New Horizons ... (Long)

Oct 24, 2012

 I named this Blog after one of my favorite Moody Blues songs.  It seemed fitting as I do some soul searching.  I've been listening to it a lot lately as I find that I am kinda down in the dumps over being alone.  So many of you have a spouse or significant other to help you through this journey and I don't.  I've been alone for 16 months now since my GF and I broke up.  I thought losing weight, fitting into smaller clothes and feeling better would help bring someone into my life, but no luck so far.  But, that is only part of my problem.

Several months ago I sorta gave up.  I guess I'm not the only one that this has happened to.  Most of my life has been like this with many things.  I get super pumped up and give whatever it is I'm into 100% but after after several months .. the steam dies off and I loose interest.  This happened to me again with VSG.

Many of you may remember me from OH forums here where I was EXTREMELY active some months ago.  I think I lived on the computer during my recovery period during the first few months replying to just about every posting on here, giving my 2 cents, watching video's of folks journey on youtube, reading articles, planning my meals, logging everything I ate on myfitnesspal, etc.

Then ... as usual .. the steam died out .. poof ...

It's why I could never loose weight and keep it off .. I would try hard for several months .. then loose all interest.  I really admire the strong willed people on here that never seem to give up .. do everything right .. stick to the plan .. post and read on here everyday .. make their video's faithfully every month .. never slip up ... 
I don't know how you do it .. and you really should be commended for your dedication and willpower.  When I think about you folks, I don't know how you ever got overweight to begin with if you are able to stick to something so faithfully.  I wish I knew your secret on sticking with something for such a long time without fail.

Well, I stopped coming to OH forums.  I stopped counting my food.  I stopped counting my water.  I stopped walking on the treadmill.  I stopped making protein shakes.  I stopped buying the protein drinks from Vitamin shoppe.  I stopped trying ...
I don't want to live the rest of my life counting my damn calories and counting my water.  I just want to live my life .. ya know? Am I the only person that feels like this?  I got tired of logging everything I ate into the computer.  What a pain in the rear that is.  Really ...  it is.

It really shows in my numbers too.  

Month 1: -27.9, Month 2: -17.1, Month 3: -20.2, Month 4: -16.8, Month 5: -11.8, Month 6: -10.8, Month 7: -8.4, Month 8: -7.

While I was having so much trouble with nausea and vomiting due to my gallbladder (which is now gone as of surgery 10/2/12) I was not able to eat dense protein and I was grazing on food that wouldn't make me sick but didn't fill me up either.  While this is true, I feel like it is some kind of excuse for my failure to stay motivated.  I don't want to make excuses.

Just for old times sake, I decided to log my food yesterday in myfitnesspal and sure enough ... it wasn't good.  I had 1,479 calories, 186 carbs and 72 protein.  Lord I can hear all the diet and food guru's gasping for breath right now at this lol.  This included an egg, some scrapple, 16 oz of orange juice (that was a killer on the carbs), some crab soup, Greek yogurt, cereal and some cashews.  I had no water at all .. other then what I mixed with some Crystal Light Ice Tea Mix.

While I certainly don't think this was all that bad for me, I realize that this is why I'm not losing more weight.  (It's not like I ate a Friendly's Ice Cream Sundae with 5 scoops and a whole pizza like I used to.)  It is more of a maintenance range not a loss range as far as the numbers go.  I didn't really have any dense protein to keep me full .. I'm still eating like I have been .. on food that wont fill me up so I'm eating way too much.  

Myfitnesspal says I'm allowed 1,950 calories and 268 carbs daily .. so I do still end up losing weight each month .. however I am far beyond the 600 calories and the 40 carbs that I used to preach to people months ago that they needed to be successful.  

I don't know why I'm writing all of this ... I guess to try and get myself back on track and admit to my lack of motivation. Hopefully it will keep others motivated that may read this to not do what I did.  Lucky for me my restriction is still there.  I can't eat much before I'm full .. but I'm eating often and grazing a lot.  I know what I'm supposed to do .. I just haven't felt like doing it .. to be honest.  I wish I could stay on track like so many of you on here seem to be able to do.  I really just want the surgery to work for me and not have to worry about all these numbers.  Part of me says, "I'm still loosing weight .. who cares if its only 7 lbs a month!  I'll eventually get where I want to be just slowly."  Then another part says, "you know you can do better then this!"

Today has been better.  After seeing the numbers yesterday for the first time in 4 months or so since I've kept track, it made me see that I'm not doing good.  I guess I gave myself the kick in the pants that I needed to start trying harder .. but I wonder how long it will last?  Like always, I'll lose steam and motivation after a while ... Lord, please let me get the rest of this weight off so I can get back to the maintenance plan ha ha.  1500 calories was SOOOO much nicer then 600.  Sigh ... 

Wish me luck!

if you care to hear the song from the title of this blog, here it is:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iF2__-K8qFo

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