Pamela W.
This is a story of me and my journey through life as a "large-boned child" to a "morbidly obese woman" and the steps I'm taking to never hear those words again. My name is Pam. I'm 41. I'm 5'9 (standing tall). As of today, I weigh 374.6. I am in the process of finishing out my nutritional counseling (my last month is in May 2010) and then will obtain insurance approval. I've had a nurse from my insurance company (United Healthcare) following my 6 months counseling sessions and once my health assessment is done (also to be scheduled in May 2010), I will be able to get a surgery date with Dr. Michel Murr, Tampa, Florida.
Some stuff about my the important things in my life:
Obviously, I love my husband, Phil. He is an angel who came down from heaven, plucked me up, cast a spell on me and the next thing I knew I was in love. My love life had previously been chaotic and I had a lot of memories I would soon forget. Phil swept that chaos and bitterness out of my house. He is my rock.
I love my son, Cole. He is the apple of my eye and, no matter how much he doubts himself, he will eventually succeed. I have every faith in him.
I also happen to love my job. I'm fortunate to work for the State of Florida, originally starting with the Department of Health and eventually migrating to the Department of Children and Families. I work from home which is an honor for me and I take my job seriously. I'm an Economic Self Sufficiency Specialist, which is a glorified term for case manager for Food Stamps, Medicaid and Temporary Cash Assistance clients. My coworkers are phenomenal and dedicated.
In my six years with the state, I've had the fortune of befriending both of my supervisors, Cheryl and Sheri. They are at total ends of the spectrum with regard to their personalities and they both play a huge part in my life in totally different ways. They are my "perfect balance of besties" and are a large part of my personal life as well as career path. Included with those two are Dee, Kari, Amy and recently Lette, who make up the "Floozie Coozie Crew." These girls are a huge part of what I love about my life. They are all so diverse and add so many dimensions to my life. We've made terrific memories together. Memories that will follow us to nursing homes with all of us playin' Ring 'o Fire, drinkin' some wine (or beer, or Yeager, or Beam, or Vodka, or Crown, or Royal Pickes ((what were we thinking?)) while laughing about the fun times we had but still loving ourselves enough to look beautiful with our wrinkles and chicken wings ((you know??...that flap of skin underneath your arms??!!)). Finally, in my forties, I feel my circle of friends is complete.
As for my family, my mother died in June 2009 and my grandmother passed in January 2010, both deaths of which I'm still reeling. My father is doing well since my mom died, better than I ever expected. His angel went to heaven when my mother died and my mother sent another angel back to help him through it. She is a gift to me as well because she fills in as my mom when I need one. Her daughter, Heather, is also my bestie, but best of all she is truly my sister. She has recently moved to Florida and the time we have already spent together has been incredible. She is passionate, dedicated, fearless, and a terrific Mommy!
Enough about what makes me tick...
I've made a decision in my life. A life altering decision. But it's time. If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm fat and am having weight loss surgery in two months. I'm starting this blog as a cheap alternative to therapy and possibly a place to show my friends a bit about me and make other friends as well. As I said earlier this is about my fascination with food and my journey to end that fascination and become fascinated with life. It's time to become proactive. This reactive crap is for the birds! Why is it that I can proactively manage a caseload of 80-140 clients, feed them, and supply them with cash and medical, but, in my personal life, I "react" to problems instead of anticipating and diverting them? My weight is starting to cause me problems in my life. Not just physical problems but problems with my psyche as a woman. Problems I "should have" anticipated and diverted by controlling my weight. Problems that I let spin so far out of control that now the only option for me, in my mind, is the LapBand to help control my addiction. Food is truly an addiction. It's like cigarettes. The more you smoke, the more you want. Well, with food, the more you eat, the more you want and the better it tastes, the more you want. It doesn't matter what you're eating. It can be the healthiest of foods and you can still overeat. If I truly loved yogurt, I wouldn't eat one container, I might eat four. That's addiction.
A lot of women say there is something in their life which drove them to their food addiction. I don't think that way about myself. There's nothing horrific in my life that drove me to eat the way I do. It's simply a shear lack of willpower to cut my portions down. I'm not saying I won't ever have ice cream again or I won't ever eat a piece of birthday cake post Lap-Band but I'm not going to beat myself up for eating it either. This tool will allow me to enjoy my life, become active again, work on a healthy diet and enjoy the rest of my life with my family and friends.
My current state of mind:
Food tastes so good and I'm so hungry that I overeat with beacons going off in my head screaming "STEP AWAY FROM THE TABLE - DROP YOUR FORK IMMEDIATELY!" The fork is my worst enemy. I hate him. Kinda like that mop commercial -- when the mop is trying to get back into the lady's good graces after she boots him for the Swiffer...the Mop is my Fork. The fork is begging to be a part of my life and it's shaking with fright that I'm going to stop using it as much. It fears the Lap Band. Yet, the fork is no longer in control. It's in the process of being taken control of by me, with a little help from my future friend, the Lap-Band. Corny, huh?
This is my journey.
