ldyminerva

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Well, I'm a year (almost 13 months really) out, I'm down 138 pounds and I still feel like I should be closer to my goal of 170. Tomorrow is my appointment with my surgions office and i fear they are going to yell at me for not doing as good as i could of. I was suppose to start back up with the gym this week, but then i went ahead and broke my tailbone so i can barely walk right now! oh well.

After 3 months of nothing i've started to loose weight again. So i am going to go with the theroy that my body doesn't give up fat during the winter. Our ancestors had to hold onto as much fat as possible over the winters to advoid starvation and the cold, and i honeslty think my body still has that programed into it. We are finally having weather that is above freezing, yes i'm exstatic that it's 30 out!  Actually today it's in the 50's! I'm leaving work early and going to the gym then i'm going to take a nap (maybe with the window cracked open) and then i'm going to watch the pistions play. That's why i'm taking the nap, i plan on my husband not being able to drive us home, so i'll be up late.

So anyway, since sunday i've lost 5 pounds, that's right a whole 5 pounds in 5 days!!!! Thank god i'm loosing again!

I've been trying to be good and not weigh myself every day. But i'm so sad when i do weigh myself the needle doesn't move or moves the wrong way.

I shouldn't take it out on my scale, i know it's me, I know i'm eating way to many carbs, hell i'm eating chaclote covered raisins right now! And to make matters worse, i didn't even finish my trukey from my lunch.

Oh, and i haven't been good with my pills for like 2 weeks. I swear, i've been the worst DS patient in the world. I'll make up my pills tonight and i've joined a gym that i'm going to tonight as well.....but i'm finding it next to impossible to eat good right now and i have no excuse. I want to loose the weight but maybe i just don't have the drive to actually do it. Maybe it's the winter blues, i'm just in a "fuck it" mood, have been for a few months now.....and once again that fuck it mood is going to screw everything up for me and then i'll be more depressed because i'll never reach goal and i'm pathic because i can't stop my own cravings, all this is the reasons i got fat in the 1st place.....AND i've done therapy! So i have to believe i'm better now then i was before....at least now i realize what i'm doing.....but......i.....can't......stop!

It's been over a year since i've blogged on this site, sorry about that! I'm 3 months out from surgery now and i've lost 76 pounds. I don't fell like this is enough, i feel like i'm behind and not loosing fast enough. I feel like a failure a lot, even though my cloths are starting to hang off me. 

I am an intelligent person, and i know that i'm not a failure, that i'm doing good, i'm on track of loosing all of my excess weight, that i have till October 1st to loose 105 pounds, which is only 29 pounds to go and i'm loosing about 15 a month. But i know that now is the time that it might slow down and i'm so scared of not loosing those 29 pounds in 4 months. I'm so scared of failing! 

And i know that this is the fat persons frame of mind. We are so use to not being able to lose the weight or we lose it and then it comes rushing back on. We are so use to being a failure that we expect it because the let downs we have been though are just to much. So even after having what i consider the most powerful surgery avaliable, i'm still expecting myself to fail because that is what i'm use too. 

Well, my husband is on the phone now bitching about my dad, so i've got to go!

Here's to not failing one more day, maybe my mind will learn to succed!

I haven't been around that much this last few months, i know, i'm bad. I'm now half way through my stupid 12 month diet program and it's killing me. The girls there are very nice and they know what they are talking about, but they have never been in the posistion that i'm in now. 

I feel my body giving up on me. I have new fun circulatory system problems. I have a pinched nerve in my groan area that makes my legs go numb, and something else in my feel that makes me feet burn and go numb. My knees aren't going to last much longer. How long until i'm one of those poor souls that are bed bound? I know that i'm still a long way off from that, i think, but i can see my health and my body going down the hill. Everyday it's something new. 

I miss having a sex drive, i've stopped having a period. I've lost nothing on this program, and that's not for a lack of trying. I'm eating better, i'm walking 2 times a day 5 days a week for 15 minutes each time. Plus, i'm doing more at home. I'm tyring, I've been trying for 6 months now....but no, i've got to wait 6 more months! 

I don't know what else i can do but waiting is killing me, sometimes i think literally. 

Till next time!
Jenny

First i apologize that I’m posting so much, but i feel the need to write, so i am. And i most likely will be stealing some of this stuff to put on my myspace blog too. Which is www.myspace.com/ldyminerva if anyone is interested. 

Every once in awhile i stop and think about how i don't feel 31, i still feel 21 and i think that has a lot to do with the fact that is the age when i became a single mother. Those where traumatic times for me; I was 20 when i got pregnant, the guy was 28. I was living in a town where i knew virtually no one. When I finally admitted to myself and to him that I was pregnant, he did what any mature man would do and that is he yelled at me for a month to get an abortion, poisoned me, cheated on me and then finally threw me out in the middle of the night but not before taking a knife to me and threatening to cut my baby out.

So it’s safe to say that who ever I was before that point in my life was gone. I became a shell of a person. But looking back I am really proud of myself because that baby he wanted me to kill is my precious 9 year old daughter now. And who ever I was before that maybe gone but over all I like the person I have become. 

But that all strays from my main point, which is will I ever get past 21? Will this traumatic event in my life ever let me see myself as this older me? I don’t feel like a mom or a wife. I am both of those things and I love being them……but deep down I still think I should be going out and drinking and having fun….because that is what I gave up in order to have my child. 

I lost my train of thought so I guess I’ll end by saying, I have done so many things in my life that I am not proud of. I have slept with men because I didn’t care about myself, I have done drugs, I have drank too much, I have lied, I have stolen, and so many other things I’m sure the rest of the world would find appalling, but in the end I don’t care what the rest of the world has to say about my life. In the end I did the best I could and in the end when it came down to the thick of things, I was able to hold my ground when it really mattered, I was able to keep my convictions intact, and I was able to raise a wonderful child by myself for 4 years. After 4 years I meet my husband and he’s been helping ever since. 

“Mary got pregnant from a kid named Tom that said he was in love
He said, "don't worry about a thing, baby doll
I'm the man you've been dreaming of."
But 3 months later he say he won't date her or return her calls
And she swear, "god damn, if i find that man I’m cuttin' off his balls."
And then she heads for the clinic and
She gets some static walking through the door
They call her a killer, and they call her a sinner
And they call her a whore
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes
'cause then you really might know what it's like to have to choose” - Everlast 

 

 

 I want to add a disclaimer here, i am pro choice, I choose to keep my child but that doesn't make me any better or any worst then someone who made the choice not to keep the child. It's the hardest choice one has to make and which ever choice you choose is hard and i respect any woman (and man) who had to make that choice, no matter what they ended up choosing.

Dear Senator Birkholz, 

I ask you to consider voting to keep our civil service pay increases this April. Senate Appropriations Chair Ron JELINEK says "hardworking families and private sector employees have faced layoffs, pay cuts, loss of benefits and other employment concessions," and "In these difficult and uncertain economic times, it would be fiscally irresponsible and grossly unfair to raise taxes on Michigan's hardworking citizens while providing salary increases to state government employees,"

Am I not a hardworking citizen of this State? I am the bottom rung when it comes civil servants. In recent years I have been asked to do the job of what 8 people use to do; now there are only 2 of us left. And those 8 people who where here before me where paid more and where higher levels then what I am.

I make less then $35,000 a year (as a Senator you make how much money?) and I am forced to support a family of four on this income because since times are so tough my husband is laid off. I am depending on that raise to help me make ends meet because right now, I can’t even pay my consumer energy bill. 

The State Of Michigan is where I have grown up. Both my parents are civil servants; I call this the family business. But in recent years I have seen this great State of mine deteriorate. We have the 2^nd highest unemployment rate and one of the largest out of state migration of citizens that I have ever heard of. If things do not change, I and my family are going to be forced to leave this state, the only place I have ever known as home, to find a better place to live. 

Meanwhile, I sit at my desk and watch people being promoted to positions that don’t need to exist.  I see a government that is so top heavy that it has to fight to find things for these upper management types to do. In the 3 ½ years I have been where I’m at, we have moved 3 times and have been reorganized at least twice. None of this has changed what I do or what I call my job. But it wastes state funds by hiring moving companies and having to change all the forms that we use. Offer the early out so we can loose some of the dead weight on top that is pulling us down. There are other ways to cut funds in the state without cutting my increase that is less then a week away. 

The Two-Party Monopoly needs to stop! You have to stop fighting each other with such hatred that nothing gets done and we citizens suffer. Open your eyes and see the real problems of the working class, and not just what special interest groups bring to you. No one is fighting for me and the thousands of people just like me. The ones that don’t have a special interest group, the ones living pay check to pay check, just trying to survive and raise our families in peace. But we are getting sick off it and we will start voting in third party people no matter how hard (and unfair) it is to do so.

Spring is normally the happiest time in my life. But this  year something is different. And the differance is me and the wieght i've put on. Last year i think i weighted about 280, which is still huge, but now i weight about 330. and i don't have any energy to do ANYTHING. This is making my spring time very very depressing. 

I had a huge fight with my husband over the weekend because i don't have sex with him enough. And i honestly feel horrible about that but my lack of a sex drive has more to do with my body not making "those" chemicals anymore then the whole i hate myself thing.  but both are major playing cards in all of this. It's hard enough hating myself without having to apologize to him all the time. but he is right, he needs to feel sexy too. He needs to know that i find him desirable still. and maybe i shouldn't of smacked his hand away like he was a toddler going for the candy dish....but that was just a reflex. Lets just say screaming and hitting of stearing wheels and breaking of doors and remotes was involved.....but we are good now.

1. Like everyone else, i want to cross my legs like a lady
2. I want to want to make love to my husband
3. I want to buy nice cloths in places other then Lane Bryant
4. I want to want to be girly
5. I want to be able to wear heels all day and be comfortable
6. I want to fit in every bathroom stall i go into 
7. I want to be able to sit in an airplane and not have burses when i get off the plane.

Newly added Goals

8. Fit in a booth 
9. Fit comfortable in the seats at the movies
10. Be able to ride the rides in an amusment park
11. Take a bath 
12. Climb stairs without getting tired 
13. Walk in the mall or at Walmart w/o getting tired 
14. No more Sleep Apnea 
15. Weigh less than 300 pounds
16. Weigh less than 200 pounds
17. Enjoy having my picture taken 

Well, i meet with the personal trianer 1st last night. She was nice. She was all worried that i wouldn't be able to do the bike test cuz i was in a skirt.....but i did it anyway....i'm always in a skirt. I feel that pants look like crap on my cuz they show my fat more but with the right skirt it is covered up more. I did all 10 minutes on that bike, and it hurt my knees, but i did it anyway. I go back on April 4th and she'll have a program for me to follow then given what equiment i have at home.

then i meet with the dietician. she's also really nice and i like the program they have. I don't have to count calories or anything like that. I have a list of what i'm allowed to eat and i have to mark a box every time i eat it. Like i'm allowed 2 milk products (milk and yougart), and then like 5 veggies, 8 startches....stuff like that. In the end it should end up to be about 1800 calories a day. 

I did some math and i could actually lose 85-90 pounds on this program and still qualifiy for surgery. I'm hoping to loose about 50 durning this next year, that's my goal. 

On the down side, in the last month since i've seen them i've actually GAINED 10 pounds. that kind of depresses me, i'm not up to 330!

My next appointment is April 4th and then i'm going in bi weekly after that till i feel that i'm getting the hang of it. I tried to come in before April 4th, but they are still just setting up shop in my area, so the schedule is tight for after 5pm appointments. 

I've also informed both of them that i plan on having surgery if this doesn't work, so that while i'm going to try my hardest on this program, i want to make sure they are taken really good notes because i do not want to be turned down by the insurance company.