lisam2003

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Today.......

       I begin again.  I'm not making any bold statements that I will triumph!  I'm saying I will try.  I began my journey on Dec. 17, 2003.  That was the day I was reborn physically.  A lot of changes took place ending with a weight loss from 280 pounds to 143 pounds.  On the path were many telling me I was too skinny.  At work every one went on a diet because they didn't want to be the office "fatty" ( that had always been my title).  In my family I was the fattest and so relatives decided to diet.  My goal was 130 pounds which probably was too light but that was my goal.

I think I look my best around 150.  

I loved it.  For the very first time in my life I could walk into pretty  much any store and find clothes that looked good on me. It was awesome for about two years.  Then slowly weight began to creep back.  Like before the surgery I would try to lose weight but it was a real battle. I feel hungry all the time. I know that I have a void in my life that I am trying to fill and that this is where my hunger comes from.  

Yesterday I had to go see my doctor for an insurance physical.  I weighed 236.4 pounds.  I was ashamed and disgusted.  All the feelings I felt before the surgery were back.  236....I have gone from a size 10 to a size 20....but those numbers stung. So I decided to come back to where it all began for me.  Obesity help was my starting point.  I poured over success story after success story while I jumped through hoops and waited for approval.  I hung out on the boards and read every post as though it were some great novel.  After surgery I posted each success and vowed that once I hit the "ONE"derfuls I would never let my scales go back.  

Well, that vow was broken.  

Today I woke up with a new determination and it started with exercise.  Physically making my heart beat and moving my joints.  I went outside and ran my weed eater up and down the steep drive and I was sweating just like I should have been.  I vowed to leave my diet dr pepper alone.  I love those things but I am convinced the carbonated soda has helped to expand my pouch and stoma.  I still love my coffee and I will till I'm dead so that stays.  It's the most flavorful way to start my day.  

I filled a 24 oz insulated cup with water and I am forcing myself to drink it because my body needs the water.

So no more drinking with meals....no more carbonated drinks...no more buffet eating.

I will focus on water, and protein, and healthy snacks.  I'll post here as I go along and I'll read the boards and blogs to remind myself of the possibilities.

I WILL TRY....EVERDAY....I WILL TRY!

Today I went to the doctor because of a rash.....I had to step on the scales and read 196....that's a 50 pound gain.  50 pounds.  I struggled to lose that.  I was never one of those who had the fat melt off.  Every pound seemed to just sit there.  But, I did succeed.  My goal was never a specific weight.  It was a size.  I wanted to be a size 10 and I MADE IT!  Oh My GOSH that was awesome.  I LOVED that size.  Today I am nowhere near that size.   A 16W is snug.  That's not where I want to be.  I have to start over and get where I need to be to feel good about me.  That's where I'm starting today.