal my food intake. it always seemed like this hated chore given by a well meaning professional. Like homework or something. Now I'm doing it for myself, nobody looks at it but me, it's just a tool I'm using, so there's no little voice in the back of my mind going: "cheat! cheat! don't let them get away with telling you what to do!". Yes. I have a rebellious personality. It's not always such a good thing.

Another thing I am learning from this liquid diet, that I am thankful for is: I can do this!
A few weeks ago, it suddenly hit me - OMG! It's real! It's really going to happen. And that kind of freaked me out. I started having all these doubts. "what if I'm not ready?", "what if I can't handle it?", "What if I secretly don't really want to lose all the weight?", "What if I self destruct and sabotage myself?" etc'.
All those thoughts have now melted away. Because now, I know for a fact that I CAN do this. And I will. And I know that it will be good.





The ultimate "before" photo :)
Myself and my friends at the restaurant after my Last Supper. Unfortunately, nobody remembered to take photos until we were ready to leave, so there's a couple of folks who left early missing, but that right there is me at the heaviest I will ever be, and my support system, and my favorite peeps, who are there for me to lean on when I need them. Love everybody there! (also, I know how this looks, but I just feel I should mention that most of my friends are guinormous! Really! The guy on the right is 6'7"!!! The girl next to me is 5'11" so, you know... ok, also I'm pretty short... lol).