kurby1505

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How funny is this.....
   I curling up with someone and he made me move because my hip bone was digging into him. 
Wow.....I almost cried tears of joy.  

Life is sooooo all about the little things :)

I broke into the 150's!!!!! YAY!!!! 159.5!!!!! :) Okay, that's all.

I have had a few people email me and ask, so I thought I would do a post and let those of you who care know how I am doing.  Well, I am down 82 Pounds :) I am right at 160.  It's really insane.  I will try and post a few of my pics from my Maui trip earlier this month.  I have a picture of me in a wet suit and the funny thing is that I actually think it looks pretty good.  I have had a busy summer, doing lots of physical activities and running around being social again.  REALLY SOCIAL.  I have been dating quite a bit too.  Funny how 80 pounds makes ex's come crawling back. lol.  It has really been a whirlwind of emotions, good and bad.  I am having a hard time shaking my "fat girl" mentality and even a harder time accepting new attention in the proper way.  The new me is very defensive about the old me.  I ask myself weird questions like....."would he have liked me 40 pounds ago? 80 pounds ago?"  I think it is pretty distructive and it is something I am learning to deal with.  Even with that said, I honestly have never felt better.  I am living a physically and emotionally healthier exsistance.   For the first time I am ready to address my issues, determine my problems (even if they are small compared to many) and work on making myself a better person.   It really feels good. 

I hit the 70 Mark and am feeling pretty darn great.  I have noticed that it just isn't comming off any more like it once was.  I am losing a pound every week  to week and a half now and if I am wanting to drop this last 20 to 30 pounds I am going to have to up the effort level quite a bit.  My next short term goal is to make it into the 160's.....only 2 pounds away.  Now that I am smaller, some odd things are occuring....1) Men who I have hung out with for years,  all of sudden want their chance.....hahaha.  2) My sister and I keep getting asked if we are twins...again hahaha 3) I don't hate getting dressed in the morning and I don't rush home to put on comfy clothes (although, they are still my favorite to wear) 4) I invite people over to swim...just weird 5) I go shopping in regular stores for clothes and designer jeans FIT.   Just on a whim, I grabbed my sister's Juicy Jeans to see how far I was from being able to wear their stuff and to my shock they slipped right on.  No tugging, no sucking in, they just FIT.  My old self would be calling me a skinny bitch right now, and that thrills me.    

I knew it was going to happen eventually, I knew that someone get ballsy and call me out on this whole thing, however, it happened in a very unexpected way.  A guy who I barely knew, but who is very cute, asked me to dinner and so I went.  We went to a Spanish Tapas place, which I was thrilled about because I knew I could get a nice small appetizer and call it a done deal.   Well about 3 mins into the meal (okay, maybe more like 10) I am getting that stuffed feeling and I have only had about 1/4 of my plate (which was teeny tiny to begin with) and he commented on the fact that I had stopped eating, not in a rude way, but to make sure I liked what I had ordered.  I assured him that everything was great and then it happened...
half joking he said, "What did you have Lap-Band or something?"  Being the total awkward dork that I am, I froze right there.  Made some god-awful face I am sure, and then fumbled out, "not exactly, gastric bypass."  He was totally cool about it and actually kinda made me feel dumb for thinking it was a big deal.   He apologized for putting me on the spot and in a lot of ways it made me feel a million times better.  I am sure this won't be the last time I have to face a situation of this nature, but I am glad that my first experience having to tell a stranger was a positive one.  It was also interesting that he mentioned that it is something that his sister has considered doing because I think that education when it comes to these surgeries is becoming more common.  His positive reaction was a result of understanding that I wasn't just wussing out or was too lazy to exercise.   Hopefully, future dates will be equally understanding and if not then I guess we are just going to have to start a singles chat room on here. lol. I know first hand that there are some VERY good looking guys on here who are great catches! 
 

It's an odd thing...this weight coming off like this. I mean, I am having a hard time realizing what I look like. That may sound weird, but I really don't know.  I keep looking at girls and going "am I her size?"  Truth is I have spent so long feeling uncomfortable that it's odd looking and myself and seeing something acceptable. I am "average-ish" right now.  A size 12.  Wow, a size 12! Men are looking at me, cute men.  I have to keep my ego in check.   Don't get me wrong, I still have a belly and I am far from lean, but I am no longer the "fat girl" and that is weird.  If you play a role long enough, it becomes part of your idenity, part of who you are and a portion of the reason that you behave the way that you do.  Giving up "the fat girl" is hard.  It takes away my excuses for a lot attitudes, emotions and behaviors.  It also gives me the strength to become the person I want to be.  I used to think I was a skinny girl trapped in a big body, now I am feeling the opposite.  When people talk about this being a "journey" they are not speaking of the weightloss alone, they are talking about all the changes that evolve as a result of it.  Maintaining balance throughout this experience is difficult, because it is necessary to keep note of all of the emotional, physical and psychological changes occur.  Knowing who you are and remaining grounded is difficult and it is amazing how changing one element of your life can ripple effect so many others.  This is the craziest thing I have ever done, it was both brave and self indulgent, both thereputic and disruptive.  It's a roller coaster, and although there are points where my stomach drops and I am digging deep with my nails into the handle bars, I am loving every moment of the ride.  

BTW.....I still don't fit into that "black dress," I only have about 2 weeks to shrink another inch or so, wish me LUCK!

Prior to having surgery, I remember reflecting back and wondering at what point I would feel confident in my skin again and I was pretty sure it would be when I was on or around my Freshman college weight.  In college I was still fairly "thick" But still "normal" enough that guys hit on me and I felt okay about myself most of the time.  Well, I am less than 10 pounds from that weight (Currently 189 and in college about 180, wearing a size 14 and fitting in them easily) and last night when I went out to a local bar I was feeling pretty damn good.  Not only did I feel good, but I must have looked pretty decent too because I was getting flirted with all evening.  I have noticed quite a bit lately that men have been much more "friendly,"  old and young, handsome and ugly, it doesn't  much matter, they are more willing to hold open a door, say hello when I pass, or just give me a warm smile.   It's a bit of a ego trip and I would be lying to say that I am not enjoying it.  Don't get me wrong, I have a long way to go, but to feel accepted again is nice.  I have always thought myself to be a pretty girl, but to know that others can see what I have always felt makes life much sweeter. 

Ps. I have a size 12 HOT Black dress that I am wanting to wear in June to a wedding....WISH ME LUCK!!!!!!!

I just bought a pair of size 14 pants.....whoop whoop!  Now granted they are Old Navy and things there tend to run a bit big BUT still, size 14 is sooooooo normal-ish!  

Just so everyone knows I am no longer a 200plus-er!!!!!!  I weighed myself this morning to pleasantly see 198 (AND my scale weighs on the heavy side!!!!) .   That brings my total weight loss to 44 pounds.  One more pound and I should be half way to my goal weight.  Sorry, I am not trying to brag (okay maybe a little), but I am really really really excited!!!

Still Stuck at 202----GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!