KnikkiJ

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Having a REALLY tough time waking up today - completely groggy and in more pain than yesterday.  Doctor says - completely normal, TAKE THE VICODIN.  

I told him about my second thoughts and he assured me that this is normal behavior - and that I'd probably feel worse before I feel better.  "Give it a week or two and I guarantee you'll be singing."

So, I headed home - keeping up the walking.  Keeping up the liquids (2 oz per hour) and trying to keep entertained for the next week or so until I feel "normal" again.

The weirdest thing was waking up on day #2 and still debating in my head whether or not I wanted to do the surgery - STILL filled with doubts and worries.  Now, part of it can be blamed on hormones - since the pre-op panic brought on an early period (and a nasty one - but I'll skip the details).

Got up and walked about - pain wasn't that bad.  Don't get me wrong - I hit the pain button happily a few times - there's no point in suffering unnecessarily!

Right after the doctor came to check (I LOVE Dr. Lowe) on me, my vein infiltrated and they removed both the pain meds and the IV fluids.  It hurt like hell - my arm is actually still swollen and red in an impressive display of colors.  They think it was the anti-nausea drugs that did it - but it'll go away on it's own, so it's no worry.

Walked around ALOT.  Worked on my Christmas cards.  Slept a bit.  BORED out of my mind.

Still freaked out - but it's done, and despite the fears I know it was the right decision.  I just wish my family were here.  It'll be wonderful to surprise them next time I see them - they have no clue.  But I really missed them today.

Husband was, as always, an absolute darling.  I'm very lucky.

Struck with massive second thoughts for the day or two before surgery - is this really what I want?  Can I really not do this another way?  And I finally realized that I KNOW what I want for the long term and I know what doesn't work for me - so nerves and all I bundled up and headed to the hospital.

Because of a previous surgical issue, I told the anesthesiologist in my pre-op interview that I was going to need massive doses of Valium to get me into surgery - this was WELL in advance of the usual jitters.  So gratefully, there was a full syringe of Versed waiting for me when I arrived.  They weighed me (met my first goal, by the way - already weigh less than the hubby) put me in a gown, popped me on a stretcher and brought my sweetheart in.  I remember saying good-bye and kissing him, and then they started wheeling me towards the OR to get my I.V. put in.  Don't remember anything at all after the goodbye kiss.

Woke up several hours later nauseous beyond belief.  They gave me anti-nausea drugs, which knocked me right back out.  Woke up - having lots of pain - they gave me pain drugs - lots of nausea - more nausea drugs - knocked back out.  We did this little dance several times before I asked them to NOT give me anymore morphine because I am pretty sure that's what was making me so nauseous.  Sure enough, they stopped and I started gaining some coherency.

My poor husband spent his entire day freaking out - they couldn't seem to get the balance right for many hours and I only vaguely remember bits and pieces.  I remember saying, "Nausea.  Nausea."  and "Pain, pain." and little more.

They continued to give me anti-nausea drugs, which kept me completely unconscious throughout the first day.

Woke up about 11:00 - 11:30 pm and started taking slow steps around the ward.  Then slept completely through the night again.

Twenty four hours from now the surgery will be over and I'll be in recovery.   That's the part that worries me most - not the pain, not the recovery, not the continuation of liquids and mushy stuff - just the waking up part.  If I can WAKE UP from the surgery, everything is gravy from then on.

(Gravy is a liquid - it's allowed!)  :)

Having a hard time with the "hate posts" that are going on in the main forum.  Who cares if you had an RNY or a Lap Band or a DS?  We're all losers - and for that, we're all winners.  Everyone has a different perspective - and whether we agree or not, everyone is entitled to share their thoughts and opinions.  

This forum has always been a source of comfort, encouragement and knowledge - but now I hesitate before I visit the board because I just don't need the negativity.

I'm VERY grateful to my Angel, Barbara C - who is always posting amazing words of encouragement to nearly everyone on the boards.  She's a truly remarkable person and an inspiration.

Well, my Carribean adventure has sadly come to an end - it was a week with 27 friends and I was really surprised at how many of them never caught on that I didn't eat all week.  

To be honest - despite the many decadent restaurants we went to, I really didn't have any problem staying honest to my liquid diet.  TODAY it was hard as hell - I have no idea why - but for the past week and a half it really hasn't been bad.

It still hasn't really sunk in that I've only 2 more days to go - my husband is far more freaked out than I am.  I've banished him from the hospital except for a short visit Wednesday afternoon to make sure I'm okay.  From what I've read I'm going to be cranky, in pain and suffering from gas - so there's really nothing to be gained from having him there.  He can coddle me plenty when I get home on Friday and can appreciate the support and pampering!

Plus, after a week of vacation together 24/7 he'll probably appreciate a few days of bachelor life!

Still questioning my decision - especially after proving my determination these past few weeks on the liquid diet.  But I know that for LIFELONG change, I'm going to need help - so I'm determined to see it through.

I threw out my scale.  It'll be really exciting to be weighed on Wednesday morning pre-surgery and see if these protein shakes have done any good.

Well, here I am taking a break from the beautiful beach in Bonaire to type into my blog.  Only a week to go - I still can't believe it - and I'm here in paradise, diving with the fishies, laying out in the warm sun (with 60 sunblock), hanging out with friends - going to absolutely AMAZING restaurants.......and of course, not eating.  

I carted my slim fast shakes with me to Bonaire and I'm sitting and watching my friends FEAST on absolutely amazing food.  Let me tell you - I'm damn proud of myself for lasting this long.  I must be dedicated to it or I never would have made it.

None of them know, by the way - and my husband is sworn to secrecy.  So they just think I'm stupid and trying to diet on my vacation.  Which is fine - this is what I want to be doing and I'm not really worried about what everybody else is saying and thinking.  A nice change in and of itself.  But trust me when I tell you that every meal is a test.  

I've got alot going through my mind right now - and it's tough to put it all into words.  But I'm looking forward to getting home and getting through the surgery and getting on with the rest of my life.

Life is good!

Saw the anesthesiology department at the hospital yesterday and took my pre-op blood tests.  I expressed the concerns that I have (based on my surgery in Pennsylvania a decade ago where I had a VERY rough anesthesia experience) and he thought it was hilarious!  Not exactly the response I was looking for - but he did calm the fears that I have and instill a great deal of confidence in the staff.

So - I'm pretty much completely stoked.  Got my shakes and bathing suits packed for Bonaire next week - a beautiful week in paradise without stress (and sadly, without margharitas)

I'm craving tomato soup and ANYTHING with alot of garlic in it.  Not that this is relevant - but I'm curious to watch the craving trends as I continue along.

Husband is being wonderful - he's losing weight, too - but only because I refuse to get up and cook.  I have little energy right now as I detox the sugar away - and plus, I just don't want to!  Good grief!  He's got arms!

I have no doubt it's only on vacation and will return - but for now, I have to admit I AM excited. 

Pre-surgical visit at the hospital today - they had a nifty time trying to find a vein that would give them blood.  I should upload my four stick-spots with the pirate bandages on them.   Aargh!

Still hate the liquid diet - I have no energy.  But I'm not getting hungry-grumpy like I expected.  So that's a good thing.

And I'm having WEIRD cravings!  Like zuchinni - today I would have mugged somebody for squash!  Who would have thought?

Thanks to everyone for their generous kindness!  Woohoo!

"You know doctor, I really don't think I eat that much sugar...."

AND I DIDN'T!  (think that I ate that much sugar)

But 1 day into no sugar and no caffeine and I'm in double withdrawal!  ACK!

:)

No pain, no gain......that just seems backwards considering what we're doing.  Does anyone have a better slogan? 

Liquid diet - YES, I'm hungry all the time - but it's also a good feeling.  I am trying to associate that feeling of hunger with all the little fat cells being destroyed.  Hey - I can read sci-fi into anything! 

My husband took me out for dinner at our favorite restaurant last night - the one we were engaged at.  I didn't do the "tour of food" before my pre-op - I guess because I don't feel like I'm giving things up forever.  My understanding is we can still go out to dinner with friends and go to our favorite placed - I just won't be eating more than 6-7 bites.   It was actually a huge relief to him - he thought we were having to give up being social!  ACK!

I also made a MAJOR faux-pas when I realized that my husband wasn't aware that I'd changed from the Lap Band to full Gastric Bypass.  He was out of town when my surgeon and I discussed the pros and cons and decided to go with the bypass - and with all my blogging and messages, I completely forgot that I didn't talk to him about it.  VERY BAD KARMA!