ladyblue3
Hello 2009
Jan 03, 2009
Happy New Year! I am so excited for 2009, more excited than I’ve been these last few years. The funny thing is I felt this excitement and anticipation at the end of 2007. I guess I just had a feeling that big changes were coming, and come they did. I am 100 pounds down as of 12/31/08 , I’ve cut off all my hair and I am choosing to end a relationship.
1. 1. 100 pounds down. I don’t know that I can even put into words what that means. I didn’t completely hate myself when I weighed over 400 pounds, but I hated how hard my life was. I hated that I couldn’t move without pain, I hated that I didn’t “fit”. I hated that I didn’t have energy and that I felt like life was passing me by. Some parts of life are still passing me by and that’s okay for now (all things in their own time), but I get up from bed and there’s no pain. I don’t stumble to the bathroom, happy that I will be sitting in a few seconds. I can get up from the floor easier and I have more energy for my kids at work. I still don’t know if I fit everywhere, but I feel like I do. I feel like a normal fat person, a regular old big girl. Having been super morbidly obese, at times I felt like a freak show.
2. 2. My hair. I’ve had my locs (dread locks) for 8 ½ years. I (well my friend helped me) cut them all off two days ago. It shouldn’t seem like a big deal, but it is. For some reason, my eyes are welling up now as I type this. I haven’t cried about my hair and I didn’t intend to. It’s hair, it grows back. But the things I’ve experienced with that hair are what I think I’m shedding tears for. When I started them, I was a very insecure kid of 22. I had graduated college the year before and was living this “grown up” life. This hair saw me through a very painful confrontation with my Dad, discovering myself as a sexual person, having my heart broken and surviving one of my worst bouts of depression. It also saw me through some amazing times. Moving from PA to FL and then later moving to CA, meeting two of my very best friends and being the first person in my family to graduate with a Master’s degree. My locs held these memories and maybe it’s just symbolic, but cutting them really feels like I’m letting a lot of these go. And surprisingly, it really does feel like a part of me is gone (not really gone though, just sitting in a bag on my dresser).
3. 3. Ending a relationship. I’ve been seeing a guy off and on for the past two years. There’s been a few times that I’ve tried to end the relationship and divest myself of him. He’s not a bad person, in fact he’s a sweetheart who can be very lovable. We’re just not right for each other. He wants children, I don’t. He’s content staying home, I want to go out. He is content being comfortable and doing the same thing, I want to explore all aspects of myself. We’ve been each other’s weapon against loneliness which is not what I want from a romantic relationship. So I think it’s finally done. I didn’t want to hurt him or be hurt. I’ve prayed and hoped that it would end in a way that wasn’t too painful for either one us. I miss him already, but I’m going to leave that door shut and look for the next one that might be open.
So goodbye 2008, goodbye to some painful memories and hello to some new great ones. My hopes for this year are to continue to develop meaningful friendships, make exercise an everyday part of my life and to lose 150 lbs. Wish me luck everyone and send some good vibes my way if you can.
Peace and Love
