kitkat2008
My story - WOW - where to begin. I have been overweight over half my life. I was married when I was 16. No one could tell I was pregnant until my 6th month when I began to show. In my last 3 months I gained 70 lbs. Ever since then, I have been on the ever popular yo-yo rollercoaster ride of diets and losing and gaining game. I have never been able to lose more then 35 - 40 before my mind would convince me that I was starving to death and I would fall off the wagon and mess up. I kept alot of issues to myself and did not get alot of support probably because I could never stick to anything for long. I have a son that is 23 and daughter that is going to be 16 in Oct. Have been married 24 yrs and very happy that he is supporting me through this whole surgery.
Each time I would lose 20 or 30 lbs I would mess up and gain that back and then more on top of that. I went through this for a good 20 yrs. I weigh more now then I did when I was pregnant with our daughter.
I was what you would call a binge eater. I would eat and eat until I couldnt move due to being so overstuffed. I loved food and it was my comfort. It made me feel good and never argued with me. I ate when I was happy. I ate when I was sad. I ate when I was stressed. I was an all emotions eater. I never could eat just one piece of fried chicken. I had to have 4 or 5 pieces of fried chicken. I used to think Sonic was my friend. Anyone out there can relate at all? I know I couldnt be the only one. It was easy and convenient. Pull up, make a huge order and leave. No one knew if that was all for you or if you was ordering for family and going home. The problem was, it was usually all for me. So so so sad. I was happy while I was eating but when i was done, I would go into a depression like you wouldnt believe. I would feel so bad about myself, it was horrible. I even had suicidal thoughts. I even tried to plan it out away from my kids. I had the perfect scenerios in my head that was always on back burner when I would start feeling depressed.
I started feeling like I was fat - ugly - worthless - useless- disgusting and I could go on and on. I could never cut myself and slack or say anything good about myself. When you get into a depression like that and also food taken over on top of that - you can be one messed up person -- THAT WAS ME!!!
I was also what I think you would call a secret binge eater. I would sneak food all the time. It was scary actually - when I would be alone -- the thoughts would overtake my brain and all I could think about was what I could sneak to eat before everyone come home. I couldnt believe I did that. In the back of my mind, I knew it was wrong and I shouldnt be doing that but I dont know why I was so weak.
I feel like I missed out on a lot of things over the years being this overweight. Average size people take a lot for granted not being overweight. I hated going anywhere because my first thoughts were always can I fit. Can I fit at the movies -- Can I fit at the restaurant -- Can I fit in the rides at the amusement park. It really sucked not fitting in the rides at the park -- I would just say "Nah, I dont want to ride this time" but I am sure I wasnt fooling anyone but myself now that I look back and think about it.
I may not can do anything about the past --- by dang it -- i can do something about the future.
I will update my posts beginning with my 2 week liver shrinking diet before surgery.
