LAETJENNIFER
I am sure my story is similar to most. I have battled my weight since I was a young child. I remember when relatives would tell me that I could lose weight if I just ate half of everything I would under normal circumstances. When I was six I remember my step-mother making me do jumping-jacks while she laughed at me and squeezed my stomach and telling me how fat I was. I remember as a child wishing I could just cut-off my blubbery stomach. At 14 I went on a diet with my best friend Lea. She and I spent nearly our entire Summer vacation at her house measuring our food and living for our next meal. That Summer I managed to lose about 40 pounds. For the first time I felt beautiful. I loved wearing cute clothes. I loved the attention I got from boys. I was confident. I did everything better - even by grades shot up. By my Junior year in high school I had put on most of the weight I lost but that was likely do to the fact I also grew several inches. After putting on about 30 of those lost pounds I developed IBS. Because of the symptoms I was quite limited in my food choices; omitting pork, red meat, dairy, and fried foods. As a result, I lost 20 to 25 pounds. My weight stabilized at 173. I remained at this weight for several years. Nothing I did would allow me to get below this weight. At one point I became an exercise fanatic; spending hours on my bicycle or doing step-aerobics or other exercise videos. For a very short period I was able to get to 155. That lasted about a week. From there my weight went back to 173.
My Senior year in undergrad was a nightmare. I was working, I was doing an internship, and taking 18 credits. I was ALWAYS at my internship or on campus as my work was also on campus. I became addicted to Oreo ice cream sandwiches. I had one about everyday. I also ate other junk food that was available on campus. Inevitably, I gained over twenty-five pounds in less than three months!
I remember going on the scale and seeing 197. I was shocked. I said to myself, "I can't let myself get to 200." I was there within a few weeks. When I saw 203 on the scale, I told my boyfriend that I NEEDED to join a gym. I did, I went, I even had a personal trainer. I killed myself by keeping my fat intake below 10% and avoiding carbs. It didn't work. I didn't lose a pound. I tried weight-watchers for months. I was able to get back to 197. After feeling as if I failed because I only lost 7 pounds in MONTHS I couldn't take it anymore and quit. During the years of 2001 to 2003 I tried dozens of diets. Most from books or tapes that I found at Barnes and Noble. Nothing worked.
By the time I started law school I was at 213. I went back on weight-watchers. During my first semester I was able to get back to 199. Again, that lasted about a day or two. I was on a diet throughout law school. Somehow, I managed to gain weight. My second year I shot all the way up to 225. I was in horror. I had only three or four shirts that I could fit into and two pairs of pants. But, I was too broke to buy any new clothes. Once I rummaged through the clearance bin a Bealles, desparate to find something that fit. Everything I could fit into was god awful and looked as though it was made for a 2nd grade teacher. It was awful. That year too I had to purchase a suit for classes. I was forced to purchase the suit at "The Dress Barn." I was disgusted that the store had the word "Barn" in it as though I was cattle. A "fat cow" is what I thought to myself. I was so embarrassed when someone asked me where I got the suit. I couldn't tell them the "Dress Barn." I said something like, "It was a gift from my mother."
After seeing that terrifying number 242 I was constantly on a diet. I tried following the diet outlined in the book "Eat to Live." I respected the principals and research, but I just couldn't follow the diet. I tried the diet by Dr. Weil, and Atkins. I tried weight-watchers --- AGAIN. I managed to diet back down to 215. Then I went back to mom's for a month during vacation and shot all the way up to 242!!! I could not believe it. It defied logic: How could I have gained so much weight so fast?
I then started weightwatchers - again - to no avail. I then went to nutrisystem. I lost a few pounds but that was likely because the food caused loose bowel movements. I doubt it was because the diet actually worked. I got tired of constantly having to run to the bathroom with a second's notice and changed my diet to MediFast. I was on the 5 and 1 plan for about four months - my entire last semester. I lost 12 pounds. At graduation in December 2005 my weight was about 217.
During this past year my weight crept back up to 225. I have tried and tried. I am tired of failure when my efforts have been substantial. I have spent the last 5 years of my life as an obese woman. I do not want that label attached to me for 6. Weightloss Surgery is my next option.
All I do know is that my weight torments me as it is all I think about. When I am in front of a jury I truly believe they are looking at me and how fat I am instead of listening to my arguments. Judges and other attorneys treat me differently EVERY day. It seems that someone calls me "cute" while on the record in the middle of a hearing on a daily basis. Is that who I have become? The cute-fat girl? I want my confidence back. I want my health back. I want to come home after a day in high heels and not be in agony. I do not want diabetes or high blood pressure or other comorbidities. I want to feel 26: young and healthy.
