ldyminerva
I don't know why i feel like sharing all this but i do, so you can read it or you don't have too, it's up to you. I know in the end my own weight problem is my own and the choices i made lead me where i am now.
I just started therapy recently and i have discovered that my mother most likely suffers from NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). You can read more about it here: http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/index.html
It’s funny to me to come to some of the realizations that I have come to as of late. Well, I guess funny isn’t the right word….but I’ve never been one for using the right words. Anyway, some of the things that have come to my attention is that the reason I don’t really remember my childhood is because I never really had one. I have drifted though my whole life. And that was mostly because anytime I had a feeling or a thought that was different from my mothers she taught that my feelings and thoughts didn’t matter. I feel like I don’t even know who I am and I really mean that, I really don’t know who I am. I’ll give you an example. I was ten years old when I started my period and my mom was out that night and when she came home I ran to her for comfort because I was scared and she hit me across the room and told me she didn’t have time for my sh!t. That was the only time she ever hit me but it was also the moment I learned that I wasn’t worth anything.
I’ve also learned that I keep this shield around me at all times. Like I love my husband but I always feel this barrier between us. And in a way it’s this shield that has made me fat. I ate to hide the pain but then something changed in me; I started eating just to hide. I figured that this horrible thing called love is something I didn’t want because it has taught me nothing but sorrow and pain. So if I eat and eat and eat and get so fat no one will love me AND I could understand why they wouldn’t love me. Now keep in mind this is all being done unconsciously.
This shield is built so thick that I can know all these things about my life but I can not cry about them, I have not allowed myself to actually feel them. But lately I have not been about to keep it all inside I have been feeling myself begin to crack, which is why I went looking to go to therapy in the first place.
Now somehow despite all of this I have gotten myself a pretty good life. I have a wonderful husband who loves me and two great kids. But I know that I’m going to ruin it all if I keep living the way I live now. I mean how can I teach my daughter to love herself if I still continue to hate myself so much? I’m really not being a good example to them. I’m in constant fear of my husband cheating on me or leaving me or just plain giving up on me.
I forgot to add earlier that i do not hate my mother. I know she did the best she could with the life she was given. I know my grandmother was a 1000x worst then my mother was. So i am trying to forgive her because she didn't know she was hurting me, she didn't treat me this way out of malice, and that has brought me the begining of some peace. I can not change the past, but i can learn from it, and i can change my future.
So this is the short version of why I’m here, that is why I’m on the journey. At this point I have to wait a year before I can have my surgery. And that is only because my insurance requires a years worth of supervised diet which I start at the end of this month. And who knows maybe at the end of this year I won’t even need surgery. I highly doubt it because I’ve tried everything else, but maybe……
