LeeLeewaysin
My Boat, my sails!
Jan 08, 2013
There's something about staring death in the eye for three months that makes you feel like you can do anything. My mother died December 27th and I feel like I lost my best friend, the only person in the world that truly understood me...including my demons. Maybe it's just the shock of losing the person who carried you for 9 months, nurtured you to independence and sacrificed her own happiness for your prosperity, that heightens your senses to super hero levels. Things have never been so clear for me in my life. I can see down every track that lays ahead of me in every direction and I know what I have to do in each. I simply need to choose MY track. I have never possessed such clarity in my life. I feel like my body and spirit can endure the strongest of pain and disappointment that life can throw at you, both physically and mentally. I can almost feel the transformation coming for me.
Its time to face my demons and take responsibility for my life. It's not just about my weight, its not just about my relationship, its not just about my fears...its about my life, my entire existence and consciousness and taking hold of it, because its mine and I want it back. I've never taken control of it, I've let others lead and dictate its way...by never taking accountability for my own actions and decisions, finding anything and anyone else to blame.... telling myself that I was the victim. Here's my awakening moment ....not only am I not a victim, I'm actually the abuser.
Can you believe that sh*t???...I'm actually the one abusing myself. I've been abusing my heart, my body my soul and my mind for years now...decades even. Maybe one might say Oh, lady you're being too hard on yourself...give yourself a break....well you see, that's the problem people....., I have been buying into and banking on that mentality for too long. It's weak!!!!...it has done nothing for me, except open more doors to missed opportunities and unnecessary suffering.
Life is hard dammit and sometimes simply put, there is just no excuse!. At what point do we say 'enough is enough, changes have to be made'? And seriously....like how lucky are we that we live in a part of the world that allows for such changes to be made?
What or who pushed us into a corner and said I'm driving this boat and you have no way out? Who are these people and why did I allow my boat to travel to places I never wanted to go...why did people who were not good enough to travel with me get in my boat...why did I let go of time and the sails...why did I let somebody else tell me they were captain ...I`m the f*cking captain!
OK....sure...I know all about barriers and the fact is, sometimes there are real barriers to life and growth that we are presented with...some even out of our control (although I am apprehensive typing that).....hmmm there's that word again...control.....Let`s talk about that...
For me anyway, it seems like such a fallacy....control...spffff...whateva...we are so much more resourceful and stronger than we ever give our selves credit for....but for me, I always thought I was ``ok`` with taking the easier way out....that I could make it work and still live with myself.... Fact is, I spent too much of my life trying to cover up the truth, run from my problems or flat out ignore them hoping for the day when I would just forget about them, ultimately just putting my own life on hold....Ya know what people, I can sail this boat.
Life is hard, I am strong
Life is precious, I am conscious
Life is love, I am free
