LauraMarie

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Ok… So I finally got a surgery date!!! October 23, 2008 is “MY DAY!” Now that all of my pre op testing has been done, my insurance has approved me and my date is scheduled – I AM SCARED SHITLESS!!!!! The person that I have been for 21 years and the person that I have come to accept isn’t going to be here in a month… I have always considered myself the “fat girl”.  I came to terms with the fact that I will always be the one that guys come up to and say “hey I like your friend, can you hook me up?” I’m always the “friend” and not the “girlfriend” – when I am the girlfriend I get cheated on!!  I’m the girl who spends an hour getting ready to go to the mall and picks out the perfect outfit only to see her reflection in of the store windows and goes home because she is disgusted with herself…  I’m the girl who goes into a store and goes to the side with all of the huge signs saying “PLUS SIZES” or “14 AND UP” and hopes no one she knows walks past the store because the gigantic signs will show everyone that she fat – as if they didn’t already know… How humiliating is that?? I’m the girl who won’t go to theme parks because she knows there is no way she is going to fit into the seats, but tells all of her friends that she gets motion sickness… I’m the girl who goes to a movie but doesn’t just sit down in the seat, I sort of sit on the end and then scotch back because my butt won’t fit between the arm rests.  I’m the girl who knows she is gorgeous and has a fantastic personality, knows she would be a fantastic girlfriend because she pays her own bills, bought her own car and goes to college full time and holds a full time job as well – but again, every guy sees that she is the fat girl and doesn’t want to give her the time of day.  When I go out on a Friday night in the middle of July I’m wearing jeans and a low cut shirt with a sweater over it… Why? Because I hate my arms, I hate my legs, and I hate my stomach… The only thing that I love about myself is my face, my hair, and yes – my boobs… Which brings me back to being terrified… What do I do when the only part of my body that I actually like (my chest) is gone?  What happens when everything you have known your entire life slowly but surely disappears before your eyes? Also, I am hoping that I will start to get more attention from men, but when and if I do, I’m never going to forget about how guys treated me my entire life – so, do I give them a chance for say f**k off? Food has always been my best friend, no matter how I felt that is what I turned too and I’m not going to be able to do that anymore… I am hoping to turn my food addiction into a workout addiction and make exercise my new best friend… I don’t know I guess I just needed to vent a little… I am scared but hopefully this will be the best decision I have ever made in my life.  We will see I guess – if anyone has any advice or has gone thru what I am going thru please let me know!!  -- Laura

OK so it’s almost time for me to meet with my surgeon to make the arrangements for surgery, pick the type that is best for me and set the date!!! My family has all be supportive but my dad has been giving me a hard time L he has even offered to help me pay for a personal trainer so I don’t have to “get my guts cut out” so he says… I agreed, but I made it very clear to him that this isn’t me saying that I’m not going to have the surgery.  I mean, who knows, maybe ill drop the weight like I never have before and actually be able to do it on my own this time.  I want him to know that I’m not happy being me and I wish I was!! I need a permanent solution and if nothing else, working out with this trainer will only make me healthier for the surgery.   My trainer knows all about the surgery – he thinks he’s going to talk me out of it – I told him to try his best I‘m up for anything, but he is willing to work with me after the surgery too, to try and help my body go back to the way it should be…  I didn’t say no to the trainer, I’m going to the gym everyday sometimes twice a day – I even told my dad that lets say I lose 30lbs before surgery and I still feel deep inside that its what I should do then I’m still going to do it… I am `141lbs above what I want to weigh… I don’t know, I’m just stuck because I’m one of those people who wants to make everyone happy and if my dad isn’t happy then neither am I…. I wish I could for once just do it for me, screw everyone else, and just do it for me! So that’s where I’m at… Any advice from anyone would be absolutely amazing!!! I need help and I need people to give me advice.  I screaming out for help and him, never being overweight ever, just thinks it’s a lot easier than it really is… Please help… God Bless!