Apr 10, 2008
In speaking with one of my support team members, I was reminded that not only will I need to adjust to this new food lifestyle but I will also need to like my body. I'm very thankful to God that I have the life I do as imperfect as I've made it to date. It is still a very good life. But, my team member is right, I have not liked my body or who I am in it for a long time. That has made me cronically unhappy. Of course, that shows. Losing the weight, whatever amount it may be, will help. But, I'm going to have to like whatever that level is and enjoy the new body. I say "whatever the level" because I am not going to pressure myself by establishing a goal then never achieve it. I've done that so many times in the past and it doesn't help emotionally. So, the goal here is to lose whatever amount I can by completely following the food, exercise, mental/emotional work and surgeon's directions.
Yes, I've set small goals such as right now to reach 270#. I'll adjust after that. What I'm not going to do is think about reaching 125#. It's too far away and sets me up for negative thinking.
I'm thinking I'll need to come up with a reward for reaching each small goal. Any ideas?
Post op visit
Apr 08, 2008
4/7/08 Dr. M's scale: 288# My scale: 283#
PA stated their's tends to run high. We agreed that what's important is that BOTH scales show a loss. So long as that continues we're happy. I have a follow up with Dr. M (hopefully him not the PA) on 5/16 for possible first fill. Let's see how much I can knock off in the next 5 weeks.
I'm so happy to be on the losing side now. I have to say I'm cautious at this time because I have gotten down to 279# on my own. So, at this time any loss is wonderful but I'm also waiting to see it go below 279# and continue downward. When that starts to happen I'll really know that this is working.
I see the NUT on Monday (4/14). Hopefully by then I'll have the go ahead for soft mushy foods. I plan to have my regular food plan together to share with her. I want to be sure the plan, the recipes and such are ok.
Sleepless nite and other things
Apr 06, 2008
I'm doing much better. The tightness has subsided quite a bit. The muscle pull feeling as well. The gassy feeling is still there though a tad bit less. It still seems to hit most often in the evenings. I'm finding that I can't take in much in the morning. Just something light, like water or protien shake or V8. I tried to have a yogurt this morning but with just half a teaspoon I got this tightness and stopped. I had to wait about 15 - 20 mins before water was ok. I've been sipping H20 plain, w/cyrstal light or hot tea through out the day. (heh) I've never taken so long to finish a cup of tea (1 hour). I've reheated it twice in that hour, ha, ha.
I've been going through my recipes. Yes, I love to cook. My plan, based on something the NUT said, is to pull together a monthly food plan. I intend to have 3 - 4 choices for each meal, 3 - 4 side dishes/desserts and 2 - 3 snack choices to chose from for the month. Each will be a recipe which might make between 2 - 4 servings. I will draw up a biweekly meal plan, do as much of the cooking/prep work on the weekend and shop per the meal plan. I used to do this a really long time ago and it helped to eat healthier, cheaper and not overeat cuz the frig/pantry had choices. I think going back to this will really help me succeed. Course, each recipe will probably make 4 - 6 servings now. Hey that's GREAT!! I'm eating less per meal but still being healthy.
Ok, I think this has helped me calm down. I feel my eyes dropping so goodnite all.
Post op day 4
Apr 04, 2008
I'm doing well over all. I have a feeling of tightness in my chest between my breast area. It's worse when I bend over or if I'm feeling pressure from being gassy. I'm gassy though not as a bad now. I also have a feeling of a really bad muscle pull along the abs area. I never realized just how much we use our abs. I'm hoping the gassy feeling, the pressure and the tightness disappear over the next few days. I don't know if this is common or not because I could never find much on this site about how one feels following surgery. I have a follow up with Dr. M on Monday so will be speaking with him should I still feel this way by then.
Thank you all for your support, thoughts and prayers. Keep them coming. I'm planning on being part of the 100# club in the future.
43 hours and counting
Mar 30, 2008
I think, no I know what I'm scared of is failing. I've failed at this, WL/healthy living, for 20 years now. I told Mom that the reason I haven't told many family people about this surgery is because of what would happen when they don't see the success. I'm afraid that by telling them I'm ensuring that I'll fail because they will be exepecting me to succeed. It's difficult enough knowing that that expectation will be coming from Mom & Dad, just like it always had all the other times. I can recall many a time when I'd hear "You've gained weight" or "You lost 5#, really? It doesn't show. You sure." or "5 pounds, that's good. It will really start to show when you get 20# off" or "Well now ever 10# off will show and if not then you're not losing". I've very rarely heard "Wow, you're looking good" or "That's a great outfit, you can see your success" or "5 pounds off is great. What can I do to help stick with it" or even "5 pounds that's wonderful, lets celebrate". Yes, I've told friends and some co-workers but for me they are not quite as emotionally tied to my weight problem as my family is. My friends/co workers care and do occasionally say something about the weight and yes, do not included me as much because of the weight but it doesn't hurt quite the same way. In fact, I'm not as worried about what they would think if I fail at this as I do with family.
Any of this make sense to anyone?
Ok, I'm getting off this track. It's not helping me. I KNOW I AM GOING TO SUCCEED BECAUSE THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION. So, on that note everyone, pray for the success of my surgery and that there be no problems during or after it.
Catch you all in a few days.
3 days and counting
Mar 28, 2008
I must say I'm a little nervous. I know this because I've called my parents 3x this week. We generally touch base every other week when they are in NC. I've asked my twice the date they'll be back in NY, just to confirm it hasn't changed.
Ok, I'm ready. Let's go.
7 days to go
Mar 25, 2008
Last nite I attended a joint RYN/LAP meeting which featured Dr. M's NUT. She is leaving the area so Dr. M will need to replace her (POOH!). Anyway, she did a presentation on life long success with WLS. It was excellent!! She focused on the key issues she has heard/seen in her 10 years of working with WLS patients. Those key issues were ones that need to be addressed, resolved, stick to and utilize if one wants to succeed during, after and for life with WLS. It does not matter which type WLS you have these issues apply. I'll be asking her to email the powerpoint so I can review it frequently. I intend to utilize it. I did takes some notes and from what I could see it didn't seem like too many took notes. There were probably 30 or so people in attendance, all at various stages. I think the oldest WLS patient there was two years post.
I'm doing ok with the liquid diet though it's getting old. My pre-op went well and I had a great conversation with an RN at the hospital who had WLS with Dr. M 4 years ago(?). He had the Lap first then revised to RYN and lost 170#. He said his biggest battle is staying true to the "new" lifestyle. He said he has gained some weight back because he was not exercising enough and lasped with his eating. He spoke very highly of Dr. M. Personally, I felt both he and the NUT's presentation were speaking directly to me and re-enforcing the importance that this is a TOOL not a solution. That for it to help me succeed means I HAVE TO FAITHFULLY EVERYDAY, EVERY HOUR AND EVERY MINUTE STAY WITH THE PLAN. I have to make the plan my new lifestyle, my new habit.
I'm ready to do this emotionally, physically, spiritually and yes, socially.
In just 7 days, all the tools needed to succeed will be in my hands. I must use them correctly and daily. There is no one else who can do this for me or with me.
It's Easter weekend
Mar 22, 2008
I know I expect too much of people. That's one of my personal stressors which has wreaked hovac with my weight. It's an emotional food trigger for me. Thankfully, I've been working on handling the emotional food triggers in a better, more productive way. But, it's still a work in progress. I'd be stupid to say at this point that their not a concern. They are no longer a major problem/issue but they are still at times a threat.
So, I woke up this morning feeling lonely, needy and a little depressed that I've not been invited anywhere for easter. Yeah, I know I told Mom on the phone it's ok. That I had a week ago connected with two of my cousins inquiring if there were any plans but have not heard back from them. This is me, I just want to feel included simply through being offered the opportunity to decline. People do not understand how isolated my life has been first due to being a deaf person functioning in a hearing world and then due to the obesity. True the cochlear implant has greatly improved communication and such but now I'm fighting a battle to break people's "habit" of communicating with me which was seeing me as a deafie who missed a lot and required them to put in more effort when communicating (course people rarely met me half way here, it was always 75% me and 25% them). Well, I'm still working on people and I hope that when I like myself more after this procedure helps me to succeed in knocking off the pounds that it will be easier with people.
I fully admit that my self esteem, self image is very poor. As a results I'm sure I project that, unwillingly, when meeting people or interacting with people. When one does not like one's self people tend to pick up on that and many will chose to have as little to do with you as possible. I know losing the weight is not the sole answer to improving my self image which is why I've been working on that for some time prior to pursuing the WLS. I'm doing much better and I know I will improve greatly when I begin to make consistent, significant success following WLS. It will certainly help to bring everything into order, if you will.
I think I'll call some family to wish them a happy easter. Maybe some day they will make the effort to reach out, stay connected to me. Until then I guess I'll have to be the one to put forth 100% and then some if only just to make myself feel wanted.
Surgery Countdown continues....
Mar 20, 2008
I'm a fan of the Biggest Loser and this season I really connect with many of the statements, feelings and fusterations of some of the contestants. Brittany, I can really relate to. Her difficulty in losing the weight sounds a lot like me. The makeover session had me really looking forward to my own.
I want to do a mini makeover by the end of the year. I will have succeed in losing some significant weight, enough so to warrent a mini makeover. I have to say I have not felt this optomistic about my weight loss plan in a long time. But, this isn't a plan. It's a lifestyle change one that will see me through the rest of my life happily, joyfully and optomistically. I am so ready to succeed in this one area. Success here would mean all the goals I've set for myself would be achieved. Heck, I'd have to come up with new goals!!
Just 11 more days!!!
Liquid Diet start and count down to 4/1
Mar 18, 2008
The logistics are worked out except for passing on phone #'s and important info to the doctor. That will be done on 3/24, my pre-op visit. On 3/13, after scrambling around to accomodate the nutiritionist, I had that pre-op visit. Personally, I felt it could have been done by phone vs. driving 2 hours round trip for a 15 min. consultation to go over papers I already had. But, I did not care for the implied "threat" that if we didn't have the meeting they would inform the Dr. and the surgery date would be pushed back. NO, NO, NO.
Anyway, yesterday was day one of the 2 week liquid diet. I'm fairly prepared though will need to purchase more protien shakes this weekend. I'll also need to pick up Gas X and chewable calicum. I've uped my exercise routine to 4 days a week. Two cardio and two with trainer.
I'm weighing myself regularly, still trying and hoping to knock off 10# before surgery. Sadly, I did not meet my goal of 10#'s off before starting the liquid diet. It's such a struggle. I'm really looking forward to and praying this tool really helps me to make a more consisent and significant effort to knock off the pounds. Anything would be better than the 1/4 pound a week or every other week that has been my pattern for the last 3 years.
I'm going to make this my homepage for now so when I log on it will remind me to check in. I want to use this to track my journey, for support and to support everyone else.