Are You Living or Are You Existing?

May 30, 2010

Does that question sound familiar?  Well, if you’ve ever seen Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys, you’ve absolutely heard it before.  When I watched the film for the first time over a year ago, that line really resonated with me.  Of course I didn't realize quite how much that question meant until very recently.

So, here I am, three and a half months post-surgery and 70 lbs down.  It's so amazing.  It's not just the changes in numbers but the way that those changes in numbers correlate to changes in my life.  Yesterday, I went to this really expansive farmers market filled with all the horrible things in which I used to partake.  Funnel cakes, fresh squeezed lemonade, hamburgers…you name it!  Ironically, a year ago, I would have probably walked down one aisle, stopped to get "snacks" several times, and then left because my back was hurting.  Not anymore.  I walked the entire property yesterday.  No pain at all.  In fact, if my husband hadn't had a doctor's appointment later that afternoon, we probably would have stayed another hour or two. If that’s not change, I don’t know what is.

Interestingly, as crazy as this may sound, there's a bit of sadness associated with this newfound freedom that my RNY has given me.  I realized over this past week how I, like the character in the movie, was existing, but wasn't really living.  I was going through the motions, keeping a smile on my face, and pretending that even at 334 lbs, everything was fine.  Now I know it wasn't.  Today, because of the choice I made to have the surgery, I'm really present.  Really feeling.  Really experiencing.  Today, I truly live. And if I never lost another pound  (don’t get me wrong…I intend to lose many more ) I have already been blessed. Congratulations to all of you who have also made the choice to live.

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