Today is the first day...blah...blah...blah

Dec 15, 2006

Okay, time to stop analyzing and pull myself up by my bootstraps and do what I know works.  Namely, exercise a little self-discipline.  I need to remember that it isn't that I will never be able to have a high calorie/high carb/high fat/high whatever treat again, but I can't have one while I am in the "losing phase" of my journey and I need to stop feeling sorry for myself when I do say no to myself.  Tough love, baby.  Overeating with the band is a recipe for disaster and I know it.  So THERE.

Realization - duh.

Dec 14, 2006

I went to a support group meeting last night that my doc's shrink is running.  It is just a small, intimate group who will be working together over the next several weeks to try to work on head and mouth hunger issues.  I am excited about participating and felt very motivated this morning.  However, after breakfast and while not feeling hungry at all I hit the snack machine and ate three packs of Smartfood popcorn and some Lorna Doones.  Why did I do it?  Well, to the best of my admittedly poor self-analyzing skills, I was wanting to take a break from the work I was doing (and might I say, not enjoying) and decided that having a food break felt like a fun and satisfying thing to do.  And it was.  But now I feel totally guilty about it, of course.  

Now, here is the "revelation."  I don't like my job (of course, I have known that forever) and what's more, I find it extremely dull--not in the least interesting and not in the least rewarding--not creative, not inspiring.  I do it because I need a paycheck and this job pays very well considering my lack of formal education.  I have been doing this for a long time...no wonder I can't lose weight.  I use food breaks as an escape from the distasteful (to me) work I do.  The snack machine is so convenient and friendly.  

Now, what to do about this?  How to escape this?  Well, obviously the answer is to find another job that I enjoy...and how do I do that?  Well, since I can hardly afford to take a pay cut, I need to get my education rolling again so I can command a higher salary.  (I don't think clerk at 7-11 pays very well.  Honestly, I think working at Starbucks would be kinda fun but do they evem make minimum wage?)  Of course, this job change/education scenario isn't as easy as it may sound...I mean, it would take me years to get my degree since I would be doing it at night...and that means years more of hating my job...and that means I need to find another way to deal with (squelch) the food reward breaks or I have to find a way to make my job more rewarding.  This stinks.  You know, I sometimes lose sleep at night because of hating my job.

Weight fluctuations

Dec 05, 2006

I have been fluctuating ever since surgery with gaining and losing the same 4-7 pounds...sometimes from day to day.  I am just noting this because I seemed to be mostly on an upward trend with the fluctuations until about a week after my last fill when, as I noted, it seemed to "kick in."  Now that I have seen a somewhat steady downward trend (down and getting lower over about a 5 day period) I think that was the encouragement I needed.  I am finally down below (by 4 lbs) what I was on the day of surgery (after gaining 4 lbs on my one week post-op visit).  So, down 8 lbs from my one week post-op.  I feel a lot more positive about this journey now.  I did well on my eating today.  (Pats self on back.)  I need to stop comparing myself to others.  I was thinking this morning that I might have even been better off if I'd never found the wealth of info and input on the internet regarding lap band.  Maybe I would have been too afraid to test and fight my band...but seeing many others do it (with apparently few catastrophic effects) gave me the courage to do it myself.  Not a good thing. 

BMI

Dec 04, 2006

I am 5'8" tall.  My starting BMI was 49.6 and my current BMI is 45.0.  I need to lose 133 more pounds to get to the high end of a normal BMI, which will put me at 163 lbs.  The last lowest weight I ever achieved was about 190 and that was probably 15+ years ago.  I looked pretty good at that point.  The least I have ever weighed in my adult life was right around 150-155 but that was extremely short lived.  I would love to get down to around 160 and stay there, but I am afraid of how aging all this saggy skin will be.  We are not known for having the most elastic skin in my family, anyway, and after yo yoing for so many years and being at a top weight of 326, I don't know what I will look like as I go down.  that is why I haven't chosen a goal weight--I have to play it by ear.  I know health is the top reason for being at a normal weight, but let's face it--I am a little vain and I am more of the "die young and leave a good looking corpse" faction.  I mean, the first time I quit smoking was only because I was afraid of the wrinkle factor (didn't want the anus mouth pucker effect--I know, sorry for that visual) not so much the lung cancer factor...of course, the second and final time I quit I did take the lung cancer factor into account.  Anyway, InshahAllah, I want to look good and healthy, not just thin and haggard when I reach my goal.  Dang, why couldn't I have just kept this weight off on one of my other weight loss journeys?

A few lbs down

Dec 04, 2006

Well, I seem to be going down but I can't figure out why--another good reason to be faithful to a food journal.  I was down two pounds all weekend (kept weighing myself to be sure) and then this morning?  Down two more.  I don't know what I did right but it gave me fresh hope and made me want to be more compliant.

My surgeon's shrink called me the other night and asked me to participate in some kind of small focus group thingy--at least that is what I think she said.  I said I would be happy to participate since I figure anything that helps keep me obsessing in a good way is beneficial.  I'll be doing that on Wednesday nights, I think...I don't have all the particulars, yet.

I am wondering about something.  After reading everyone's experiences, and especially people who are at or close to goal, I was wondering how their fill level feels.  Lots of people write about being too tight to eat more than a couple of bites or about being very restricted in the types of foods they can eat and that makes me want to go get another fill...but then I read about how keeping your band too tight leads to slips and that is the last thing I need.  I can still eat pretty much everything except doughy bread (haven't tried steak out of fear) but I have puked a few times--however, I can honestly say that was due to eating too big of bites too fast and not chewing well enough.  I hate that I don't really know how the sweet spot is supposed to feel.

Thanksgiving, confessions and resolutions

Nov 27, 2006

So, I made it through Thanksgiving without gaining anything, which is a miracle.  I did eat lots of sweets--cake, pie, chocolate.  I love stuffing and gravy and I have had quite a lot of that, too, but I certainly didn't eat like I could have in the past.  I had a plate with a spoonful of everything I like.  I didn't eat my sister's Wedding Soup because the broth was greasy (I also didn't tell her that--just discretely poured it down the sink).  

I will be a Food Princess, yet!  Right now I am still in training for the title because I still eat things that aren't top quality...what can I say--although my mother didn't feed us pre-packaged food or fast-food growing up (anyway, there were a lot fewer fast food places, then) I found those things on my own later on and developed a taste for them.  My mother (all 125 lbs of her) would never be caught dead eating at McDonald's or having a hot dog from 7-11 or eating, as I have, 4 servings (per the box) of boxed mashed potatoes with reconstituted gravy and plenty of unsalted butter to boot as a snack...or a huge bag of Grandma Utz chips in one sitting.  I have some serious issues with food.  Among my other food issues, I am a closet eater.  Also, when I was younger and cared more about "what people think" I would go through the drive-thru and ask for, say, a double cheeseburger and a filet o' fish and a small fries and two small cokes just so the clerk at the window wouldn't think I was going to eat two sandwiches myself.  The only reason I didn't order two "meals" is because I don't like soft drinks that much or fast-food fries, really, and two large cokes to throw away would be so wasteful.  See, sick, ain't I?  

I have had these problems with food probably since adolescence and I know it is mostly that I have used food as an emotional salve.  I have used food inappropriately.  I really need to finish reading those books I purchased that deal with emotional eating.  I really need to find the time to talk to a therapist about these issues.  Why am I like this?  People always blame their parents for everything don't they?  But I had a WONDERFUL childhood for the most part.  Two loving parents and all that.  Oh well, I feel better just having identified some of the areas where I need work.

Now, after my discussion here with Ms. Phyllis yesterday I have a new lease on this whole band issue.  I have decided to stop fooling myself and get busy with a diet and exercise regimen.  I have to forget I have the band and just concentrate on my food plan.  I need to drink my water and walk every day.  I have decided to follow a low carb program, as that is the simplest for me and really what my surgeon recommends.  I came prepared today with a 3 liter bottle of water that I doctored up with some crystal lite.  I have my tuna for lunch and for breakfast I had two string cheeses.  I did put some coffee mate gingerbread flavored creamer in my coffee without thinking. ..8 carbs per serving.  That will be the last time I do that.  I usually use my SF DaVinci syrups when I want sweetened/flavored coffee.  I need to order a bottle of the SF Gingerbread flavor..I'll do that today.  

When I decided to go on this journey I was at the thrift store (I LOVE "vintage" clothes and collect them--but they don't come in huge sizes, usually) and I found a pair of jeans that have embroidery on them and a ribbon around the hem...they are SO cute.  They are a size 14, I think...they are slightly low rider and are flared.  They are adorable retro/hippie jeans.  I bought them because they are my goal pants.  I would really like to get into them some time in 2007.  Undoubtedly, they are already out of style, but when has that ever stopped me?  I have lots of clothes I have been saving for the day when I could fit into them and just because I was too fat for the whole madonna-bra-under-lace-midriff-shirt phase doesn't mean I can't resurrect the style at some point donw the road (just kidding...sort of).  Anyway, enough rambling.  Here is to today being the "first day of the rest of my life."

Fill Kicked In

Nov 20, 2006

Okay, I never believed it when people would say their fill took two weeks to kick in--it just didn't make logical sense to me.  So many things about the band don't seem to make sense, actually.  But, I think my fill took a little over a week to kick in.  This fill now seems to be working...and I seem to be able to work with it!  Idon't think I am filled to the max and I don't want to be.  I cannot eat bread, though (and that is a good thing!).  I don't want to PB on a regular basis but--I do have to be mindful when I am eating so I don't take too large a bite or forget to chew.  Also, (duh!) it helps to follow the rules and eat solid protein first.  I found my "soft stop" which is a hiccup (sp?).  I noticed, too, without really meaning to do it, I was taking too long to eat and eating over a long period of time so that I was able to get in far too much food and now that I am paying attention to that...well, I  lost 4 lbs this past week!  I am making better choices with what I eat and YES!  the band is making it easier to make better choices!  I am so excited about this.  I went out over the weekend and bought a new jacket that is a tad too tight--it buttons up top but is too tight to button around the hips-- because I finally feel like I really am going to be able to reach my goals.  I am looking forward to Thanksgiving because my eating will be under control and I will eat my small portion of my favorite things and feel happy and satisfied.  

Blowout

Nov 13, 2006

Well, yesterday was a blowout so today I am starting fresh.  Coffee without cream on my way to work.  Then, 3 oz. smoked oysters (140) and a tangerine--which is tricky.

Contrary

Nov 13, 2006

Woke up this morning not obsessing about food.  Not feeling like I HAD to eat.  Got to work and let that feeling ride by not eating until my stomach started grumbling.  Then I had a tuna sensations kit.  200 cals.  Then I let my head/mouth hunger get the best of me and ate some Smartfood popcorn:  320 whopping cals.  and some peanuts:  290 freaking cals.  Oh, and let's not forget the creamer in my coffee:  60 cals.   Total before noon:  870 cals.  Well, I guess it is no wonder my intestines are now protesting.  And no wonder the scale keeps going up and down the same 5 lbs.  Although I sporadically used Fitday when I was low carbing last year, I have always resisted the food diary and I know why--I don't like to see/admit how much I am eating.  So, what do I do the rest of the day?  Well, I guess the sensible thing is to try to adhere to the rules and don't wait until tomorrow to "start fresh."

Work

Nov 09, 2006

I am at work today, although I know it is a holiday for many folks.  I had a Tuna Sensations thingy for breakfast (the Thai flavored one--note to self: not my fave--I wouldn't buy that flavor again) and actually got full.  Lemme see how long it lasts--I am really going to try to pay attention and work at this.  

I have an appointment to get my roots done after work.  I don't know how she is going to get the "zebra" effect like I have now with these highlights but she said she could.  We shall see.  Who would have thought "zebra" hair would be good?  I like it, though.  

I went to another message board yesterday and was reading a "slow losers" thread.  Although I haven't lost much weight so far, I am not a slow loser.  I know I can lose weight at a nice pace if I put some effort into it.  The 26 lbs I lost in just a couple of weeks on the pre-op diet should say something about that.  Actually, the slow loser thread was pretty depressing reading.  I would be so disappointed and yes, embarassed if I were to be sitting here next year this time having only lost 20, 30 or 40 lbs.  Actually, I can't accept anything but 10 lbs per month.  My heart goes out to those people who really are slow losers.  

I NEED to join the gym--I keep putting it off because of the expense but if I spent over 15k of my retirement money (which isn't all that large of a pot to start with) for the surgery, I guess it would be dumb not to spend a few more hundred dollars to help me accomplish my weight loss goals.  I just keep telling myself that walking is free and I don't need the gym to exercise...but the reality is, if I join the gym I believe I will be more inclined to exercise.

Yesterday we had a scare with Mom and thought she was going to have to be admitted to the hospital last night but the doc put her on a new heart med and is reviewing her charts, etc. today to decide on a further course of action.  She was supposed to go to Atlantic City with my other sister this weekend and is not happy about that trip being cancelled.  I'm glad I am not a gambler.

Gah...someone just asked me if I want to participate in a luncheon here at work next Friday.  Yes, I will probably participate for the social aspect, but still keep to my bandster guidelines.

Ta ta for now.

About Me
Clinton, MD
Location
45.0
BMI
Surgery
07/17/2006
Surgery Date
Apr 19, 2006
Member Since

Friends 18

Latest Blog 18
Today is the first day...blah...blah...blah
Realization - duh.
Weight fluctuations
BMI
A few lbs down
Thanksgiving, confessions and resolutions
Fill Kicked In
Blowout
Contrary
Work

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