Leanne31

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I haven't written anything here in so long.  My life has changed so much and so quickly.  After 20 years of marriage, I got divorced last year.  Everyone seems to think it had something to do with my weight loss, and if I'm honest, maybe it did.  I had filed for divorce one other time many years ago, but my husband convinced me to stay.  After my weight loss, I felt better about myself and was physically and emotionally strong enough to believe that I could stand on my own two feet.  And I have done that.

I bought a house for the kids and me and had such a great time decorating it.  I didn't take so much as a dish rag with me from my marital home.  All I took was my clothes and family things that my grandmother/mom/sisters had given me over the years.  I do feel like I've gone through a true rebirth.

And as far as dating goes, just a huge WOW.  Although I'm far from skinny at about 188 pounds, I have more male attention than I know what to do with.  I actually had gotten down to about 175, but gained some weight back over the holidays and I prefer this weight.  When I was at 175, my loose skin on my neck and stomach was much more visible.  I am probably going to try to stay at this weight unless I can afford plastics at some point. 

But back to men.  Because I was morbidly obese for so long, I had become invisible to men.  Now, it is astonishing to me that so many guys flirt with me, want to take me out, tell me that I'm beautiful, etc.  The attention is intoxicating and somewhat alarming to me.  I had started seeing someone right after my divorce and we really jumped in head first.  He got divorced eight years ago and hadn't seen anyone since.  Our story is a special one and I do love him, but I need some time to be sure that he's the right one.  We've agreed at this point to slow things down, but aren't putting a period at the end of the sentence either.

I feel like a totally different person because of the way that others react to me.  That's both because of my physical transformation and due to my increased confidence.  Most of my life is new -- job (changed jobs in August of last year), house, marital status, appearance, church (still looking for the right one), and overall just trying to figure out who I want to be now.

The only constant I can identify is CHANGE!

I had a very interesting conversation with a wise person yesterday.  During our conversation, the topic of goals/dreams came up and I realized that I don't have any dreams now.  When I was younger, I had many dreams and contemplating them provided countless hours of happy anticipation.  I'm not sure when my dreams died, but there is probably a direct causal link to my weight as it increased over the years.  The extra weight suffocated me in many ways.

Obesity is a clever thief.  I hadn't even realized that it had stolen my dreams until they had been gone for a long time.  By the time I became aware that they were no longer in my possession, they were nothing more than distant memories in a far corner of my mind.  Obesity crept in when I was most vulnerable physically and emotionally and snatched my dreams away from me effortlessly and without making single sound.

I will reclaim that which is rightfully mine -- my dreams have no value to anyone other than me.  Obesity has an insatiable appetite to take everything good from those it afflicts.  It is driven by greed and the desire to leave its victims with nothing more than despair and poor health.

So I'm going to revisit having dreams again.  It is time to awaken that which has been dormant for too long and to take back what obesity stole from me.  I know one dream I have is to travel and see much of the world.  There are certain mystical places that have always fascinated me -- Easter Island, Stonehenge, and Machu Pichu are some of them.  I intend to see those places and explore them thoroughly!

There now, I have identified one clear dream.  I hope that many more will follow.

Everyone said that the first year would fly by and it sure has.  I can't believe that this time last year I weighed about 130 pounds more than I do today.  I am surprised at how quickly my health problems resolved and how much better I feel as a whole.  I was convinced that I had something wrong with me, some mysterious diagnosis (like the show they have on TLC!) that my doctors had missed that caused my fatigue, the swelling in my legs and feet, and the aches and pains I felt.  I didn't buy that it was all because of my morbid obesity, but I was in denial and I was wrong.

Today I visited a friend who had RNY surgery yesterday.  She is still in the hospital, but she was quite alert when I saw her and I can't wait for her to start seeing the many positive changes that will come.  Just a year ago, that was me in the hospital bed recovering from my surgery.  I had no idea what life was going to be like after my surgery, and if I had known, I would have been so very excited and happy.  I was certainly optimistic, but wouldn't have dreamed that after a year, I would be so close to my personal goal weight.

Speaking of that goal weight, I'm less than 20 pounds away from it.  I can't remember the last time that all I was worried about was losing 20 pounds or so.  That sounds so unimpressive somehow.  I don't know anyone who wouldn't like to lose 20 pounds!  I may end up losing more than another 20 pounds, but I'm going to be quite thrilled if I can just get those last 20 off.  Actually, if I just stay where I am and do not gain anything back, that would be okay, too.

I think I just said I'm okay with my body the way it is right now.  That's a wow moment if ever there was one.

My family and I just returned from a wonderful seven-night cruise to St. Thomas, Dominica, Barbados, St. Lucia, St. Kitts, and St. Maarten.  This was our first major vacation since I had my surgery last summer.   We had gone on a cruise last year for spring break, but it wasn't very much fun for me.  Because of my weight at that time, I didn't have the strength or stamina to participate in many activities.  I was also suffering from a terribly painful and sudden episode of gout, and could barely even walk.  It was a pretty miserable trip.

What a difference a year makes!  On this cruise, I had a fabulous time and was able to go on every excursion I wanted -- even those with weight restrictions!  In St. Thomas, my daughter and I went parasailing and it was a truly thrilling experience.  We also swam at beautiful Magen's Bay, where I enjoyed being in the ocean all afternoon and didn't feel at all self-conscious about being in my swimsuit the whole time.  In Dominica, we went kayaking down a river and into the ocean.   I was pleasantly surprised (okay, shocked actually)  to be able to paddle the kayak the whole time and I wasn't even sore the next day!  We spent a lovely afternoon snorkeling in the crystal-clear waters of St. Kitts and hiked through the rain forest to a warm mineral pool in St. Lucia.  We did a tremendous amount of walking on the ship and in the ports that we visited and I was able to do all of it without getting winded, sore, or having to stop and rest all the time.

On formal night, we got some family pictures made.  In the past, I hated having my picture taken.  This time, I felt great in my fancy floor-length dress that I had gotten just for the cruise and our pictures turned out to be very nice.

Now for my confession...I didn't exactly eat the way I should have on the ship.  I ate many things that I never eat at home, but I wasn't able to eat a large quantity of anything (good or bad!).  I tried to focus on protein, but it's hard when you have so many other temptations.  I also didn't journal my food intake as I do at home and I didn't go to the gym on board the ship as I thought I would.

I had two episodes of stomach discomfort while on the cruise.  Once was when we were on a catamaran boat excursion that included lunch and I decided to try the chicken.  I should have known better because chicken and I haven't been getting along since my RNY.  Well, I ate some and felt like I was going to throw up for a couple of hours (wish I could have because I would have felt better sooner).  The other time I had stomach pain was when I ate too much of a sandwich too fast.  I knew I should have stopped at half, but I hadn't had anything to eat in 8 hours and my head hunger won that battle.  I ended up not being able to eat a bite of my dinner the last night on board the ship -- and I was really looking forward to it, too!

When we got back, I faced the scale and guess what?  I didn't gain at all!  I had a wonderful vacation, enjoyed a little food freedom, and came home refreshed and ready to resume my careful eating, food journaling, and exercise.

Finally, seven months after my surgery, I have enough energy to exercise.  We rejoined the YMCA last weekend and I've gone nearly every day since!  I only missed when I was out of town on business one day.  I have been pleasantly surprised at how easy it's been to become more physically active.  I had thought that not doing any exercise for so long would make it painful and difficult to get back in the habit of doing it.  I was wrong!

The first day we joined, I walked on the treadmill for 40 minutes.  Granted, I wasn't exactly running, but I was able to walk at a reasonable speed and stay on there for 40 minutes.  After I did that, I decided to work out on the weight machines.  I was a bit ambitious on those and tried doing the weights I used to do when I went regularly.  I was a bit sore the next day from that, but it wasn't unbearable. 

My goal is to go to the gym a minimum of three times a week and preferably five times a week.  I will do cardio each time I go for a minimum of 30 minutes and I will work out on the weight machines every other time.  I have always been told by trainers that it's best to do weights every other day.  I do have an appointment with a trainer on Sunday and I'll ask him if my goals are good ones or if I should tweak anything.

I think that our upcoming trip is really motivating me to work out.  I want to be able to enjoy every island we visit and do as much walking as is needed to see and do everything I want.  I am also so very close to being under 200 pounds and I can't wait to get there.  As I write this, I'm just 11.8 pounds away.

This surgery has enabled me to make so much progress with my health and fitness goals. 

I saw my surgeon today for my official six month post-op appointment.  It was good to see him and to hear him say that I'm losing faster than he projected.  He thinks I'll get to goal by the next time I see him in three months.  I'm amazed at how quickly the weight has come off so far and hope that he's right about getting to goal in the next few months.

I wonder whether I'll be satisfied with losing another 20-40 pounds.  I'm pretty happy right now, but know I have a lot of extra weight left.  I'm within 20 pounds of my high school weight, so if I lose 40 more pounds, I'll be at least a size smaller than I was back in those days.  On the other hand, the dreaded ideal weight chart suggests that I still have a loooong way to go to get to "normal."  I don't buy that there's a one size fits all weight for everyone my height though.  A doctor that I saw for many years once told me that a healthy weight range for me would be in the 160-180 range.  Now *that's* doable and seems more reasonable.  I truly can't imagine myself at 143 pounds with my 5'8" large frame, but maybe I'll change my mind later.  I'm not going to define my success as getting to 143.  I know the last time I weighed anywhere near that, I was in elementary school!

For now, I know I've made excellent progress.  Losing over 100 pounds in just over six months is an accomplishment.  Yes, I have a tool that helps me, but I also work really hard at making good choices.  Sometimes I slip, but it's not very often.  I didn't go through such major surgery and pay for it 100% out-of-pocket to be a failure.

Life is just better these days.  I'm not embarrassed to run into someone I haven't seen in a long time.  I can shop anywhere I want.  I don't look pregnant now.  I don't walk by a full-length mirror and wonder who that woman is looking back at me.   I'm looking forward to going ziplining and/or parasailing on our upcoming vacation and hope that my improved health will enable me to do volunteer work that was too strenuous in the past for me.  I don't feel like my weight is preventing me from living the life that I was meant to live.

It's hard to believe that I had my gastric bypass surgery six months ago.  I first met with a bariatric surgeon over five years ago.  At that time, my insurance would pay for the surgery if I followed a six-month doctor-supervised diet first.  I ended up seeing a weight loss doctor who convinced me that I could lose the weight with diet, exercise, and Phentermine.  Lose weight I did...82 pounds in less than a year!  I was thrilled until the Phentermine stopped working and the weight starting creeping back.  Unfortunately, when I realized it was time to look at the surgery again, our policy had changed and weight loss surgery was no longer covered at all for any reason whatsoever.

I tried Weight Watchers again, but it didn't work very long for me.  I joined another gym, but didn't have the stamina or energy to go on a regular basis.  Finally, in early 2009, I told my husband that I simply had to have the surgery even though we'd have to pay for it out-of-pocket.   $20,000 was the pricetag.  Ouch!

Then I began my consultations...the surgeon, the nutritionist, the psychologist.  I had several tests and was eventually cleared to have my surgery on July 1, 2009.  That was a day that changed my life forever.

So six months have gone by.  I've lost over 105 pounds.  I've gone from a size 30/32 to a size 16/18 in most things.  I'm off all blood pressure and cholesterol medications and no longer suffer from sleep apnea.  The swelling in my legs and ankles is GONE.  I can fit on an airplace comfortably and restaurant booths don't scare me any more.  Everything is so much better.  My BMI has gone from 49 to 33.

My cholesterol is 180 and my triglycerides are under 150.  The only issue I have at this point is that my liver enzymes are quite elevated.  My primary care doctor is puzzled by that, but I'm seeing my gastroenterologist next week and hope he can figure out what's going on with my liver.

So, what's hard?  Getting my protein in each day continues to be a challenge.  Most meat doesn't agree with me now.  I am almost a vegetarian even though I used to like meat.  I'm hoping that my stomach will tolerate meat better as the months go by.

I can't wait to see what the next six months bring!