Long time no blog

Mar 08, 2014

I haven't blogged in awhile, what an odd term.  Is that one of those new words that's made it's way into our dictionaries?  While I haven't blogged in awhile I have been quite busy with appointments.  I went from almost nothing happening to being at the centre a few times a month.  Now as much as I complained about nothing happening, I'm now getting freaked out.  I read the posts on OH often enough to know that it is perfectly normal to feel that way.  I think it would be crazy not to feel that way, in some form or another.  I was freaked out by the scope for Pete's sake.

When I started this journey, and that was awhile ago, I mean way before appointments started we all began contemplating it.  Really our first step was approaching our GP.  Mine brought it up with me a year before I finally agreed when I went to see him one day to see if he had a miracle pill I could take.  Yes, when I started this journey I didn't know what to expect.  I didn't fully know that this process is very detailed, very thorough and has it's ups and downs.

Many times I've stepped back from the chaos of appointments and reading posts to think how I fit into all of this.  I mean, I hang off every word of people who are diligently journaling their monthly success and yearly triumphs but I also see their struggles, their stumbles and their heartaches.  The truth is when I had my orientation I just wanted to hit fast forward and get to surgery.  Now I realize that one day, one week and one year after surgery I will still be the same person (hopefully a smaller version) but still the same Mom, same wife, same friend.  I will still have the mortgage to pay, the laundry to wash and the dinners to cook in the few hours I have when I get home from work.  I knew that before, but it's somehow different in the past few days as I get closer to be end goal of surgery.

The normal day to day will still be there.  I will still eat, I will still stress and I will still struggle.  It will be up to me to decide what I put in my mouth, how far I push myself to exercise and how I handle the stress.  If I don't change that, I will be right back where I started.  I won't let that happen.  I will not let that happen.

I've seen a lot of people posting NSV which took me a month to figure out meant non scale victory, and that only happened because someone finally asked what the hay it meant.  I think about them, dream about them, see other people doing them and wish I could do it also.  Just a few...

1. Cross my legs, not sit like an old Italian grandma with her legs in rolled up stockings 3 feet apart
2. Tie my shoes up without cutting off all air to my lungs and stand up without a purple face and feeling like I'm going to pass out
3. Shop in a normal store, although they are getting better there is nothing attractive about the words plus size, full figured etc.
4. Fit comfortably in any seat, anywhere and not bulge over the sides so bad your neighbour is thinking "please tell me I'm not next to her"
5. Reach every part of my body without being the most creative contortionist and well, this is for some obvious reasons
6. Go back to playing hockey and soccer like I did in University and loved more than anything
7. I want rain boots.  I love rain boots, always have.  I want to have a calf that allows me to wear rain boots whenever I want.  Bright fun rain boots.
8. Play with my kids, go for a bike ride, walk to the park, swim with them, chase them, play road hockey with them, swing with them
9. Get rid of the boob sweat, that narly place that needs to be washed twice a day and four in the summer, you know what I'm talking about
10. Be comfortable with who I am, not try to hide on the sidelines.  The bigger I got the more I tried to hide, a little hard when you're 120lbs overweight

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