Eleven Days

Feb 28, 2009

It has taken me 11 days to lose one pound.  I think I have been in a MAJOR stall and the chocolate covered almond incident 9 days ago did not help.  It is like I have paid an extremely dear price for that indiscretion.  Since I didn't dump (did feel pretty nauseous, but I have always felt that way when I eat too many sweets.  I remember feeling that way when we went to the movies when I was a kid and I had 10¢ to spend on candy.  It made me sick then, I just wanted bread or even meat [and I wasn’t a meat eater when I was a kid]).  

I hope the weight gain of 3 pounds and the waste of 11 days during this critical "honeymoon" period has taught me a lesson.  I wonder how I could be so stupid.  They didn't even taste all that good after the first two or three.  I don't want to be that person again.  You know the one, the person who eats indiscriminately, without considering the consequences.  I am afraid that I will be one of the ones who;

1.       Never gets to goal.

2.       Gets to goal for 10 minutes then ruins it by my terrible food choices. 

Both I have done in the past.

Attention over my weight loss causes me to sabotage myself.  I eat properly (or very very carefully, like I did at Thanksgiving), then I come home and eat like there is no tomorrow.  Someone compliments my weight loss then I feel the need to eat like a refugee.  It bothers me to have people think I am doing the right thing regarding my eating and/or my weigh loss.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??

I know if I go to a therapist they will say, “What do you think is wrong?” “What can you do differently?” I DON’T KNOW!!!  That is what got me where I was before my surgery.  If I knew, I would never have been Morbidly Obese.  (That term, in itself, should be an incentive to NEVER, NEVER go back.)

I have also found that eating carbs, even complex (“good for me”) carbs causes me to want to graze.  I have never considered myself a grazer.  Jay does not consider me a grazer and yet, after a few days with carbs in my diet (like the pretzels and cereal with 10-15 gm. protein but about the same amount of carbs will put me in a grazing frenzy for a few days unless I cut carbs dramatically. 

I have no intention of going back to my old eating habits.  I don’t sit around thinking, “I can’t wait until I can eat bread, pasta, rice, noodles, pizza, blah, blah, blah.”  I do look forward to eating fruit, but I know that has to be in moderation (from dealing with Diabetes for so long).  But I am sabotaging myself in little ways by eating past satiation; by eating too many carbs; by eating too often.

On diets, in the past, I have always wanted to hurry up and lose the weight so I could eat _____ .  It was a form of torture, in my mind.  I don’t feel that way about this.  I KNOW, without a doubt, that this is and must be a permanent way of life.  This must be a change of behavior and a change of attitude.  For the most part, I am right there, but then I do something stupid, like the almond incident or even like overeating last night.  It was salad and chicken, but it was too much and it made my stomach hurt. 

I have not learned my limits and I am afraid I am going to ruin something, if I don’t get that down and quickly.  I would love to just live on shakes for the rest of my life, but that isn’t a viable option.  First of all, I need solid food, otherwise I want to graze.  (Why is this becoming a new behavior?)  Secondly, that isn’t going to work with my husband and family who like to eat out.  Thirdly, when I was doing that (for two weeks before and two weeks after surgery), it gave me horrible diarrhea. 

Right now, I have cut my carbs dramatically (still ranging from 37-60/day) and am trying to make better choices when I eat.  I am also drinking shakes between meals to get in my required 80-100 gm. of protein.  I will try to make my meals smaller and stop eating when I am satisfied, not when I am "full."

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