Rethinking Thin

Apr 23, 2009

In the last post I talked a little bit about what it was like being super morbidly obese. In this post, I'm just going to reflect a little bit on the process that brought about the change I'm experiencing now.

I've known that I was FAT since I was eight years old. That was the year my doctor really began getting worried, my mom got very concerned and I really started getting teased by other kids. I was bookish and introverted by nature, but this is when I really began to retreat into myself.



I began to actively diet when I was thirteen. I started with OTC diet pills, I tried diet gum, I did a medical weight loss program at the local hospital with my mom. I did a subliminal weight loss program. I did my first round of weight watchers when I was in high school. All the while my weight kept increasing. And I wasn't sedentary. I was very active in dance, loved lifting weights, was a cheerleader - even though I had to buy a larger uniform every year. The teasing that had started in grade school continued into high school. I was miserable. My journals from those years are filled with wish lists of things I would do when I lost weight.



In college, my weight, which was above 200 lbs. when I finished high school, continued to balloon. I continued to exercise, but my eating habits worsened. I dieted constantly, going to desperate extremes to lose weight but never having any success. My journals from college are filled with dreams of being an anorexic. I greatly admired their self-control.



I reached 300 lbs. in my early twenties. My periods completely ceased. I worked with a doctor to lose weight and managed 20 or 30 pounds. I maintained that loss for quite a while, but 270, though healthier than 300, is still not anything to be proud of. During this time, I did two or three more tries with weight watchers, I did other diet pills which made me shake uncontrollably, I bought diet books constantly, reading them and scribbling in their pages, trying anything I could find to help me out. My brother got me a personal trainer for Christmas.



It was during this time that I somehow managed to lose just over 90 lbs. I was proud of myself. People would compliment me on losing weight "the right way", which in their minds meant, on your own. Then the unthinkable started happening.

I started regaining the weight. After a short time period. I couldn't understand why. I couldn't change it. I felt completely helpless. I felt lost. I was suicidal. I would go to sleep crying, begging the Lord to take me in my sleep, and then curse him in the morning when I woke up. Still fat.



I'd given up. I felt out of options. I was in pain all of the time. My joints hurt. My back hurt. I couldn't breathe. Even small tasks are difficult when you're very heavy. I quit praying for death, but I quietly prayed for mercy.



It was around this time - mid 2007, when I first came across the book Rethinking Thin by Gina Kolata. Kolata, a health journalist, wrote a comprehensive layman's guide to the history of dieting in the United States. Starting in the 1800s, she traced how dieting had become America's national pastime, and at the same time, covered the history of medical research on obesity. What the research says is a lot different than what conventional wisdom will tell you.

For the first time, I didn't feel like my obesity was indicative of a lack of character. I wasn't a bad person because I couldn't fit into a size 6. I actually kinda started liking myself. And that was probably the most important thing in initiating the major changes of the last year and a half. I liked myself, and I had hope for the future.

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