Leah66

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Oh, the difference a few hours make.  If I had written this post first thing this morning it would have gone much differently, I woke up feeling all kinds of negative about this experience. First I didn't sleep well last night I was up every few hours but I guess I could attribute that to trying to get used to being home from the hospital, secondly I woke up in quite a bit of pain and discomfort, I updated my FB page and even used the term buyers remorse. I was kinda moody and not feeling the whole going through painful surgery to lose weight situation at all this morning. 
 
But now after I've had my shower, gotten, dressed, had some fluids and taken a walk, I feel pretty good. The optimism is back and I'm again looking forward to the future.

So let me say, the operation went well, Dr. Neff is all kinds of awesome, even my daughters felt at ease after my pre surgery consultation Tuesday morning.

Then I had a rough two days in the hospital, a lot of pain and discomfort, and the stuff I was throwing up was just eww.  I'm realizing now the meds they were giving me for nausea is actually what made me feel so sick. Now that I'm off the IV, I feel much better.
 
I have six small incisions ranging from a half inch to an inch and a half, the largest one is the only one giving me trouble, except for the fact that I can see the liquid bandage I really would'nt know the other five are there.  Two of my smallest have already healed over.  The largest however which is probably where most of the work was done is still very sore, the muscles inside are extremely tender so that I have to lie perfectly on my back to sleep and if I'm not wearing a light panty girdle I literally have to hold my hand or a pillow against that spot not to feel pain as I move.

Ok for the good news,

I know it's too soon to worry about getting in a lot of protein but I have begun adding Special K Protien to my water, I have the strawberry kiwi and it's pretty good.  Kinda taste like unset jello and I've had one of my two Flinstone vitamins, I carefully bit at it and chewed it before swallowing, I was able to get it down with no nausea.

I'm learning that I have to get up and walk everytime I swallow something to avoid any discomfort, even if it's just around the room. So far so good, I get weighed next week on the 6th, I'm curious to see if I've lost any weight but more importantly I'm focused on following my doctors orders.

I'll keep you posted!

 So tomorrow is the big day, I thought I would be nervous right now and I'm not, I'm resolved. Thought I would be craving one last gigantic meal, but food is the furthest thing from my mind. I switched from my low fat, low cal diet to a liquid diet on Friday, last night I did have a few ounces of lean turkey, a little lettuce and tomato and a slice of swiss cheese, but otherwise I've had water, protien shakes and hot broth for the weekend. Last week I went through some wierd emotional stuff, ranging from being angry with myself for ever letting my weight get this bad, to crying at the drop of a hat (boo hoo'd like a baby while watching the movie Bridesmaids), but today I'm mentally ready to start my life sleeved.  So barring any complication, my next update should be post op. Wish me luck, I'm wishing you th same!

So excited to report my surgery has been approved!!! So it's official, Tuesday September 27th will be the start of a new life for me.

I'm happy…
 
I mean have a good life, I've accomplished many things in my life, I have a great husband who is my best friend, he would give me the world if he owned it, I have three awesome kids that continue to make me proud, and I couldn't ask for better family and friends. I think, I'm friendly, funny and maybe a little interesting, people seem to like me.  

I'm not rich, but we've been lucky enough to spoil ourselves a little over the years, I've been to some really cool places, gone on some amazing trips, eaten at some really great restaurants.  I'm a good cook so I've even prepared some fabulously indulgent meals of my own...so for all intents and purposes I should be really happy...right?

Right?

I am except for the fact that I'm fat. No, not just fat.  I am obese to the point where it is almost debilitating.  I used to consider myself as Rubenesque, Zaftig, you know large but still very sexy.  Easily I described myself as a BBW (big beautiful woman), and I wore that badge proudly.

But the truth is three's nothing beautiful about your body aching all of the time, not being able to keep up. Not much is pretty about your life being limited by the boundaries of your body’s own weight, it was bad when I was younger, but now I am over forty and the older you get, them harder things become.  Even your sex life suffers, even that.

I can't walk more than a few yards without needing to sit down, as much as I love dancing, when I do I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack.  I can't tell you how many times I got up for a line dance just to find myself mentally cursing the song  for being so dang long. I try to fight through being out of breath and feeling like I'm going to collapse for as long as I can, but eventually I have to sit down before the song is over just so that I can compose myself.

As much as I love the beach, my first concern when going is 'how long is the walk going to be from the car to the water?', if it's too long I know I'm better off not going because my back, shoulders and legs will ache so much from the pressure of carrying me, that there will be very little for me to enjoy when I finally get there.

I actually love spending time outdoors, I enjoy hiking, biking, swimming even horseback riding, but the size of my body prevents me from enjoying anything without either pain, exhaustion or embarrassment, so in most cases I just sit it out.

I don't go to the theater or to fashion shows or to many concerts (though I love them all) because the seats though regular sized for most people for me is tight, uncomfortable and restrictive. 

I truly enjoy traveling but I dread long car rides or sitting in an airplane seat, even with a seat belt extension, I'm cramped and miserable.

I try to pretend that I'm OK with the seat pinching the sides of my thighs and not being able to open or close my legs for hours, but it's not OK.

The only thing I seem to do without discomfort is sit and eat.

 

Sad.

Oh and I've lost weight, lots and lots of weight.   I've worked out, I've been on Weight Watchers, Medifast, Optifast, Nutrisystem, Susan Powters' Stop the Insanity, Phentermine and Fenfluramine,  the cabbage soup diet, Atkins, the South Beach diet,  the lemonade diet, you name it, I've tried it and in many cases I've lost quite a bit of weight, just to gain it all back, plus twenty pounds for my efforts.

I once lost one hundred pounds on Phen Fen in just nine months time. I was so small that I was wearing mini skirts and booty shorts. Let me tell you, the overwheling feeling I had of losing control of myself as I gained it back was almost unbearable. It was depressing to say the least, so I tried blocking it out and ate myself silly to deal with the pain. 

Then I got to where I am now, afraid to start another diet, just to find myself failing at it again. I desperately need to lose the weight for once and for all, but so scared that I don't have the tools to make a permanent change. You think being fat sucks? Watching yourself creep back up the scale after losing dozens of pounds, watching your hard work spin out of control, and feeling like you can't get a grip on stopping it.  That's the real definition of sucking.

My decision to have bariatric surgery isn't for the "quick fix" people are ready to accuse you of, there will be nothing quick about a life long commitment to an altered body, and to healthier eating, exercise, nutrition, supplements, etc. Its work, the same work I've put into myself dozens and dozens of times before.

I made this decision, because for me having a smaller stomach, rewiring my body to fit my goal of eating healthier, eating less, not letting myself spin out of control, is the tool and the motivation I need to start this process again, but this time with hope that the changes I make can for the first time in my life be permanent.

As my surgery date approaches, it’s scheduled for September 27^th  pending insurance approval, I find myself filled with excitement, apprehension, resolve, caution…but most of all hope.

 

For me... this just makes sense.

Wish me luck because I'm wishing you the same!