LilaCheryl
Two years out since last post - time flies when I'm having fun
Sep 04, 2010
In May 2007 I had the surgery, so I guess it's now over 3 yrs. I'm stabilized at 250 lbs... was down to 225 for awhile, when not eating, but am happy right here where I am.
Gotta figure out how to get a pic up onto here.
Here's a pic from February of this year (seven months ago):
Sixteen months out!
Sep 30, 2008
Just making sure I keep up on this thing. Last time got weighed as about 2-3 wks ago, and was at 284, down from 456, so being under 300 is just a miracle to me. I walk so fast sometimes I look down at myself and wonder where all the energy was for so long, how my fat took it away.
Have some new pics to put up - and am feeling better. Anybody out there?
Lila
Last days of January I'm taking charge!!!!
Jan 25, 2008
Surgery was May. Weight then was 435.
Weight in late November was 345.
Weight last Friday was 331, so I'm down a full 125 pounds from when this all started.
One of the people in the office where I work said I seem to have a spring in my step - and I know I do - just didn't realize anyone could tell.
Last Sunday we went to Wallyworld, and I wanted some t-shirts for under my work clothes, as I've been colder than I can remember being in years --- the loss of flab does indeed affect ones body temperature!
Ended up buying some seven shirts, 5 with long sleeves. Had to stock up on my protein shakes too then, so that was one monster bill!
Haven't had new clothes in over 30 months, I figured out when I was so excited and showing everyone the new t-shirt beneath my sweater.
Been eating oranges (no membranes) and celery with peanut butter, trying to get my protein in places other than the shakes and meat, which still makes my stomach react funny. Have to cook the other turkey breast I have in the freezer soon.
I have been ON IT regarding my problems - the sleep apnea machine messing up so bad will be fixed next Wednesday I hope - have a doctor appt that day. The counselor I went to see on Monday - I was upfront, telling her I believe that my grief is affecting me and I don't know how to get over Gram's death. Asked her outright, can she teach me how to grieve so I can get over this, get past it, and she said yes. Myself, I am still awaiting results. I see her again on the 31st - this coming Thursday, actually. Hate being weak. And I'm working at the biggest worry I have right now, that big mess of money I have to pay before March. I don't feel strong - I feel weak and like I told that counselor, I just want to sleep and avoid well, pretty much everything.
Also, I got an appt through my new local general practitioner to see an OB/GYN about the pills I need to stave off the cancer issue - the appt is for February 14th - rather fitting, I think.
My sincere thanks to my friends who have left me comments - I appreciate the encouragement more than I can say. Haven't been on because my computer at home is compromised and barely have time to breathe when at work - so please know the comments were very much appreciated!!
Back to work - L
Christmas Already?????
Dec 18, 2007
Been suffering, to be blunt.
Been really, really, really depressed, like I never have been before.
About two weekends ago I realized how low I was and well, I thought I wanted to live.
So I got into this site and looked around, for depression and suicide and found lots of info, particularly about "take away a persons way of comforting oneself - with food - and one no longer can comfort oneself", which was rather how I was feeling except I was focused on my Grandmother, who was my best friend, who died almost three years ago now.
It puzzled me, and still does, that I ran from grieving for so long, worked at it really hard, actually, but I had to get all the way down to where I didn't think I could come up before I faced how very much I miss her. Cuz I sure do.
Had a lot to do with sleeping, too - before the surgery, I was so exhausted just trying to live that -- well, let's just say I slept alot.
Now I'm having major trouble sleeping - last night, a Monday night, I finally got to sleep at 11:30pm, and woke at 3:30 when my daughter came home from work - and am here at work, eyes completely bloodshot - face all dry-skinned, but I'm here.
I know these people at my job probably think I'm on drugs, but am on only the prescribed meds & vitamins, along with the Migraine pills that are supposed to make me tired, but actually don't, unless I take four of them, and that scares me.
I do have some good news. Wow - a month ago - it's been a whole month. Wow.
Went to the doctors, am down 87 since my surgery in May (110 since the beginning of this year). I have some interesting pictures - we have to wear ID badges at work, and I scanned the pics on my last few, just to have the pic - and have a look, if anyone reads this blog - I look different a bit!
So now, when I get home my daughter takes off to work - so we can share my car as hers is broken - and I try my best to get through each evening, holding my cats close and listening to them purr. I clean. I try to exhaust myself even though this record snowfall is keeping me indoors for the most part.
Anyway, I'm trying to get past this, and not having much luck, but I'm trying.
And that's all I've got to say about that - other than these dehydration headaches are really, really, really getting old.
A Thankful Thursday
Oct 25, 2007
She got into trouble about something and just kinda imploded.
She didn't go back the next day, and the next after that, we went to get her car from the shop, as they don't know how to fix it there.
I've been very good since Monday - usually I mess myself up just about daily, but have this week been so good at turning over a new leaf - which is very difficult for me.
I'm finding I'm such an emotional eater - I get upset and I run, not walk, to the bad stuff, even knowing I'll make myself sick. How's that for stupid!?!
But now, after these four days, it is getting easier.
One day at a time.
Friends can see a weight loss in me - I figure I'm about a hundred pounds down - will know for sure in less than a month, as my next dr appt is Nov 19th.
Yesterday I wore a shirt I bought three years ago and could not wear then. I remember it as being too small by a couple inches around the waist, even when I was standing, and that it felt tight at the shoulders. And it is a 6X - non-stretchy material.
I wore it to work yesterday - and though I had to unbutton that bottom button whenever I sat down, it was so worth it.
For lunch today I had one of those boil in the bag broccoli & cheese things - and in an hour I ate the whole thing. Well, a little over an hour. The package was 2.5 servings, which has me concerned, but since I spent Mon & Tue unable to eat anything other than two cans of strawberry slimfast cuz I was so sick, I'm just glad I can get stuff down.
Gotta get outta here - have a good day everybody, and thanks for reading my blog.
Lila
Saturday - sick - hair falling out
Oct 12, 2007
I think I must have eaten too fast - the two bites of food I ate should have been six bites............. It was great - to take my clothes to the laundromat, put them in to wash and then go to a restaurant to eat a cheap ($12 for me AND my daughter) meal. I got my usual - scrambled eggs with cheese and toast on the side............. yum.
I get that about every two weeks, and was so looking forward to it - the eggs there are Excellent.
But I ate a bite - a big bite - bigger than I should have tried, I'm sure, and a bit of toast................ wheat toast perfectly browned, barely any butter.
And I didn't drink anything this time - nothing at all.
That big bite of egg tasted perfect. Wow - a perfect bite - not too soggy or wet - dry and just that bit of cheese setting the taste off to perfection.
Heaven as I chewed and swallowed, anticipating the rest of it.
Next bite was Just as GREAT, and I tried to chew slowly, and then a bit of toast - no crust, just the inner part is all I eat of toast nowadays.
MMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
That was it.
My elbows hit the table and I stared down at my plate, my stomach SCREAMING AT ME ------- "STOP NOWWWWWWWWWWWW", which of course I did.
Sat there for a good three minutes before I realized my breakfast was gonna come back up.
Got the check, and my dear daughter looking at me just grabbed my purse and paid the bill, asking for a box so we could leave.
We had such plans and now I've made a boob of the whole thing.
I don't get much time off........................ and somehow I've ruined today by eating.
I don't want to eat.
I never thought I'd feel this way, but eating is a bother - I get sick almost every time and I'm .............. I just don't want to eat.
Oy vey.
I want to live, not have to get sick so much.
I chose this.......... I don't regret it a bit.
I just don't want to be sick right now - I want to go go go go go go go!
Today I walked a long, long way
Oct 01, 2007
To my Dear Family and Friends,
Just have to share this with you. Today I got a ride with a friend from work to the NF Rainbow bridge. I walked across it after a full day at work, and it was a long, long walk. I rested seven times, but never sat down. I got through customs on this side and walked the long walk through the parking lot up to the road, hobbling but proud of myself. Proud that I could never have done even half of that six months ago. Proud that I went ahead and walked into my surgery back in May. Proud that I wasn't crying from the pain of the walk, as I did from not even a tenth of that distance back in January, trying to walk in to work.
Looking for the bus stop signs, I walked along, thrilled that I was going to get home for under three dollars, total, my limp not even embarrassing/frustrating me as it usually does.
And then I saw a cab, parked at the curb. I passed it by, knowing I didn't have enough money, and then turned back, thinking I'd just ask. He said $15-$16 and I smiled and said thanks anyway. He said, "Don't you have enough?" and I told him I only had a ten, but that was alright, I could catch the bus. And it was alright. I got up to the light, crossed, and went to the seats I'd seen people sit on, waiting for the bus. They were wet so I passed them by, but my knee was really hurting, so I turned back and brushed off the seat with the least amount of rain on it, and sat down slowly, trying not to hurt my knee more.
I sat there and looked across the street at an ice cream shop, so thirsty I could cry, and just when I'd made up my mind to wait five minutes and then get up and get a drink if the bus hadn't come, that cabbie went in front of me, hollering something.
I got up and halfway to the car, realized he was probably going to tell me that wasn't a bus stop and I started worrying about where I'd find one that buses came to. At his window I said "Isn't that a bus stop?" and he said no, no, that he'd take me home for the ten dollars. I told him some of it was in quarters and dimes, and he said that that was okay. He told me in the car that people test cabbies, looking for a good price, but I looked like I really needed the ride, and that he'd be mad at himself for the rest of the evening if I'd gotten on that bus.
I said thank you, and my thanks to your mother and told him about the car is in the shop, that the tester was showing nothing wrong but it was stalling out, quitting as I'd drive along, no matter how fast or slow I'd go. Didn't tell him about the $200 I'd blown on a sensor last week, hoping it was the sensor that was the problem.
So I got home safe and sound, and now I'm tossing back a couple Tylenol and just being thankful to have gotten home safely and with most of my pride :P
Stomach Acid taste??? I SUCK AT COOKING!!!!!!
Sep 22, 2007
So instead of doing what I know is right, I wanted to just get them cooked and in my tummy instead of heating up the whole apt with that oven.
I fried them, both of them, searing them very well, actually. Got them done through to the middle.
Sat down to do the slow, slow process of eating meat.
Didn't even get a third of one steak in me - absolutely no fat - I cut my strips out of the middle of the steak!
Didn't even get a third down when I was feeling sick. Figured it was just the allergies I'm reacting to this time of year, hacking and coughing up phlegm, running nose (clear) constantly, and not the food.
But I think I was wrong.
Woke this morning feeling sick to my stomach still, but it wasn't horrible. Got up, did some spreadsheet work for work, losing myself in my formulas, and about 1/2 hour was ready to try for more sleep. Lights off, got back in bed and damn but I burped a big one, tasting it in my mouth - a foul taste.
Laid there thinking I know that metalic taste, but what it is ---- and coughing, choking, I coughed up a mouthful of phlegm which I got up and spit out in the toilet.
Which is right when it hit me - THAT is what that taste is - been so long since I've tasted stomach acid that I'd forgotten what that was.
There in the bathroom I burped again, and started coughing and thought hell, if it wants to come up so bad, just let it, so I did.
Only got up a mouthful of pink bits, which tasted acidic, which I know isn't possible anymore, but it tasted awful.
Need to post this somewhere, cuz I want to know if somehow we get the stomach acid development happening sometime after surgery.
Or maybe this is just an issue with the meat. Maybe it was bad - didn't smell bad at all.
Or maybe it's my body's way of reacting to steak ---- or to the frying process - I never fry stuff -- been like five years since I poured oil into a frypan, since I've broiled everything for the past 20 years.
Better go post this and hope someone out there has some answers.
Sunday - bright and sunny New York
Aug 26, 2007
Was up as usual at six am, then slept til about 730, trying to keep quiet so my daughter can sleep in. She deserves it since we went to ride the Maid of the Mist yesterday morning.
Am hungry, really hungry, but I don't want to eat cuz of the feeling queasy. So it is 11:39 am and I've not yet eaten. Gotta get something in me - do have some peaches in the frig, and like seven melons, so have plenty I can eat if I just make up my mind to do so.
Had a good day yesterday, even though I didn't accomplish what all I wanted to - it was a relaxing day. A lay around day.
As for the surgery, well, my butt feels flabby. Tomorrow it will be 16 weeks since my surgery. That's four months. I can get around a lotttttttt easier, and I'm not so tired anymore - used to HAVE to take naps mid-day on weekends just to keep going, but don't need that anymore at all.
I have noticed that I'm getting zits - great, huh. I get them on my nose, in a place I've never had zits in my whole life. Maybe one on the crease now and then, but these are on my nose, not in the crease.
One thing I've noticed is that I don't crave chocolate anymore. I used to want it, really want some, but now I don't even want to eat food, at all, let alone something that now will make me sick.
I've gotta get my kid to eating better too. She's gotta be able to keep up with me!
Little angel yesterday went with me to the Farmers Market, me sick as a dog, from trying to eat nachos with cheese sauce smothered with tomatoes --- that's about the only thing I can eat at Taco Bell.
We walked around and she took bags and bags to the car for me. We got some more of that great corn, can't wait to try it!
Anyway, I woke this morning and when I went to the bathroom I ended up scrubbing the sink and cleaning the toilet before heading back to bed. No kidding, new things are a happenin!
Tons of work at work - and a review coming on Tuesday - a nightmare situation I cannot wait to put behind me, even if I do get written up.
Back to my room, with Fantastic Four on the TV and my computer hopefully done burning me some tunes.
Better grab a peach on the way.
keep - reminder
Aug 10, 2007
Had a friend I thought was beautiful - I mean, she really looked good - long wavy brown hair, cute eyes, great frame - when I first met her I wanted to BE HER.
We'd go shopping after work and well, guys would talk to me and not her - which confused the heck outta me. Me - me at 370 pounds with not-so-nice clothes, hair not done up - and she with her fancy clothes and beautiful figure and hair - going to the same place and I'd get noticed while no one even met her eye.
Eventually even she commented on it - not being mean, but just asking me if I knew why guys talk to me so readily and yet don't her.
At first I thought it was because she was married, and I was not.
And then I thought it was because I was openly looking at people, where she was all business about the 'things' wherever we were, not the people.
Inside I thought it was because I am far more sexually experienced than she ever even thought of being, and maybe it 'showed through' on me somehow.
I compared us, she compared us, even her husband got in on the discussion, though we didn't really take him seriously. I mean, his view was that I am a friendly person and that she was not.
Then I found out some things about her that made me realize she's really not a very good person - cheats people, writes bad checks, and really goes through life trying to internally make herself better than those around her.
Started thinking that getting 'seen' or 'not seen' may have something to do with one's heart - that a bad heart, a not-so-good person just isn't open to being seen by other people, so is ignored moreso.
And then I started realizing why I like new jobs - new places - meeting new people and having new experiences ----- I 'come across well' because I'm a very open person (words from a couple of my employee reviews). I like to meet new people and I like helping people - and it shows. I have found that I can turn 'on' and 'off' ---- not something that the younger me knew at all. I can be open, and on -- like one writer said "Sparkle" --- ready for the world, or I can be 'off', in private mode concentrating on whatever issue I'm facing right then.
Co-workers, group after group of them, tell me this --- usually by saying something like "I'll wait for you to get back" ----- it makes me realize I'm zoning in on my work and that they need attention, not just a quick number or funding status emailed to them!
Usually I'm so pleased that the person likes me enough to notice when I'm off in another world that my 'on' comes 'on' without me even thinking about it.
I truly think it is about self-confidence and internal happy feelings. Lila
