lakergirl
9/29/05
I have been thinking and researching this surgery for over a year now, but can't believe it is finally on its way to happening! I have a consult with the surgeon set for next week, and I am waiting to schedule my psych evaluation. My counselor has told me that once those are completed it should take about 4 weeks to get approval from my insurance. In fact, I will get a tentative surgery date at my consult meeting!!
Ecstatic, nervous, thrilled, apprehensive, tingling with anticipation and downright scared.
I can't believe I am finally going to do this! My life is about to change and I am READY!
9/30/05
OK, so I am annoyed because I keep having to follow up with the coordinator for my surgeon (who i have not even met yet). After my initial consultation with the coordinator a few months ago, I put everything on hold because of a $$ issue -- then a couple of weeks ago, out of the blue, my job gave me a $3,500 bonus (whoo hoo). At that point, it was on -- I called the coordinator within the hour. Since then, she keeps telling me she'll call me within a day with the psych eval appointment, but she never calls. Earlier this week (Mon or Tues), after I left her 3 messages, she called with my consultation appointment with my surgeon, and, once AGAIN, told me she would call me by later that day with an appointment with their psych person. It's now FRIDAY people! I left a message for her yesterday, but still have heard nothing. I want to get it done quickly because my co-worker is going on vacation and it's going to suck that I have to wait until she gets back! Arggghhh.
A little about me: I am 32 and I have never been SKINNY, but I was always just 15 or 20 lbs overweight, whereas now I'm about 140 lbs overweight. How did that happen, you might ask? My answer, I sometimes have no freaking clue. Mostly I think there is a large convaluted story that involves my low self esteem and a man. What a surprise, huh?! lolol. Speaking of men, I do have a very complicated and rewarding and frustrating and loving and terrific and strange relationship with my boyfriend of 10 years (with a year and a half broken up...this is our second time around). And yes, he would be the man referenced above! I admit, knowing how much he didn't like my gaining weight, I think I sometimes ate just to spite him.
Anyway, at this point he has been super supportive and has been really great. I know I can count on him to be there for me the best way he knows how.
10/4/05
OK, so here I am with more complaints about my surgeon (who I have not even MET yet!). My mom really wants me to go to this particular surgeon who is affiliated with a particular hospital where she knows the Chief of Surgery. That seems logical, but the more I feel like they are dropping the ball, the more I might be open to widening the possibilities. I am getting great support and info from the people here at OH. I'm SO glad I found this board. Once I actually have the surgery I think I'll be even more thankful.
I'm getting excited at the possiblity that this should go really fast once I have the appointments done. As far as I understand it, my insurance should have no issues with approving me and I know it can happen within days so....anticipation !!! I am a bit nervous about telling my damn job. I know it's not going to be a problem, they are very supportive, but in the beginning it's not necessarily a thing I want to go blabbing to everyone. I think there are definitely those out there that have their own, shall we say, OPINIONS, about WLS (usually those that have never had an internal battle with a donut -- or a dozen donuts -- in their lives). It'll be interesting to see who will judge and who will be there.
10/11/05
So now I have a picture, thank you very much! I can't believe I weigh 314 lbs. About 2 years ago I lost 54 lbs and got myself down to 247, and then I just stopped, and started eating again, and now I've ballooned over 300 lbs! I have never weighed this much, and it's just another indicator that I can't do it like this anymore. I need the surgery to stop myself from eating to death! If I am forced to change my lifestyle, I am praying that I will be able to keep it up.
O lordie, I just so stressed right now. I have sooooo much going on. I have made a financial mess of my life, in addition to everything else that's going on. Also, mostly because of this financial mess I've made of myself, the bonus I got from work that I'm going to use to have the surgery is being partly used for other stuff, so I am looking into less expensive surgical options than Dr. Clayton, who I have had my consult with. If I wanted to pay $3k, I could have possibly had my surgery on 11/11/05 (only one month away! how tempting), but I just can't afford that, so I'm going to a symposium next week for a different doctor (Dr. LeMar). He is with a group called CSS in Arcadia, CA, and I am hoping that I like him so I can move forward!!
11/4/05
OK, so on 11/8/05 I have my actual surgical consult with Dr. LeMar, who I really liked when I saw him speak at the symposium back in October. During the symposium, he said that a surgery date is about 6-8 weeks after the consult date, so I am hopeful that I can get a date early, early January. I would prefer to get through Xmas and New Years pre-op anyway, rather than have all my friends go out for New Years and me stay home with a protein shake. Then I can really start my life over from a fresh place, a new year, literally and figuratively.
I can't wait to just get it done though. I feel like everything is on hold..I especially don't want to spend too much on clothes or shoes or anything else that I know is going to go to waste. My Dear BF is probably sick of me talking about it and just wants me to do it! lol...Also, I just notice every fat thing about myself all the time now, even more so than when I was in denail before. I am even more disgusted by my thighs, for instance, or by the way I sometimes can hear myself breathing cuz of all this lard stressing out my organs. Which reminds me of my dad...when my dad used to take me to movies for my "dad weekends" after my parents got divorced, I could always hear him breathing and it really was a huge pet peeve of mine. To know that now I'M that big and I am the heavy breather is just extremely depressing. In any case...four more days until my next step!! :-)
11/14/05
So, I had my surgical consult last week. I actually got a little freaked out knowing that I'm going through with this and that I will be making the decision to change my life forever. Although I'm unhappy with the results of living such an unhealthy lifestyle, it has sort of been fun to LIVE it, ya know? Eating what I want, when I want, since I'm fat anyway. And now I know that's all going to change very, very soon.
I have my psych consult on Wednesday, so hopefully that will go well. I'm not really nervous - - should I be? I don't know. I can't imagine how they would stop me from doing this. I think of myself as a pretty sane person, and I have thought about this and researched it for a long time. Plus it is a doctor referred by my surgeon's office, so I would assume they have to be pro-WLS, not one of those horror story psychiatrists I have read about on some profiles that judge the procedure.
The worst part right now is that my doctor wants me to quit smoking ASAP. Quitting smoking is fine, I have wanted to do it for awhile, I think it's just that I am being FORCED into it somehow. I know that's just silly. It is obviously better for me in the longrun, as well as just for the surgery itself. I WANT to do it. I'm just scared, I think, of depriving myself of one more thing. I feel like it will be forever after the surgery before I feel normal again. All the things I love to do: eat, have some drinks with friends (while smoking), will be taken away from me. I don't want to fall into some depression about it. Well, I guess I will probably save a bunch of money from it, at least. See, I'm trying to look on the positive side. It is HARD right now.
11/17/05 - Getting closer...
OK...I went to my psych evaluation yesterday and all went WELL!! The therapist totally said I was a great candidate, and that a lot of my strengths were going to help me after the surgery. Strengths being the ability to cope with stress well, the fact that I am an organized person who knows how to keep up with the details and multitask, the fact that I'm a logical thinker. Those are all good things, and I really see them in my "work" self, but sometimes it's harder to see them in my personal self, where I feel a bit more scatterbrained. I am glad she has faith in my though -- considering I am up and down a lot of days as to whether I really will be any good at all of this or whether I will be an absolute wreck!!
It was interesting talking to her though, about when I really first started using food to fill some sort of emotional void. I related a memory I had after my parents separated and we moved to a different town -- I was so extremely shy back then, and my parents were separated, and I had NO friends in this new city, and I was sort of a latch key kid at the age of 8, and I remember sitting on my couch, watching TV and eating brown sugar out of the box. She sort of put it all together and said, well, no wonder you were eating brown sugar. And it was sort of a real obvious Ah ha moment that I had never considered before. I have such a crappy relationship with my dad that I never really remember being too upset at my parents for separating, and later divorcing. But I was EIGHT, so I had to have been feeling it, and probably covering it up with FOOD. Duhhhhh. Emotional eating, anyone?
In any case, it was sort of nice to sit there and talk to her -- maybe I should start seeing a regular therapist. Once she got started on my relationship with my dad, boy, I could have gone on for hours about that and how it affected my self-esteem and future relationships with men.
Long story long, though...she will have the report into my surgeon's office by Wednesday, Nov. 23. That gets me one big step closer to an actual surgery date. They need the psych eval and the insurance approval. I hope I get both next week. I have no idea what is going on with my insurance, but I have so much going on as well that I don't really feel like calling unless I have to.
OK...I guess I should go back to work now. I am feeling extremely guilty that I spend too much work time on this site. I am really trying to limit it to lunch time. I still need to tell my work about the surgery...In terms of work, it's not coming at a good time because I need to do a lot of the end of the year financial stuff.
Okie dokie...this was a long update for me!! Talk later...
11/21/05
I still feel like I'm just a baby in this process, but it's so interesting to re-read what I have written and remember my mindset back then, when I first wrote down a single word on this profile. Not only am I closer in the process now, I just feel more comfortable with it. I just can't wait for all of this work I'm putting in to come to fruition!!
So I went shopping this weekend. I keep telling myself I'm not to buy any more clothes or shoes, but I just have the shopping bug!! This time, I bought three pairs of shoes, BUT, I bought them at Payless, so it's not a big deal. Still though, I constantly think about how fun shopping will be AFTER I begin to lose weight. The thought of shopping in a normal store, which I haven't been able to do for years and years, is something I almost can't imagine. Yet, if all goes well it will be something I can do again. That thought is exhilerating.
All right...back to work...
11/28/05
As of today, I have quit smoking. So, my last cigarette was before I went to bed last night, which was around 12:30 am. I am now completely restless and want one soooooo bad. I keep thinking of other things to do, such as, I wanted to go to Michaels and pick up some craft stuff to do for the holidays. But now I find out that I'm completely broke until payday, which thank goodness is on Wednesday. Only two more days of brokeness. I didn't expect to be this broke. I guess I just kept spending my money and spending my money without really realizing what I was doing. I do that sometimes. It's probably how I got fat to begin with...just kept eating and eating and being in denial about how much I was gaining.
Crap...also, as of today I called my surgeon's office and they still haven't heard back from my insurance. I want to know WTF is going on because it's been a long time now, and everyone has assured me that Blue Cross PPO is a breeze. If something happens and they don't approve me I will have a freaking coronary, I swear. I will scream and throw things, and I really think it might get ugly. ;-) So, they better just get their act together and approve my damn surgery already.
I have got to keep my mind of the ciggies....
I have got to keep my mind of the ciggies....
I have got to keep my mind of the ciggies....
It's driving me BONKERS!! This is totally unfair. Argh!!!
12/1/05
Today is day four of quitting smoking, and I think I might have turned a corner. For instance, today, after lunch, I only briefly had a vision of me bumming a smoke from someone in my building's smoking area downstairs. Usually this vision is so clear and arresting I feel it overpowering me until I guzzle down water, candy and nicorette gum until the wooziness passes. Today, I came upstairs, had some water, and it really wasn't that bad.
Have I actually turned a corner after only three days (today is number four)? After 15 years of non-stop smoking that's rather amazing. Not like I don't still miss 'em...whooo eeee...do I still miss 'em, but I am feeling rather sane today!! No postal worker left in me!!
Thanks so much for the FANTASTIC, WONDERFUL, AWE-INSPIRING support from all of you guys!! I get a little teary-eyed thinking about it because you guys probably didn't realize just how much I needed it.
Thanks so much...big HUGS to each and every one of you!
12/13/05
Well, I am just not very good at this damn updating my profile thing. There are a number of things to talk about. First, On December 3, I went for a half day to the OH convention in Costa Mesa. I wanted to go for the whole day, but things didn't work out. However, I met a couple of people face-to-face: Mary Ann, Cindy R., Stacie, Celia (CL) and Sylvia was there. We met at Dr. LaMar's symposium. I am so happy for her...she has her consultation with Dr. LaMar on January 3!!
Second, and most importantly, I GOT A DATE!!!! Heidi in Dr. LaMar's office called and I just kind of froze. I was like, WTF? I know this was going to happen but it wasn't supposed to just....HAPPEN, was it?! LOLOL...But it has, it has. And I am so excited.
I went in a on December 6 for my pre-op tests, which basically were an EKG, a chest X-ray, and abdominal ultrasound and an Upper GI. The Upper GI was not the most pleasant test, but it was not as bad as i had been led to believe. I had to drink these pop-rock type things that fizzed all around and wash it down with water. Then I had to take big gulps of this thick malty thing that tasted like lemon flavored cake (yuck). Then I had to twist all around to have it coat my stomach. I had my jeans around my hips and these hospital gowns flapping as I tried to do a big 360, and it was like "AHOY, BIG GIRL IS MOVING! BACK UP!" Also, I am 312 and she told me the table has a weight max of 300. That's just great. Thanks, nurse lady! She tells me this right after she tells me that the table will be moving me into Hannibal Lector like positions and moving from the horozontal to the vertical and I'm just supposed to ride it like a roller coaster. Oh right, a roller coaster I'm to FAT for. Great!! Thanks a bunch.
So, after that I went to a nutritionist class. It was really rather boring because we mostly just went over the extensive handout I'd already gotten from the doctor re when and what to do and eat after surgery. So she didn't really give me too much more info. But, it was required and now it's one more thing to check off the list.
I have 27 more days until surgery!! WHOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOO!
12/21/05
OK, I'm back again. I am on this site 24/7, but for some reason it's hard to update my profile. I guess I think my profile is pretty damn boring compared to a lot of the really interesting ones on this site. Mine might be more so if I just wrote, huh? Let's see...I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow because: (1) Dr. LaMar thought it be best if I was checked out by my regular doctor before surgery, and (2) I have had this persistant cough AND I have been having a really hard time sleeping lately. Sleeping has NEVER been a problem for me. Never. Oversleeping and being late to work has, and I am generally a night owl who would stay up until 2 or 3 if I didn't have to do anything the next day, but lately I am not sleeping well at ALL. And it has really affected my work life. I am having a hard time staying awake at work, first of all. I actually went into the bathroom the other day and took a little nap on the toilet. I jerked awake when someone opened the main door and shuffled around like I was just finishing up and flushing...lol...I am such a dork. This is a little bit TMI, isn't it? lol
Anyway, the tired thing is really actually making me nervous. I am basically a healthy person -- what if, right before surgery, they find something wrong with me that somehow delays surgery? That would royally suck. I am sure that I probably am having problems due to anxiety, but it's weird, I don't feel anxious about the surgery at all, so it it's anxiety it's a really stealthy kind.
So, by the way, Helen H. (aka LA Dodgergirl) is my Angel, and she has been doing a great job. I was so happy that she offered and I'm glad to know there is someone specific to ask all the silly questions to!
My mom has been super supportive of this whole thing, but I am not really sure that she gets the severity of it. The drastic nature of the surgery has certainly been knocked into my head. I understand and I am ready!! My mom, though, I don't know...somehow she and my BF and my non-OH friends just don't seem to get it. They either think it's TOO drastic or else they don't seem to get the drastic nature of it at all. Or maybe I'm just hard to please. I think my BF would say that was the one.
I see my reflection everywhere and I just tell myself...6 months! Imagine what I'll look like in 6 months!! I can't wait. I don't want to set all these lofty goals for myself and then be disappointed if my body decides to be slow loser, but I have to say, I really hope I lose fast. I don't care that losing slow might be better on the skin -- I JUST WANT THE FAT GONE!
19 more days and counting!!
12/29/05
OK, so thank goodness that Christmas has come and gone. I love the holiday, I really do, but it is so much stress and work to prepare for all of the family, making sure everyone is included or has a gift, making the rounds at all the parties, as I am a pre-op, balancing between wanting to eat everything that I will not get ot eat soon and not wanting to gain any weight before my final weigh in on Jan. 3. My BF and I had a great Xmas until the eveing of, when he and I decided to go out and have drinks. Boy, I had a few drinks too many and I kind of freaked out near the end of the night. My reason for the freakout was valid, I just wished that I had handled it differently. So anyway, he was totally pissed at me the next day, and ended up staying home while I went to Las Vegas to see my mother and my brother and his two kids. I LOVE my niece and nephew. They are the cutest, coolest, greatest kids ever to walk the face the earth.
Now I am back at work, then I just have to get through New Years and, SNAP, I am going to have a lightning quick week next week I am sure before surgery. YIKES!!!
YIKES!!
YIKES!!
YIKES!!
I am excited. I got a big basket of protein samples which should be here tomorrow. I need to get my vitamins too. Then on Tuesday I pay the surgeon and get my bloodwork done. THEN, on January 9 I am there as a real live patient. It'll be the first time I ever spend the night at a hospital so, that's strange too. My mom got me a real nice set of PJ's for the hospital though. Thanks mom!!!
1/4/06
So, it's the New Year...phew, so much is going on and I don't know where to turn!! I only have two more days left at work to try to make sure things are OK before I go in. My doctor seems to think I can be back at work within the week --- I hve talked to those who have had the surgery who think that's a load of bull. So, at this point I really don't know what to expect!
Last night, a couple of my girlfriends took me out for some drinks since I won't be able to really have many drinks for awhile...they were so cute - they totally surprised me with these gift bags! They had gotten me a fleece blankie, some slippers and, what I thought of as the most thoughtful piece, a journal!! Of course, right now, this is my journal; however, it made me think that they understood what I was doing and what I would be going through, considering that they are both non-WLS. I really got very teary-eyed. I feel so lucky to have such wonderful, supportive friends and family who love me.
I also went in today and paid for my surgery - $1,250.00. Phew, I didn't think I was going to make it, and actually my mom chipped in a good amount so that I DID make it. She is so excited for me...I am so lucky to have such a wonderful parent. She has always supported each decision I've made with gusto and love. I think she especially wants to see this one unfold because she has known how unhappy I've been at this weight, but she hasn't known what to do about it.
Let's see, after paying the docs, I went to the hospital to have them stick me for a BUNCH of vials of blood. First of all, even before I got fat my veins were not the easiest to find. Now that I am the biggest I've ever been, my veins have run for cover and I had to go to TWO nurses and was stuck 3 times before the second nurse finally hit paydirt. It was really gross to see all those vials of my blood sitting on the counter. I have never had that much blood taken out of me, except when I actually gave blood to the Red Cross. I was like, damn, how many tests do they have to do!!?? And wouldn't it suck if they found I had some crazy rare disease and they couldn't do the surgery. I would be P.O.'d as a MFer.
I now have all my protein samples, and will buy my vitamin samples on Saturday. I am also having my "Last Supper" on Friday, January 6. I am hopefully going to meet some more OHers, and my regular partners in crime will be there also. My mom too, but unfortunately my BF has to work and won't be able to come. :-(
I just - want - this -damn - surgery - to - be - over -with!! I want to be a LOSER. PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
1/11/06
OK, well, I've done it! I am officially a LOSER, a post-op, I'm one of the group! Whoooopppeeeeeee! Right? Right....I guess. I mean I am, and I'm happy, really, I am. What I mean is, I'm sure I'll be a lot happier when I see weight loss, and when I get used to this crazy diet.
First thing's first. I had my Last Supper on January 6 at Claimjumper. It was a lot of fun. Let's see, from OH Helen, my angel, was there, so was Sylvia, Mary Ann and her son Matt, Groove Daddy (Gene) and his wife Linda, Lynne and Michelle, Monica and her friend and Kevin. Also, non-OHer's who made it were my great friends Cathie and Michelle, my friend Diana and her BF Tommy and my greatest supporter, my mom. I had filet mignon with baked potato and it kicked ass. Mary Ann suggested that I should have dessert and I didn't, which I totally regret now.
So, that was on a Friday night. Then Saturday I ate lunch from my favorite burger place, and then my mom made Ciopinno for dinner. Ciopinno is a tomato-based seafood concoction over pasta and it kicks ass. It was super yummy. I ate so much that I once again didn't have dessert, which I, once again, totally regret now.
SUNDAY was a day from hell as it was my liquid only day. Yuck. My mom and I went shopping for a bunch of stuff, which was fine until I'd enter the main mall from each store and smell the food. The pretzels, the popcorn, oh wow...that part really did suck. So I just tried to get to bed early and I, of course, could not sleep at all. I woke up at 5:40 Monday morning as we had to be at the hospital at 6:30. It was very surreal. After we were there and signed in, they took me up to surgical admitting where I changed into the gown. Then the pre-op nurse took my vitals and hooked me up to my IV. Then they started pushing all sorts of meds. It seemed like it took forever, but my mom was brought into me, and then we had a long wait (about an hour and a half) until FINALLY Dr. LaMAr came in and reintroduced himself to me. He was very reassuring, I have to say. He's a very tall man but very gentle in his demeanor. As he was leaving I shook his hand and wished him lots of luck (ha ha for me), and then the anesthesiologist was in the room. She gave me the "happy shot" which I thought would be a lot more fun than it was. I was envisioning saying all the sorts of crazy loopy things drugged up people say in the movies, but as far as I know it didn't happen. The anesthesiologist just told me the most important thing when Iwas waking up was to take really deep good breaths. I was like, whatever, let's just get me knocked out so I can forget how damn HUNGRY FOR BREAKFAST I AM!!
So, next thing I knew, I was in the recovery room. They took me for surgery at about 9, so I was very surprised when I heard someone saying it was 1:15 and I was still in recovery!! I guess they are saying I had some sort of sleep apnea stuff going on. Oops, no one had ever told me. Plus my blood pressure was pretty high, so they gave me meds for that which kept me in there even longer. My mom was waiting for me when they finally brought me into my room (which was a very nice single room, by the way). And then my BF came and they were both there, and I just kept dipping in and out, in and out of sleep. I kept remembering waking up to hear them whispering this or that to each other and then I'd fall back asleep. It was crazy.
Ooops...gotta go. More later.
OK, so I'm 8 days out. I've only been on my "Phase II" diet for one week, so I have a FULL week to go, which really sucks. Phase II for me consists of water-based broths, Crystal Light or s/f Kool Aid, s/f jello, s/f popsicles, water, and, of course, my lovely protein drinks. I've finally decided that I like Designer Whey the best, so I have been drinking a lot of their chocolate and vanilla ones. Really, they are no good, especially because I have to mix them with water. One more week and I can change over to non-fat milk, at least. Really, this diet sucks the big one. I sort of thought that after the surgery I wouldn't care about this part...no one told me it would be so hard. Really, they all told me about the gas, the hair loss, the dumping, etc., but no one just told me that the whole liquid diet thing will suck cuz you'll be hungry through the whole thing!! It's not the same kind of hunger as I had pre-op when I didn't eat, but it's an unsatisfied feeling that really sucks just the same. My mom and BF are so guilty when they eat their food, which they shouldn't be. Although, even though I know when I look at what they eat I couldn't possibly EAT it, I still am just so tempted to stick of a piece of real food in my mouth.
What we are doing right now is making crockpot dishes that simmer all day to create some good juice, and then I am sipping the juice. I am partial to anything that I can eat warm...it gives me the illusion of real food. Unfortunately I couldn't eat yesterday's because it was made with ketchup and sugar, and one tiny sip told me it had way to much sugar for me to eat. Today's though was a chicken-based broth and it was really good. So that was my dinner.
I can't wait until the next phase in a week. Even then tho it doesn't sound so much better. But I gotta get through it I guess. I'll get to at least have strained cream soups, which opens up my options a bit. Plus I'll have pudding and cream of wheat to eat too. Custards and yogurts also. That makes it better. I am just counting down until pureed foods, which is in THREE weeks. Then my options open up a LOT. The crunch won't be there, or the textures, but at least I'll get different flavors. Jeesh.
Anyway, for anyone reading this I just want you to be aware that this is a really hard part. You probably think like I did that the surgery would magically take away a lot of these cravings. It does NOT. I wouldn't trade the surgery in at ALL though. So, just be informed, but keep going forward in your quest for change and good health!!!
I have my consult with Dr. LaMar on Thursday, so I'll write again after that.
1/19/06
OK, so I met with Dr. LaMar today and I have lost 14 lbs since my last weigh in before surgery. That is very cool. I am definitely happy about that. I am now at 302, so I need to lose only three lbs to break back into the 200's, which is something I will feel much better about. I've only weight above 300 about 6 months out of my life, and I am so happy that instead of waiting longer to make a decision to have this surgey and possibly going up to 320 or 30 or 40 or 50 and beyond, I have made this decision and am on my way back DOWN. I can't believe this year will finally be the year that I will be skinny again. After almost a decade of obesity it is really hard to imaging. But 14 lbs in 10 days pretty much confirms that I won't be the only person to ever have this surgery that doesn't lose weight (which was an irrational fear of mine, yes I admit it! lol).
Anyway, they basically just checked my incisions, which are looking great (each incision is about an inch or less now!), made sure I was on my protein and minerals and getting everything down, including the fluids, and then answered any questions I might have. I actually asked Dr. LaMar if I could start my Phase III on Monday rather than Wednesday, first because it would be easier to track and second because I really want to start Phase III, and the damn doctor said NO. It was a large resounding NO, so I am stuck until Wednesday. It will be a fun shopping trip on Tuesday night to get all the things I will be able to have on Wednesday though.
So, I am near the end of my recovery/vacation. Back to work on Monday. That sort of sucks in a way, but it will be good to get into a routine at work that works for me. I am trying to think of things I need there. I should have a pitcher of Koolaid or Crystal Light in the fridge, for instance, and maybe I'll keep some jello and some Propel there, just to have. It will be interesting.
For real though, I am doing very well. I know I am. I have never been the most patient person so I'd love to see results NOW, but as my BF says, it's not the day, it's the days. I need to start on a better exercise routine. Right now i've been sporadic with it (walking). I need to begin a regular schedule but it's been freaking COLD outside (and i live in So. Cal!). There's always the gym, of course, but I'd love to lose a little more before I brave that! (all those skinny girls in leotards intimidate me!)
2/6/06
So I know it's been forever and ever since I last updated my darn profile. It's hard sometimes!!
I have been having a hard time of it lately. I am coming to the end of my four week liquid hell, and I have been in SUCH a bad mood. I want to eat some damn real food, and it's driving me bonkers. My birthday is tomorrow, so I am going to start my pureed diet 12 hours early (I will have a pureed dinner rather than wait until the next morning). It is my birthday present to myself. What added to my hard time is the fact that over two weeks or so I lost 2 lbs. TWO POUNDS. I am happy as over the last two days I've lost a total of 4.9 lbs, so hopefully this stall might be over. The thing is, I am not cheating, I am eating (I mean drinking) right. I did have a problem for about three or four days in getting in all my protein, but I am now using Isopure mixed with s/f Koolaid so I am doing much better. Plus the Koolaid is helping me make sure I get all my fluid. So, everyone tells me to get rid of the scale, which I haven't done (obviously). I don't know, I like weighing myself each morning. I am an impatient person and can't imagine waiting to find out my weight from going to the doctor's office. But, if I don't lose again I might have to. I've lost a total of 25.9 as of this morning, and I have read people who have lost 35 or 40 and have a surgery date one week or even two weeks after mine!! THAT is frustrating, especially when I'm not losing and MISERABLE on this liquid diet.
BUT...bright side, I have lost five lbs in two days and I DO get to move to pureed foods in a day and a half.
Let's see, on a personal level, my relationship with my BF is going well. For the most part, he has been very good at being supportive and he is also so happy in his personal life (he got a promotion and the $$ is going to start pretty soon now and he is finally going to get some things taken care of) that it is hard to fight with him. I, of course, can pick a fight all the time, considering the horrible mood I've been in. But again, BRIGHT SIDE (keep the mantra going, Beth).
Anyway, we have wanted to go to New York for awhile now, and he thinks with his first big check he might buy us a trip. That would be sooooo cool. I would want to do it in a couple of months, of course, so that I felt like I could fly comfortably, and dress up and feel good about myself. I can't wait to feel good about myself!! lol...
I am totally feeling the current weight loss in my clothes, which is fun. I can't wait until it goes down even more. I want to feel big in my 22/24 tops (which I am just fitting back into), so that I have an excuse to go shopping for 18/20's! I am down to 20 pants from 22, but I will have a bunch of pants when I get down to 18, which hopefully is soooooon. (and then 16, then 14, then 12...12 would drive me insane with happiness!!)
All right...I feel accomplished now that I've finally updated. Thanks to anyone who is reading!!
2/15/06
So, I cannot tell you how great it is to finally somewhat be able to eat "regular" food. I'm still on pureed/soft foods, but it is just so not the same as the liquid diet. I am only one week out from that four weeks of liquid hell, but I am already starting to block it out of my mind since it was SOOOO hellish. I told my mom the other day, if the surgeon told me right now I'd have to do full liquids for another week, I would probably tear my hair out and start screaming and never stop. It is just horrible!! BUT...on to better things. First of all, in less than a week I will get to have NORMAL food with no restrictions!!
The funny part is, although that thoroughly excites me, it is not as crazy exciting as I thought it would be a few weeks ago. I think that is because I have finally discovered what all the pouch fuss is about. My pouch - though I feel blessed that it doesn't fully reject anything - is picky!! I am not nearly as "hungry" as I was on liquid. I guess that means my head hunger is finally going away, and what I am realizing is that I have to force myself to eat a lot of the time!! However, I did have a great food experience on Saturday. I went to a restaurant with some friends and I ordered the salmon. It was nice and flaky, and I just chewed, chewed, chewed until it was all soft in my mouth and it went down just great. It was wonderful to feel like a normal person who can sit at a normal restaurant and eat normal food!! I feel like I'm finally coming out of this hiding I've been in since surgery. I really just haven't been out much!!
Also, I have lost 34.5 lbs as of today, and I am a little over 5 weeks out. I think that's pretty good, though I know others have lost more in the same span of time. I think it all evens out though. I know from this board that some of the people I was envious of who had lost a bunch more weight than me during my stall have no reached stalls of their own. I guess it's just each persons individual body. I just have to focus on mine and how my body is doing.
Thanks for reading!!
3/1/06
So as of Monday I was seven weeks out and I've lost 41 pounds. I was excited for awhile, but it's been about a week and I haven't lost anything else. BUMMER!
I feel like I either am eating too much or too little. I should probably be measuring my food but right now I'm just eyeballing about 2 oz., which is what I should be eating right now. A week from today I'm supposed to go up to 4 oz. per meal. Who knows how that will go. I am constantly worried that I'm not doing it right -- Also, I know my weaknesses with being really excited about something at first and then losing sight of my goal and just stopping. It's like when I was on Weight Watchers and lost 54 lbs. At my lowest on that program I was at 247 (still 27 lbs away from where I am now) and then I just started to feel better about myself and stopped the program and ended up gaining back the 54 plus 16 more pounds. I have to stop myself from thinking that I am capable of doing that here. Even though I really have not cheated at all (except one chocolate chip cookie the other night), whenever I am super full I feel like I've eaten a plate of fried chicken or something. It's a strange and emotional trip I'm on, that's for sure. It will get better when the scale goes down again, as it always does. I think I've only lost 12 pounds this month though, and I was told that the second month is the biggest losing month. I only have eight more days until my two month anniversary, so I am hoping that things change.
On the positive side, I went out last weekend and had a killer time with my friends. I fit into my size 18 pants and jeans now, and I wore my dark wash 18 jeans with a really cute tank and jacket on Saturday night and guys were hitting on me all over the place. I think part of it was that I felt really pretty for the first time in ages - my hair was looking great, my makeup was put on with care, plus I was wearing these smaller sizes. So I know that I was carrying myself with a lot of confidence. The thing with me is that, since I'm 5'10", I have always had to figure out a way to carry myself as I knew I was getting noticed,just for my height alone. I dealt with that all through my growing up years, and came out the other side grateful for my height and glad I was tall - I think that has always helped me be confident and hold my head up when I enter a room. Therefore, that innate confidence added to my feeling of prettiness I think attracts a certain amount of attention. The best part though, was hearing my BF tell me how great I looked and catching the twinkle in his eye the whole night. That is better than any flirty gesture from some random dude anytime!!
So, yesterday I had some sashimi, which I had a few days before as well. The first time it went down like a dream, but yesterday I ended up throwing up after I got back to the office. I then ended up going home around 3:30 pm. It sucked big time. Plus, my lower back has been killing me and heaving certainly did NOT help that part out! I have my next followup appointment with my surgeon TOMORROW (duh duh duh DUHHHHHH), so we'll see how that goes.
Till next time...
3/11/06
Lordie, I am just horrible at updating this profile. I keep meaning to do it then...oh well. Well, after two long weeks I finally broke out of my stall and have lost 3.2 pounds over the last two days. As of my two month anniversary I was down 42.5, but as of today I am down 45.7 pounds. I had really wanted to reach 50 pounds by two months, but that is not to be. I am happy with my weight loss, especially if it continues to come off now. I have been having trouble getting in my protein, and have worked very hard at it over the past couple of days, so I'm guessing that is why the weight started coming off. I just went through a big period where things wouldn't stay down. It's been better though, as I am trying to stick to softer foods and remembering to chew, chew, chew. Chewing is SO important.
3/22/06
So, I am now down 55.5 pounds, which is pretty damn cool. I lost 8 pounds from last Monday to this Monday, 4 of which came over the weekend! I weighed myself Friday morning and was one weight and Saturday morning I was 4 pounds less! That's pretty amazing. I'm now at 260 lbs and my personal goal is 150 or 160, so that's only a hundred pounds to go! LOL...that sounds too funny...ONLY a hundred pounds. However, 55.5 pounds in about a month and a half sounds pretty amazing too. So, I am going to hold out hope that I can do it. My doctor's goal for me is anywhere between 180 and 210, so it's pretty amazing that I only have to lose 50 more pounds to reach the top range of that! I am past all the bitching about food in my head. Actually, at this point I am NEVER hungry. I have to force myself to eat, but I still take my protein supplements to help my weight loss. I just received my case of Profect today, which I LOVE, because it's so few ounces for 25 darn grams of protein!! Whoo hoo! Today I've already had 55 grams, and it is 3:30 pm. I am a fiend for jerky right now for the protein. It is a struggle to enjoy my food, but again, at this point I'm sort of past caring about that. I know at some point all those things will come back, and I will probably be wishing to come back to this period when weight loss comes so easily!
My BF and I are having major, major relationship issues and I don't know if we're going to get past them. I had hoped that one of the side effects of this surgery and me losing weight would be that he would kind of see me in a new light, but if anything I feel like we are drifting further apart. In the meantime, this weekend I got a call from an ex who was telling me all sorts of lovy-dovy things...well this was the worst time for this to happen because I am so in need of attention right now. Argh! Relationships suck, especially when they are not going well. I love my BF so much though, and he has so many great qualities. I just have to decide if we can get through this unhappy period.
86 pounds until I'm "normal"...or 51 pounds until I'm just overweight!! I CAN'T WAIT!
4/5/06
So damn it! It has been two full weeks since my last update and I have only lost another pound and a half. I don't know what's going on, but it better start moving again soon. I am usually OK, but now I'm getting pissed off. My three month anniversary is on Sunday (four days from now) and I really wanted to lose at least 60 pounds by then, more if possible. I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong, except not exercising as much as I should. I have been super good about getting my protein in ever since I ordered a case of Profect which has 25 grams in only 2.9 oz of liquid. It's da bomb! It totally makes up for anything I don't get in my food.
I actually have had less problems recently. I am trying to take my time more and chew more. The only issue I have (besides not having lost weight over the past two weeks) is the fact that I do not have this great burst of energy that I was expecting to have. It bugs. Maybe I am just a lazy person, but I would think having lalmost 50 pounds off of this body would have revved me up a bit, but I still feel lethargic and sleepy a lot of the time. I am taking my vitamins, taking my protein, drinking my water, etc. What's going on?!?!
Anyway, in the meantime, my last post had something about my BF in there. He actually found out about me talking to my ex and suddenly, lo and behold, he is being much more attentive all of a sudden. It's rather amusing in a way, and sad in another way. But, right now I am going to take what I can get. I have to say, the feelings that I had of not knowing what was going to happen in our relationship just two weeks ago are gone. We have spent time together, gone out with friends, watched movies and just in general had some good experiences over the last two weeks. Next month a bunch of friends and my BF and I are going to hang out at the river in Laughlin. Jetski, boat, tan, drink, party, etc. It is going to be so much fun and I hope the BF and I are still in a good place when that happens (and that I'm down 20 or more so pounds by then! haha). I am going to wait until the last minute to buy a bathing suit so I can look as hot as possible!! :-)
Oh well, for any pre-ops reading this, just take heart that life goes on, and it gets better...it's life, ya know? Prior to surgery I was so afraid of all the life changes I was making, but now that I've gotten past all the liquid stages and soft food stages and have gotten a better handle on what my pouch tolerates and what it does not, I realize that it's really not that big of a deal. Just pay attention to what you eat and drink, and you can find yourself still being able to go out to meals and not even need that burger and fries or whatever it is that is your downfall.
4/10/06
Three month surgiversary...down 60 pounds exactly!
Plus, I had my first big WOW moment yesterday. Here is what I posted on the board:
I've, of course, had little WOW moments here or there, and things that made me feel good, but this is my first big one where I just had to sit and say, well, "Wow!"
Yesterday was my three month surgi-versary (pics will be posted soon), and I thought, "What the heck, I am going to try on that pair of size 16 jeans that's been hanging in the closet since I lost weight with Weight Watchers a few years ago." As I tried them on I just kept expecting the waist to catch at my hips or not be able to get them up at all. As I got them up with no problem, I grabbed onto both sides of the zipper expecting that I was going to have to suck in my gut and pulllllllllllllllll that together tightly. Nope! Buttoned and zipped easily. I just couldn't believe it! I had the biggest darn grin on my face as I went flying downstairs to show my family!
This pair of jeans is the only 16 I have. I have gone through all my fat clothes sizes since this surgery. This means I am *forced* to go shopping!
All of this in three months. Imagine, I started out pre-op in a size 24!! This is just absolutely amazing!
5/10/06
OK, so I am one of those people that have a hard time updating!! I have had a weird month. First, through the whole month of April I was up and down in weight, and slowly had lost about 4 pounds by the time April 30th came around. I was really pissed off, actually, and couldn't believe that this was happening. I had 9 more days until my 4 month anniversary on May 9. I lost 2 pounds in two days...then nothing...then suddenly I lost another 6.7 pounds resulting in my weight lost on my surgiversary yesterday being 12.7 pounds. I was SO relieved! As of today I went down another 1.6 pounds, so all told I have lost a total of 74.3 pounds.
6/15/06
OK, so I took pics on 6/9/06 and I was down 6.5 pounds only this month. It sorta sucked. Plus I don't like the pictures at all. My arms are bruised and I didn't think about it when we took the pictures. Don't worry, I wasn't beaten! lol..I was in a mini-accident. Anyway, in these pics I am down 80.8 pounds. As of today I am down 82.5. I had a UTI and a lot of water retention, so I am hoping that now that I'm on my second day of antibiotics I am going to lose a bit. I HAVE to work on getting my fluids in...it is tough.
So, I had a nice thing said to me by my BF last night. I posted it on the January board but will post it here too:
This is not really a WOW moment, but don't know what else to call it. For background, my BF has been supportive of my decision to have WLS, but I can honestly say he never has "gotten" it. He has always wondered why I couldn't just do it with diet and exercise, and once has stated that he honestly thought I took the easy way out.
Well, since then his co-worker has gotten the lap band. He is always going on and on about the horrid food decisions she makes. Dove bars, fast food burgers, french fries, etc. Plus he said he was annoyed with his boss who kept offering her bad food choices. I said to him, "well, remember how in the first few months you would always offer food choices and be surprised when I turned you down? Because you didn't always remember I couldn't eat like you anymore" and he replied, "yes, but that was because you weren't making bad choices too." I told him, "Well, I tell you what. I can eat chips and fries and breaded crap if I chose to. It's not like it doesn't go down easier. I just (usually) choose not to because I didn't have this body-altering surgery to fail at this." He pondered that.
Well, then last night, he looked at me and he said, "Beth, you have gotten so small, and you look so good, and I am so damn PROUD of you." I just thought, thank goodness. He finally *gets* it a little bit. I got a little teary-eyed.
END
So, things have been going well for me. I went shopping this past weekend and went to Lane Bryant and couldn't believe that I fit into 14/16 tops. So then we went into New York & Co. who has XL tops, and I bought a few more from them too! It is an exciting prospect to know I'll be able to shop at places other than Lane Bryant. It will be good on my wallet too...they totally rip us big girls in terms of clothes costs. I didn't buy any pants, but I think I will be able to fit into 14's soon, if not now. THAT is a total milestone. I have 24 pounds to go and then I will just be overwight, instead of obese, with a BMI of 29.9. I just can't imagine!!
July 10, 2006
Well, yesterday was my six month surgiversary. It's amazing that this has all happened so fast. As of yesterday I weigh 223.6 pounds. That is a total of 92 pounds lost in 6 months!! I am 8 pounds away from a century card! I just can't fathom or barely even remember what it was like to be the person in my preop pics. I look miserable, I felt miserable, I was miserable. Now, 92 pounds lighter, I went out dancing Saturday night and had a blast! It's something I just would not have done before this surgery.
I saw my surgeon a few days ago and he was so proud of me. He said I am doing just fantastic, and to keep up the great work. It was nice to hear. I just wanted to give him a hug, but I didn't. Instead I just said a heartfelt "thank you" about 5 times!! haha. Also, my BP was way down from where it was pre-op. I think I could even give blood now!! Before surgery, they refused me because of my blood pressure.
Well, here are my 6 month pics. My flabby babby arms still bug the crapola out of me, but I'm working on them:
10/2/06
OK, OK...so I know it's been FOREVER since I've updated. A lot has been going on though. Let's see, I'm down to 113 pounds lost now. Pretty dang crazy. I wear 14's, but think that I might be able to move to 12's very soon. The pants I am wearing right now could be a size 12 and fit, though I tried on some 12 jeans about 2 weeks ago and no dice. I have slowed down losing considerably, but have worked on upping my protein and I've lost about 5 pounds over the last 2 weeks. I only have 3 pounds to go before I finally reach ONEDERLAND. I didn't think it would ever come. My doctor had told me that the top of my range would land me at 210, which I was just not going to accept. I think my goal is to lose about 30 more pounds. Unfortunately, I am having problems with my knee which have hindered my exercise regamine. Which really sucks actually.
Well, I guess it's a good thing that I'm looking a lot cuter now because I am officially single. After a rocky, up and down 11 year relationship it is finally over. This is an emotional, but good thing. I know in my heart of hearts it was the right decision as I feel much more at peace now. It's only been about a month. I can say though that my self esteem has sure been lifted. I've met 3 guys and have reconnected with one whom I met last time I was single (about a year and a half during the span of 11 years). All four guys are "into" me! Three of the four I had to turn away, as I am just not ready for commitment this fast. But the guy I have reconnected with is someone who I might want to spend some time getting to know again. He liked me 2 1/2 years ago when I was MO (though I had gained another 45 pounds AFTER I got back together with the BF...hmmm...I wonder why?), and when he saw me this time his jaw about dropped to the ground!! It was a pretty good feeling. Anyway, so the relationship ending is a good thing, though it is a scary prospect to be single right now. It does get lonely after the comfort of having someone for so long.
My job is going well, and I feel like I am just much more active nowadays. I want to do more with my life, meet more people, etc. Oh, and my friends and I have already found our halloween costumes. I am going as a sexy little red riding hood. When I tried it on and it fit I was like, oh my goodness! Then the skirt is a bit short and I was like no way...and then my friends all started gushing about how cute it was and how tiny my waist looked, and how thin my legs looked, and they forced me to try to really SEE myself in the mirror, and you know what? I actually began to see a little of what they were talking about. So that's some body image progress, I guess.
Hope all of you are doing well...and any pre-ops reading this. Keep up the fight! It is ALL worth it! This is truly the best decision I have ever made for myself!!
