LawyerGirl
Are You Living or Are You Existing?
May 30, 2010
Does that question sound familiar? Well, if you’ve ever seen Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys, you’ve absolutely heard it before. When I watched the film for the first time over a year ago, that line really resonated with me. Of course I didn't realize quite how much that question meant until very recently.
So, here I am, three and a half months post-surgery and 70 lbs down. It's so amazing. It's not just the changes in numbers but the way that those changes in numbers correlate to changes in my life. Yesterday, I went to this really expansive farmers market filled with all the horrible things in which I used to partake. Funnel cakes, fresh squeezed lemonade, hamburgers…you name it! Ironically, a year ago, I would have probably walked down one aisle, stopped to get "snacks" several times, and then left because my back was hurting. Not anymore. I walked the entire property yesterday. No pain at all. In fact, if my husband hadn't had a doctor's appointment later that afternoon, we probably would have stayed another hour or two. If that’s not change, I don’t know what is.
Interestingly, as crazy as this may sound, there's a bit of sadness associated with this newfound freedom that my RNY has given me. I realized over this past week how I, like the character in the movie, was existing, but wasn't really living. I was going through the motions, keeping a smile on my face, and pretending that even at 334 lbs, everything was fine. Now I know it wasn't. Today, because of the choice I made to have the surgery, I'm really present. Really feeling. Really experiencing. Today, I truly live. And if I never lost another pound (don’t get me wrong…I intend to lose many more
) I have already been blessed. Congratulations to all of you who have also made the choice to live.
Peace and Blessings, Andrea
Last Supper Syndrome and Terror on the Zipline
Apr 18, 2010
In January 2010, about one month before I was scheduled to have my surgery, I boarded the "Oasis of the Seas" bound for St. Thomas, St. Maarten, and the Bahamas. I was so excited. The shopping, island tours, exotic scenery, and of course, the FOOD. It had easily been 20 years, and more than 200 lbs, since I had last been on a cruise. Forget the sugar plums, I had visions of midnight buffets, virgin Pina Coladas, singing waiters, and three course meals in the formal dining room dancing in my head. When I think back to my vacation on the open sea, I'm reminded of what I did not do (well...let's be honest...what I COULD not do) and how much more fulfilling my experience would have been had my life not revolved around food.
Our stateroom had a view of the the boardwalk and each time I stood outside I saw people flying through the air on the zipline. Even with the door closed, I could hear the onlookers cheering for each person that zoomed by. Don't get me wrong, I knew well before we left that I would be able to do little more than watch the activity on the zipline. You see, the maximum capacity was 275 pounds and at 334 pounds, I was exactly 59 pounds away from that high-flying, free wheeling feeling. So, in true addict form, I convinced myself that I didn't want to do something as crazy as a zip line when I could go downstairs and eat chili cheese fries at the Johnny Rocket's.
Now, I can see those mind games for what they are. Before it was like I was in the midst of the battle for my life and had no idea that the ref had blown the whistle signaling that the game had begun. The cheese fries and fried shrimp were making baskets at the other end of the court and I was still on the sideline trying to stuff my swollen feet into my sneakers. Today, thanks to my RNY, I'm suited up and ready to play. It doesn't mean I won't get dunked on every now and then, but it does mean I can shake it off, keep playing, and celebrate lots of successes along the way because now, I'm officially IN THE GAME.
By the way, now, just over two months since my surgery, and 60 pounds lighter, I am free and clear to use the zipline. So please trust that the next time I don't fly high it will be because I chose not to, not because I let my poor choices make the decision for me.
Peace and Blessings
Andrea
1 comment
Our stateroom had a view of the the boardwalk and each time I stood outside I saw people flying through the air on the zipline. Even with the door closed, I could hear the onlookers cheering for each person that zoomed by. Don't get me wrong, I knew well before we left that I would be able to do little more than watch the activity on the zipline. You see, the maximum capacity was 275 pounds and at 334 pounds, I was exactly 59 pounds away from that high-flying, free wheeling feeling. So, in true addict form, I convinced myself that I didn't want to do something as crazy as a zip line when I could go downstairs and eat chili cheese fries at the Johnny Rocket's.
Now, I can see those mind games for what they are. Before it was like I was in the midst of the battle for my life and had no idea that the ref had blown the whistle signaling that the game had begun. The cheese fries and fried shrimp were making baskets at the other end of the court and I was still on the sideline trying to stuff my swollen feet into my sneakers. Today, thanks to my RNY, I'm suited up and ready to play. It doesn't mean I won't get dunked on every now and then, but it does mean I can shake it off, keep playing, and celebrate lots of successes along the way because now, I'm officially IN THE GAME.
By the way, now, just over two months since my surgery, and 60 pounds lighter, I am free and clear to use the zipline. So please trust that the next time I don't fly high it will be because I chose not to, not because I let my poor choices make the decision for me.
Peace and Blessings
Andrea
Two Months Out...Eyes Wide Open
Apr 10, 2010
OK, so wow. Two months out and down 53 pounds! This is an amazing place to be. I, like a lot of other post RNYers had a little bit of "buyer's remorse" in the beginning. And no, I'm not scared to admit it. I had never had any type of surgery before (other than getting my wisdom teeth out) and I just really did not know what to expect pain wise. And then, two weeks after my surgery, just when I thought things were getting better, I had a horrible experience with some tuna:-). But now, here I am. Blood pressure under control and lower back pain gone. I think when you're obese, but not completely immobile, you fool yourself into believing that your weight isn't "that bad." I mean, I still get up and go to work everyday, I can still take care of my personal hygiene, I don't have diabetes, and, in my case, I even went to water aerobics and line dancing classes once a week. But none of that changed the reality that my weight was ballooning out of control and killing me, slowly. For someone who exercises logic on a daily basis, my behavior and the situation I had created for myself made no sense. Just think about that for a moment...I may be obese and have a wide range of health and personal issues as a result of it, but at least I'm not diabetic. Does that even make sense? Of course not, but, the thing is, with an addiction, it never does. That's right. I said it. Addiction. That's what it is, plain and simple.
So now, two months later, here's what I know. (Don't worry, I'm not going to say anything corny like..."Now I eat to live instead of living to eat"). I know that I didn't get to be 334 pounds just because I like food. I was using food to deal with a whole range of emotions. Stress, anger, heartache...you name it. I also now know that the tool is stopping me from eating mindlessly or unconsciously. I was actually sitting at my desk at work last week and was working on a very challenging case. I got to a point where I didn't know what to do, and found myself starting to think, "I'm '''hungry'''." Then, because of this nice small pouch and rerouting of intestines situation I have, and how cautious I've learned to be about putting anything in my body, I realized, I'm not actually hungry. I'm responding to the stress of this difficult issue. That was an amazing breakthrough. Sure, the fact that I can wear smaller clothes and fit into chairs more comfortably is wonderful, but it's nothing compared to the awakening I had in my office last week.
I'm thankful for this opportunity. For ankles that don't swell. For being able to walk long distances without my back hurting. For seatbelts that buckle without contorted body movements. For the love of family and friends. And for the knowledge that because of this surgery, I am slowly rejoining the true land of the living. Peace and Blessings Andrea
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So now, two months later, here's what I know. (Don't worry, I'm not going to say anything corny like..."Now I eat to live instead of living to eat"). I know that I didn't get to be 334 pounds just because I like food. I was using food to deal with a whole range of emotions. Stress, anger, heartache...you name it. I also now know that the tool is stopping me from eating mindlessly or unconsciously. I was actually sitting at my desk at work last week and was working on a very challenging case. I got to a point where I didn't know what to do, and found myself starting to think, "I'm '''hungry'''." Then, because of this nice small pouch and rerouting of intestines situation I have, and how cautious I've learned to be about putting anything in my body, I realized, I'm not actually hungry. I'm responding to the stress of this difficult issue. That was an amazing breakthrough. Sure, the fact that I can wear smaller clothes and fit into chairs more comfortably is wonderful, but it's nothing compared to the awakening I had in my office last week.
I'm thankful for this opportunity. For ankles that don't swell. For being able to walk long distances without my back hurting. For seatbelts that buckle without contorted body movements. For the love of family and friends. And for the knowledge that because of this surgery, I am slowly rejoining the true land of the living. Peace and Blessings Andrea
About Me
Philadelphia, PA
Location
27.1
BMI
Surgery
02/08/2010
Surgery Date
Mar 01, 2008
Member Since
Before & After
rollover to see after photo
