Preop craziness....long story....

Jun 29, 2011

Soooo...today I had my preop tests and boy was it an experience. 1st I show up at the hospital with a book to read because I figure that hospital=take forever. So, I wasn't sitting there 10 minutes before they called me back to register and pay my hospital co-pay.

After I did that, I sat BACK down for another 5 minutes and another lady came to take me back to go over my medical history. While we are going over this stuff another lady comes in and asks if she can steal me to do my EKG...into the EKG room I go...then back to the lady to finish going over medical history. So, the medical history lady seems quite confused as to what I am actually having done and I hand her a copy of my Dr''s orders (which she should already have a copy of-luckily my Dr figured she wouldn't have it and I took the precaution of taking it with me). So, she gets all excited and we go over what all I am having done and what meds I'm on.

As SOON as we get finished with that ANOTHER lady comes in and asks if I am ready to go back...uh..sure. So she asks me to provide a urine sample..I do that then they point me over to the blood sucker. I tell the blood sucker that she will have to use a butterfly need in the back of my hand as I have very small rolling veins and they are deep and 99.9% of the time no one can hit them. So, rather than being poked 6-7 times, I tell everyone the same thing. The blood sucker asks me if she can take a look and I am thinking great...this will suck..I give her permission and tell her good luck and she finds a vein she finds interesting....and gets the butterfly needle out...hmmm...never had anyone use the butterfly in the crook of my arm.....she said I think I can hit this one and I'm like...ok go for it...she actually hit it the VERY first time....holy freaking COW! That is so very rare...I was very excited and because it was a butterfly it didn't hurt as bad either! Double WIN!

THEN...ANOTHER lady comes in and says that I have to go BACK to admissions to sign more paperwork because I have to do an ultrasound, Xray, and upper GI and evidently that requires more paperwork. Soooo...I sign the ppwk (they had it ready for me) and they tell me to have a seat again....I try AGAIN to read some of my book and about 5 minutes later ANOTHER lady comes to get me to take me to the X-Ray/Ultrasound/Upper GI place....

I then wait in this waiting room for (wait for it.....) 5 mintues....and (wait for it...) ANOTHER lady comes to get me to take me back for the ultrasound. We talk about school and such while I am tossing and turning for her to get every conceivable angle....and pressing on my sternum which hurts like hell.....anywho...back to the waiting room I go....

After about 15 whole minutes this time I go back to change into a gown and some nipple jewelry....well....not really sure what the heck you call those things they tell you to put on your nipples to take a durned xray...I mean, seriously?? What the heck are they for?? I know that my boobs sag but do you REALLY need to have something pointing the way? WTH? ANYway...they take the X-Rays and I am then sent with two other chicks who were waiting outside back to the room to have the REAL fun....

OK...so I go into this room in my lovely gown, capris and my lovely nipple jewelry on and it has a GINORMOUS machine that takes up the whole room there...so while I am inspecting this machine (can't help my curiosity and a tidbit of trepidation) the nurses are talking about what is going to happen...they are slow and methodical in explaining these things to me...then they tell me that a Dr so and so is going to come and do the actual upper GI...right after they get that out of their mouth the door flies open and what looked like some kind of otherworldly being stands in the doorway.....it's dark in the room so , there is the hall lights shining behind him...he's tall with unruly dark hair, a very long blue thingy that protects him from radiation and some goggle thingys that take up half his face....holy crap, I'm thinking what the hell does he need those for?? I am sure that they must've been some kind of goggle/glasses thing but they were BIG....anyway, I digress....so as soon as he walks in the door and while I am sitting there with my mouth open...he starts barking words out of his mouth...I'm Dr so and so and we are going to take pictures of you drinking...he gets faster and faster as he talks and more difficult for me to follow what the hell he's saying....(I can't pay attention too long most of the time as I tend to get a glazed look and zone out, if you will).

So, here is how it goes....he continues to bark fast orders..you will put this cup in your left hand and stand in the machine, I will pour this water into the crystals and they will react and you will drink it like a shot then you will turn as far left as you can and drink the drink in your left hand then you will turn to the right....so, I slowly step into the machine thinking what the hell did he just say?! I step in and they hand me the drink...ok...leeeffft hand....then he says I am about to pour the water take this like a shot..ready? um...ok....GO!!!!!!!!!! I take the shot...turn left drink chalky crap (he barks) I drink it as fast as I can...turn right...sit straight....ok. Whew...then he says this bed is going to lay down, you will not fall when the bed goes down you will turn around twice, lay on your right and face me with your knee slightly up....o....k......so the bed goes down and I did not fall...yay....here he goes with the barking again...roll twice....ROLL TWICE....I said do you want me to bark too or jump through some hoops....he was not amused but the nurses were....turn left hold your breath...turn right....hold your breath...face me....more chalky crap...DRINK DRINK DRINK...(felt like I was at a durn keg party)....turn, TURN...hold your breath.....drink ANOTHER chalky drink....YEAH....3 of those durn things YUCK!

Finally!!!!! It's over....holy cow....Dr Alien walks quickly out of the room...no goodby or anything...well...maybe he did say goodbye but I was kind of laying there still a bit shell shocked when the nurse kindly told me to lay still because they were going to get a couple of still shots of my tummy....then they leave me on this durned table that is 6 feet (it seemed) off of the floor with no way to get down...I am sitting there swinging my legs back and forth when the nurse comes back in to tell me that I am finished and that I may go now....uh.....HOW? So, she finds a stool to help me exit the space table and I go to change in the bathroom...let me tell you....that nipple jewelry HURT when I took them off!! How in the heck do strippers do pasties??

Off to work I went thinking everything would be ok...the nurse mentioned that I should drink a lot of water so that I wouldn't get stopped up from the barium...no problem....get to work, have lunch, drink lots of water...uh oh.....there's a rumbly in my tumbly......4 trips to the potty later, I tell my coworker that there won't be anything left to be stopped up!! Guess I will have to see how tomorrow goes.....wonder if my operation day will be as quick moving and crazy....I was certainly thankful that they had everything moving along well and that no one lost me! So, it was a pretty good experience as they were all nice....well, Dr. Alien was kind of short but not mean or anything....I felt like I was performing in a circus for him though and that he was secretly enjoying my confusion....well...I am tired as hell now....hope everyone has a good night!!!

Take Care!!! )

0 Comments