just started writing and couldn't stop...

Apr 21, 2011

  I am no longer pre diabetic, no longer have sleep apnea, my depression is in remission so Dr's call it.   I think overall the quality of life has improved for me and my family,  i now want to do things for my kids rather than HAVE to do things for the,.  When they use to ask something of me like needing a drink I would think "i cant wait till you can get yourself a drink"  I feel terrible that I was rushing them to grow up because doing everything was more effort than someone not obese.  So I missed out on enjoying them at the ages they were prior to my weight loss.  
My obesity is a result of many things but the major reason why I believe I got that far is becuase I developed breast very young I was a DDD cup size in the 5th grade.  With that said in PE I would get teased, as early as the 2nd grade I was being teased in PE by the other students.  I had negative feelings associated with exercise and in school refused to participate because I was being publicly humiliated.  I was not exercising and was gaining weight, I was then being teased for being obese, I went from the biggest kid in class to the biggest kid in my grade, eventually the biggest kid in school.  So I was not exercising to avoid being bullied and teased and gained weight which caused me to be bullied and teased.  I developed depression and anxiety disorders and by high school felt like going to school was torture,  I hated it, I tried in private to loose the weight, in highschool I needed a PE grade to get the credit so instead of PE I took weight training which I loved cause there was no cardio jumping around but outside of school had no intertest.  School was unbarable but I had to go and couldn't wait to graduate for it all to be OVER.  My grades were slipping, and I was lucky to graduate with my class.  It was finally over!  Or so I thought.  I searched for employment and finally settled in an office position as a customer service rep. where a relative worked and honestly she got me the job.  Every new employee that was hired was thin and pretty and did 1/2 the work I did but got treated twice as well.   I felt like I did not fit in and sought out approval in them which backfired,  I was teased at work, every day.  I had a daughter at this point so I felt as if I had no choice but to stay and deal with it and go in to work knowing that I was going to be teased and tortured by my co workers.  I can count a dozen times that I ended up in my bosses office crying because I just wanted it to stop.  From cruel jokes to threats it didn't stop.  I started reading self help books and improved my confidence.  I realized that I am better than that and I wasn't going to let them hurt me anymore.  However they tried even harder to upset me, testing the new me trying to make me break character as if it was a game.   A few months later I found another job and quit.   So my thinking that the bullying would stop because I was grown was false.  
So here I am with new found confidence, feeling great!  I was now proud of my size and considered myself a BBW or Big Beautiful Woman.  It was great!  Then after my 2nd daughter my health started to take a dive.  My back had not healed from a previous work accident in 1999 and suffered with chronic back pain.  I was always in pain, it would get worse,  and when I would take meds that worse pain would go back to the normal pain but i was always in pain.  I did not like taking meds and the cloudy feeling it gave me. I don't even like to drink alcohol.  So I just suffered.  Adding to the depression and the chronic back pain,  I had sleep apnea, and high blood pressure but when I was told I was pre diabetic I knew I had to do something.  In 5 years what are my current medical conditions going to be like and what additional medical conditions would I have.   
I pursued weight loss surgery because the many attempts since middle school to get the weight off failed.  From liquid diets, to weight loss medications, to intense exercise, as soon as I stopped or eased off on the intensity of treatment the weight would come right back.     I found the Bariatric Institute at Franklin Square Hospital Center.  They got me educated on all of the weight loss surgery options and the lifestyle change in all aspects not just physically but mentally as well.   I felt confident having my surgery and knowing it would work.   When I heard about weight loss surgery I assumed that you get the surgery and when your recovered and cleared to go back to work you go back to normal but loose the weight.  I had no clue how much work is involved.     Ok so if your obese and reading this, what I just wrote is giving you a negative thought right?  Yeah my throat still tenses up when I talk about how hard things are or how much work is involved.  It is because every day life for an obese person takes effort.  A lot more effort than someone a normal or even over weight.   So when you say work, everyday living is WORK so to an obese person WORK means hard labor.   Trust me it does.     In classes at Franklin Square learned about fitness too.  "I was thinking in my head, how the hell can i do a hour of cardio a day.  I'm beat just walking up the stairs."  But they encouraged walking to the mailbox and parking further from the grocery store.    Adding a little bit more and more each day.  They talked about fitness after weight loss surgery and talked about cardio 1 hour a day.  I was thinking in my head "yeah right"  I was thinking that as a 355lb woman with health issues related to obesity. The thought of anything being effortless never crossed my mind.  I knew I would loose weight after having weight loss surgery but the thinking that I had was not that of a person with normal weight or even overweight.     So NOW with that said after loosing 163lbs in the 1st year following weight loss surgery (VSG).   My everyday life is now effortless and in fact doing WORK feels effortless cause it is actually not as hard as regular life WAS when I was obese.  
An interesting comparison:   My day to day life and the activities I currently do day to day feels like less effort to me now than the same amount of activity done by someone a normal weight who has always been a normal weight.  I have people who have always been a normal weight asking me how I am able to do so much in one day.  

I know that this is probably temporary while I settle into my new life.  However I am taking advantage of this while I can setting up opportunities for myself for my future.  Interesting concept.  Future...I dont feel like "this is my life it is what it is" like I have all my life.  I now think "this is my life it is what I'm going to make it", I think about every thing I do and how it will directly effect my future, maybe not for 10 to 15 years but I am considering running in the county election to be a councilwoman.  Again maybe not for 10-15 years but I have to think about my persona and what it has been in the past and what I want it to be in the future.  I am also thinking how my pursuit of becoming a councilwoman could benefit weight loss surgery and how I could use that to really make positive changes in not only support of community but also have a platform to stand on when fighting childhood obesity.  

to be cont...    yes there is more ha ha ha 

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