ladyblue3

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Six months out and the  changes are amazing. So many, here’s my list:

1.       I  now feel like a regular old fat person

2.       I’m sometimes not the biggest person in the room

3.       I can shop at department stores

4.       I like the way I look in dresses and skirts

5.       I can move

6.       I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been in

7.       No prescription meds

8.       I can cross my legs

9.       I can move my car seat forward and still be comfortable

10.   The seatbelt no longer strangles me

11.   I’m wearing a size 22/24 (never ever have I seen those numbers)

12.   I’m within 5 pounds of my lowest adult weight

13.   I have more confidence

14.   I have the courage to tackle some of my issues

15.   I can make it through an entire spin class

16.   I actually took a spin class

17.   I can flex my bicep and actually see some movement

18.   I fit into life

19.   Weight limits on furniture are passing thoughts instead of an anxiety causing obsession

20.   I can borrow clothes from my friends (first time ever)

21.   I know I will be successful and I can picture myself at my goal

22.   No seat belt extender needed on a plane

23.   My towels fit all the way around me

24.   I can see my collarbones

25.   I ran!

26.   My office chair no longer creaks nor drops a few inches when I sit in it

27.   No joint pain upon waking

28.   My friend asked me if I wanted to do a 5k with her

29.   I can wear clothes because I like them and not just because they fit

30.   I feel good!

There’s more but that’s all I can think of for now.

Happy New Year! I am so excited for 2009, more excited than I’ve been these last few years. The funny thing is I felt this excitement and anticipation at the end of 2007.  I guess I just had a feeling that big changes were coming, and come they did.  I am 100 pounds down as of 12/31/08 , I’ve cut off all my hair and I am choosing to end a relationship.

1.      1.  100 pounds down. I don’t know that I can even put into words what that means. I didn’t completely hate myself when I weighed over 400 pounds, but I hated how hard my life was. I hated that I couldn’t move without pain, I hated that I didn’t “fit”.  I hated that I didn’t have energy and that I felt like life was passing me by. Some parts of life are still passing me by and that’s okay for now (all things in their own time), but I get up from bed and there’s no pain. I don’t stumble to the bathroom, happy that I will be sitting in a few seconds. I can get up from the floor easier and I have more energy for my kids at work.  I still don’t know if I fit everywhere, but I feel like I do. I feel like a normal fat person, a regular old big girl. Having been super morbidly obese, at times I felt like a freak show.

2.     2.   My hair. I’ve had my locs (dread locks) for 8 ½ years. I (well my friend helped me) cut them all off two days ago. It shouldn’t seem like a big deal, but it is. For some reason, my eyes are welling up now as I type this. I haven’t cried about my hair and I didn’t intend to. It’s hair, it grows back. But the things I’ve experienced with that hair are what I think I’m shedding tears for. When I  started them, I was a very insecure kid of 22.  I had graduated college the year before and was living this “grown up” life.  This hair saw me through a very painful confrontation with my Dad, discovering myself as a sexual person, having my heart broken and surviving one of my worst bouts of depression.  It also saw me through some amazing times. Moving from PA to FL and then later moving to CA, meeting two of my very best friends and being the first person in my family to graduate with a Master’s degree. My locs held these memories and maybe it’s just symbolic, but cutting them really feels like I’m letting a lot of these go.  And surprisingly, it really does feel like a part of me is gone (not really gone though, just sitting in a bag on my dresser).

3.     3.  Ending a relationship. I’ve been seeing a guy off and on for the past two years. There’s been a few times that I’ve tried to end the relationship and divest myself of him. He’s not a bad person, in fact he’s a sweetheart who can be very lovable. We’re just not right for each other. He wants children, I don’t. He’s content staying home, I want to go out.  He is content being comfortable and doing the same thing, I want to explore all aspects of myself. We’ve been each other’s weapon against loneliness which is not what I want from a romantic relationship. So I think it’s finally done. I didn’t want to hurt him or be hurt. I’ve prayed and hoped that it would end in a way that wasn’t too painful for either one us. I miss him already, but I’m going to leave that door shut and look for the next one that might be open.

So goodbye 2008, goodbye to some painful memories and hello to some new great ones. My hopes for this year are to continue to develop meaningful friendships, make exercise an everyday part of my life and to lose 150 lbs. Wish me luck everyone and send some good vibes my way if you can.

Peace and Love

Okay, so I’m 10 weeks out today and I’m feeling really good.

Its funny my written blogs tend to voice more of my negative feelings whereas my vlogs tend to show a happier less frustrated me. I’m not sure what that’s about. I will say I was feeling upset and unsettled about a week ago. It seemed like out of nowhere I started having really negative thoughts and started doing a lot of negative self talk. I was wishing people ill if they cut me off and started thinking negatively about myself. That is completely not the way I normally am and it threw me for a loop. I was thinking maybe I’m not this happy person I thought I was. Maybe I am really a bitter, mean bitch who’s been deceiving herself into believing that she’s nice and kind. It really was stressing me out. When I finally verbalized all this in a video that I didn’t post, I realized what was going on.  I really think it was just a lack of patience with myself and others. And also all of these hormones running through my body making me feel like a moody teenager.

I’ve been thinking about romantic relationships a lot. I saw an update online of a guy I dated and he is now re-married with an adorable 6 month old son.  Part of me was like , “Thank God, I dodged that bullet.”  Another part was just really sad that none of my romantic goals have come to fruition. I’m still at the same place I was two years ago when I dated him.  Is it because I’m fat? Maybe. But I see (online  at least) all of these supposedly happily married fat women. Do they actually exist? Maybe its just me. Maybe I’m just not a person someone wants to spend forever with or maybe I just haven’t run across the person I want to spend forever with. Whatever it is part of me feels like I need to get really used to being alone, because, if I’m like the women in my family, that’s the way I’ll end up.  

But weight wise I’m feeling good and I’m down almost 100 pounds (97 to be exact). Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m watching paint dry, but I know I’ll get to my goal  and that’s super exciting.

One thing I’ve learned on this journey so far is that people seem to be really uncomfortable when you’re not eating and they are.   I’ve been going out to restaurants since a few days after surgery.  Most of the time, I can find something appropriate, but occasionally I can’t.  And I realize people are truly disturbed by this.  Are they being nice?  Do they feel bad about what they are eating? I don’t quite get it.  Maybe it’s because I have food allergies and have been around people eating food that I know I can’t.   I’m allergic to shellfish and I’m beginning to view certain foods in much the same way that I view lobster, crab and shrimp. Being around people eating shellfish doesn’t bother me.  I could have some if I really wanted, but I’d get extremely sick and possibly die depending on how much I had. I don’t know for sure that I will get sick on a lot of the foods I now avoid, but much like the amazing lobster bisque, that everyone pities me for not being able to try, I going to pass and err on the side of caution. So I went out to eat with a friend and told him about my surgery. He seemed minimally interested, but did ask me what I could eat.  He’s the type of person who truly enjoys food, a foodie. Part of me felt like I was raining on his parade.  He refused to get an ice cream cone or popcorn when I said I couldn’t have any. Maybe it’s the polite thing to do, but it really annoyed me. Have whatever you want, I’m the one that had this surgery. For the rest of my life, I’m going to have to deal with people eating all types of food that I may or may not be able to have and I’m okay with that.

Little known fact, emotions don’t go away with the surgery (maybe its not so little known).  I had a horrible day Monday, it felt like PMS times 10.  Life was horrible, every wrong and sad thing that ever happened to me was further proof of how terrible life was. I was driving and crying (bad combo) and doing my best to bring myself out of my funk.  I don’t even know what caused it. I had been happy, content and excited the whole week prior to that. I got out of my funk by going shopping (I’m not sure that that’s a transfer addiction I can afford). I’ve heard several people at various support groups talk about estrogen and fat and how this process of losing weight quickly is especially emotional due to the hormones.  I can take being emotional, it’s a part of a life, but this is different.  It came out nowhere and spiraled so quickly into a weird depression that I had a really hard time bringing myself out of.  But all the while I was feeling this way, I was telling myself that this is weird and I never feel this badly this quickly. I basically tried to rationalize the whole thing and that didn’t really even help.  While it was happening, I was feeling so snacky and was very aware that I could not eat these feelings away. I’m hoping I’ll be able to predict the next one or at least be able to work through it quicker. If not, then I need to get my wallet ready because I will be shopping.

So I've been the same weight for the past 5 days.  Intellectually I am able to understand the whole body catching up, starvation things, but it stilll messes with my head.  I know this is normal and from the posts I've found here and videos I've seen on youtube I know it can really mess with your head.  I'm not having buyer's remorse, but I'm not even three weeks post op and I'm eating about 500 calories a day.  How is it possible to maintain 346 pounds on 500 calories? I know, I know, its the magic of the body holding onto everything. Its still sucks.  I'm going to up my water intake because I need to and start being more active.  I don't really think that will help, it kind of feels like when the stars align and my body is ready, then it will lose this weight.  And you know what else is kind of pissing me off.  A doctor at my program said that stallls were people eating too many calories. Ummm how long have you been in bariatrics.  My program is very rigid, which works for me on some levels, but me not losing weight for the past 5 days has nothing to do with eating too many calories.  I can't even wrap my brain around eating 2000 calories, let alone probably the 3000 it would take to maintain this weight. Deep breath and keep plugging away, my body will catch up :)

Someone posed this question to me in an email. Here is the question and my response.

One more........... does it feel kinda anti-climatic??? I mean, you have WORKED so hard to get to this point.......... and then, boom, you have the surgery, and whammo............. nothing............ you are on your own......... no more hoops to jump, no more worries about getting denied.......... its just you and your pouch.. and what you two can do together....... How does that feel? You aren't dependant on the surgeons office, or your GPs office, or the therapists office, or the dietitions office...... How does that feel????? Scary....... relief....... a "what now" feeling???

-         It doesn’t feel anti-climatic, it feels like I can finally breath again.  It feels like I’ve been holding my breath through the whole process and now I can exhale, because its done and no one can take it away from me.  No one will say my surgery is cancelled because I gained a pound, no one will say I’m not psychologically ready for this. No more hoops to jump through.  Its me and my pouch and we’re both learning to live with each other. It feels awesome not to be dependent on these random people for my future. It feels great. There’s no “what now” feeling, it’s just excitement at all the changes to come. I’m not feeling any post-surgery depression or anything like that, I’m really just happy, feeling good and looking forward to the next months, years, decades.

So there are a few things I want to write about. 1. My experience at the office yesterday. 2. Things I never want to forget about being 400 lbs. 3. General thoughts.

1.       So I was in the office yesterday and saw K.  She wasn’t quite acting like herself and I asked how she was doing, but didn’t really probe.  My guess was that she was anxious about something at the center, maybe a meeting. I could be wrong.  Anyway I’m telling her about one of my kids because I really wanted to give her an update and I could tell she was listening but not really engaged and I started to feel bad.  I started to feel like maybe she was upset with me or that I was boring her for some reason. Then I started thinking she must be upset at something else and my anxiety started to go up.  I did tell myself that it probably had nothing to do with me.  But I wanted to eat so badly after that.  I could not stop thinking of food and part of me was like I need to get out of here. That’s so crazy when I read and type this.  That triggered a need to eat/binge. I am just realizing how all pervasive this eating-emotion thing is in my life.  Then I went to the fridge to see if my fake chicken nuggets were there and they were.  I was about to pig out, but I don’t want to end my fast like this.  I’m better than this eating disorder, I know this. I know this, I know this.  The master cleanse has been a blessing in disguise. No more worrying about food, calories, protein, weights. Its been wonderful and I think its given me some perspective I would not have been able to get otherwise.  BED is me, its such a part of me that I don’t realize much of my eating is fueled by emotion. How do I avoid emotions, How do I avoid the office, how do I avoid other feelings when I work with people? I think I’m so sensitive to how other people are feeling that I start to feel the same emotion. Its like osmosis  or a slightly damp sponge absorbing more water.  I can’t do that anymore. I won’t.  I started to feel insecure when I left L’s house yesterday.  What if I’m not good enough?  Am I not doing anything for this child?  They are probably comparing me to MB.  I stopped those thoughts and started thinking, I’m doing the best that I can do. And right now that’s the best for her.

2.       There are some things I never want to forget about being so fat.  I never want to be that thin person who looks down on a fat person because I’m not there anymore.  It was hard and it still is.

a.       Plantar fasciitis – waking up, barely being able to walk, making sure I stretch my foot before I get out of bed, making sure I had shoes at the side of my bed for when I wake up, not being able to walk barefoot, not being able to wear flip-flops

b.      Pain when I stood up- having to play off not being able to walk right away.  Pain in my hip, having to kind of stretch it out or sway when I got up so no one would see me limp for the first few steps. Pretending to get something on my desk after I stood up or pretending to stretch so my hips legs could get used to the weight again. I never ever want to forget that.  I’m never going back, but it was such a part of my life. Such a sad part.

c.       Asking for a seatbelt extender- I was okay doing this, because I had to do what I had to do, but it was a pain in the ass. Feeling like people were checking out the fat girl who couldn’t fit.

d.      The look of disgust on men’s faces. God that still sort of burns when I think of it. It was the moment a guy thought about having sex with me or something that was inappropriate.  I could see it. R and M and probably countless others.  I may see it again because I won’t be everyone’s cup of tea.

e.      The struggle to find cute clothing at a size 32, 34.

f.        Making myself uncomfortable so others could be comfortable.

3.       This is work. For the rest of my life this will be conscious work, it may get easier or harder after the surgery, but it will be work to stay healthy.  But then again its work for J and S too.

I was about to break the fast with whatever food I had around yesterday. I was feeling what I thought was true hunger, but I think I was just really stressed that I may not be able to see the CM on Monday. There are some tests I need to complete that I was either completely unaware of or completely forgot.  I was trying to let go and let god and at the time I had no idea why I wanted to eat so badly.  One of the things that stopped me was that I really wanted to do this fast for 10 days and that it was after 10pm and I really do not want to get into the habit of late night snacking. God this monster ( the binge eating monster) seems like a huge beast to tackle.  I think I’m just starting to realize how much work this actually is. I can’t just get this surgery and think that everything will be okay.  This is real work, like for real, real work. Maybe that’s why I didn’t have my appt last month. Maybe I wasn’t ready to face how hard this is truly going to be. I’m always wanting someone else to fix my problems, but this time it will really be all me. I have to be ready for the ugly, the hurt, the loneliness, frustration, sadness, all of that. That’s what I have to be willing to experience to get through this. I’m reading Eating in the light of the moon.  One of my new strategies will be to read a chapter before I allow myself to binge or to eat something I know I’m not really wanting.  

copied from my LiveJournal

Okay, so today was my first appointment with the bariatric program at Kaiser Richmond.  I was excited to go, I was looking forward to all they had to say.  During the meeting I began to feel a little anxious.  The changes they want you to make are no joke.  Only 3 meals a day for the rest of your life.  No alcohol.  No chewing gum, no rice/bread.  Eat lots of protein.  I felt so unsettled when I left there.  Part of me was like this is ridiculous.  There has to be an easier/better way.  Do I really need to make these drastic changes to my diet for the rest of my life.  only drinking a swallow of water every five minutes for the rest of my life.  No more snacks.  God I'm not even sure of the other stuff they said, I just know I felt this huge band of resistance building as I sat there.  I was perhaps the biggest person in there.  I don't know.  I know I will be thin.  I know it will be something I will maintain for the rest of my life.  I know I'll put on those size 8 jeans and be like oh my god.  I know this is the during times, not quite the before times and not quite the after.

I got home and really started to think about how I was feeling.  I was not feeling good.  I saw Zora at blockbuster with Xander and I just didn't feel like talking.  Part of me felt bad because I was getting movies to go home and watch them alone, while she was going to be with her boyfriend.  I felt bad for feeling like that too.  I really am happy for her, almost to the point of tears.  I know this is something she's wanted and I am so happy that something she's wished for is finally here.  I'm not jealous, I'm not angry, I'm just happy and excited for her.  I wish her and Xander years of happiness. But at that moment I kind of felt like where's my boyfriend, how sad of me to be renting movies to sit at home alone and watch, but it really isn't sad.  Its actually pretty wonderful.  I have the resources to rent a movie, I have the resources to watch a movie.  I have the luxury of having time and space to think and be with my thoughts and myself. 

And that time has helped me to process what and how I was feeling.  I listened to Abrahams (Esther) Rampage of Invincibility and it all felt so right.  Me losing weight will take a lifelong commitment and big change.  Maybe lapband is it, maybe it isn't.  All I know is that it felt right, it felt good when I decided to give it a shot.  It felt right.  I didn't feel the anxiousness that I felt at the meeting.  I felt like 'okay, this is what I have to do'.  So I'm going to do what Abraham says and go with the stream.  I am on my boat/raft/yacht flowing with my current as it leads me to the life I am/have created for myself.  So, yeah I'm going to do this.  It feels right, it feels good, I feel excited.  I can't wait to see where this particular journey takes me.  I have a feeling its going to be a hell of a ride and an unimaginably fantastic destination.  So wish me luck.  Universe, help me to trust and to resist the tempataion to start paddling upstream.  Help me to Let Go and Let God.