Sitting here thinking

Jan 08, 2009

Well.. I am sitting here thinking.. which probably isnt a good thing for me to do. I will admit I am a little depressed and I dont' really know why. Well, I do although I don't want to admit it.. So here it is. I found out that my ex boyfriends new girlfriend had a baby girl today. I guess what upsets me about it is that I don't have any kids and it doesnt look like I am going to. I am not saying that I wish I was still with him, because I really dont. He used me and stole from me and I am so much better off without him in my life. But I keep thinking, why not me? Why can't I find a companion who wants me for me, not for what I can do for them? Is it so hard to find a mate? I want someone who will go to church with me (maybe) but mostly someone to spend a little time with. Im not asking for all the time, but even someone to share my day with. I guess some days more than others I have been getting home sick. I miss my niece and nephews so much.  Maybe I need to get a cat or something.. lol.. Seriously though, I want a man to share my life with. I am a good person. Or I try to be. I have gotten better (i hope) since I moved out here. But maybe not. Maybe I am not a good person and thats why I am still alone. But there are a lot of people who absolutely SUCK and they are still with someone. I know that I need patience and to work on myself and be happy with myself before I can truly commit to someone else. But I keep asking, what is wrong with me? I know I seem to be on a rant, and I apologize.  I am trying to get back on track with the weight loss.. I have been going to the gym. I started going back this week. I didnt go yesterday because of church and today (wasn't feeling good).. But I will go tomorrow and probably saturday. My goal is to go 4 days a week. The first night I walked for 15 min on the treadmill plus did leg crunch things (with weights) and some arm lifts (with weights). Then Tuesday I did 20 minutes on the treadmill and the leg and arm things again. I seriously need to lose about 60 pounds before May. My mother and my father are getting married so I have to go home for a visit (no, not to each other)... But I want people to see a difference in me (with the weight).. If I lose the 60 pounds it will put me around 200 (maybe a little less).. Considering I started out at 380 I think that would be good. But its such a struggle for me. Especially when I am a little depressed, I love to eat.. lol.. I guess Im human after all.. lol.. Anyway, I have a goal and I have to meet it. I can't have people making fun of me because I stopped losing weight. I still haven't figured out what I want to get down to. My "ideal" weight is 130 but who knows. Maybe I will stop at 150. I dont remember ever being under 220 so I guess time will tell.  Anyway, thanks for reading this and I hope I dont depress you too much.. lol.. I hope you all are okay (whoever reads this that is).. lol.. I stopped emailing a lot of people since I went off track because I am embarrassed. I hate being fat and I dont want to hear about it anymore.. I am sick of the fat jokes. I am tired of people around me making fun of other heavy people and not expecting me to get a little offended.. I know sometimes they aren't talking about me, but since I am heavy, I know what its like. Okay. so you can say that I am stuck on being fat.. lol.. My mind is only focused on one thing.. This sucks.. lol... Anyway, let me know what you think.. I know I shouldnt complain. I know of people that are a lot worse off than me. I actually have it good compared to some. I have a job, an apartment. I am surviving.. But is it enough? Anyway.. i hope to hear from anyone who wants to comment.. Again I apologize if I depressed anyone.. lol.. Talk to you later.. Lisa

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